On the fence...

I have quite a few friends sitting on the fence right now about having children and they want to know what it’s like. Not what the pregnancy is like (there are tons of books about that) but about what it’s like to go from childless to having your schedule and life ruled by someone who can’t even talk. So, from a place of honesty, I thought I’d share my experience in what it’s been like to have Charlotte. Of course having a baby is like getting a tattoo – I can describe to you what it feels like but you won’t truly know until you go through the process yourself. Like a tattoo you better be damn sure this is what you want because after it’s done it’s not going to magically make you happier if it isn’t what you wanted already.

The first thing in your life to change is the relationship you have with your spouse. For Chad and I this started with the pregnancy. For many men, it’s hard to relate to their wives during this time because they aren’t experiencing the same thing. Even though “we” were pregnant I would often feel alone in the process. Chad didn’t have heartburn, a growing waist line or a shrinking bladder. While he could feel the baby kick, it wasn’t kicking him in HIS lungs or ribs. One day he came home and I was on the couch bawling because I didn’t think I would ever be up to the task of being a good mom. Chad just couldn’t process my crazy thoughts or ideas but he could listen and that’s what he became – a good listener. I believe every husband should witness his wife giving birth because it will make him respect you in ways that no other experience can. This process should ideally bring you closer as a couple and make you realize what a wonderful team you can be. Once the baby is born then your husband becomes your helper but not entirely your equal in raising your child. Not yet anyway if you are breast feeding. At times, I’m not proud to admit, I resented Chad because I was up every two hours feeding Charlotte and he was not. Even if he woke up it wasn’t the same as having to physically feed Charlotte like I had to do. Fortunately our doula had a meeting with us pre-baby and asked us what our expectations were of one another for after the baby arrived. We decided that if Charlotte needed a diaper change then Chad could handle that task then bring her to me to feed her. If she couldn’t be soothed back to sleep, it’s Chad who would walk her around the room until she stopped crying. He also took care of me so I could take care of her by cooking dinner, bringing me water or renting me movies to watch during the day when I couldn’t leave the house. So yes, your relationship with your husband will change but in a lot of ways it will be better. You may fight about parenting styles but you will fight more conservatively and a lot less…because now someone else is in the room and you will cringe at the thought of fighting in front of her.

going through childbirth together will strengthen you as a couple

the ultimate reward - being parents

Your relationship with your friends will change as well. I found for me this started when I was pregnant although it really changed even more once Charlotte arrived. My friends that had children are the ones I became even closer too. They are the ones who have given me advice, a shoulder to lean on and free baby sitting when I needed it most. Let me just be clear, when your friends that don’t have children offer to baby-sit let me spare you the drama and tell you they won’t. They won’t because they have lives outside of kids and therefore have plans 90% of the time you would like them to baby-sit. Your friends with kids are far more likely to watch your child because they aren’t going out all the time anymore either. My suggestion is to trade off with these friends on babysitting that way you can go out and you won’t have to hire a sitter. Some of my friends without children I have become closer to as well. These are the wonderful souls who get me out of the house, who meet me for lunch and pool dates and who do not mind having a baby around. They forgive you when you are running late because your baby blew out its diaper when you were just leaving the house. These are the friends who remind you that there is still a life and a YOU outside of being a mom and since they don’t have kids you can talk about anything under the sun but kids. These are wonderful friends to keep close. While they may not be far behind you in having your own, they have freedom now and you can ride on their wings. Then there are the friends who you thought you were close with but cease to exist after your child is born (or maybe even before in some cases). Be ok with this. Everyone exists in your life for a different season and purpose and these friends just may not be the ones for you at the current stage. You probably intimidate them and they don’t know how to act around you anymore. Some people treat pregnancy like a disease that they might catch if they hang around you. That’s not for them so you aren’t for them anymore. Perhaps life will cycle you back around to each other once your kids are grown and you are both older and have free time again.

some of my best friends were there after charlotte was born

mom of two with a lot to teach me!

she's raised two wonderful kids and came to see my first...love her

Most important of all having a child will change YOU. Here is how it will change you – you now have to plan things in advance. You will have to leave the house after your baby is fed and changed and this might take two hours to do at the start. Having a baby will make you realize you can’t hang out all night even if it’s at a friends for dinner. Baby has to go to sleep at 8:30 and I’ve never successfully transferred a sleeping Charlotte from car seat to bassinet which means if we get home and it’s ten the whole routine has to start from the top – feed her, swaddle, put her down. Remember those days you could come home from dinner and a few glasses of wine and just drop into bed? Not anymore. You cannot be selfish anymore and when you try to be selfish you are the one who suffers now. You will also become accustomed to doing whatever is free and in close proximity to your house. When activities are free that means you can show up and leave whenever and not feel guilty should a meltdown occur when you are out and about. Baby calls the shots now and the sooner you can get over that and adapt to their schedule instead of having them adapt to yours the happier you will be.

can't hang out all night anymore but that's ok most of my friends don't either

For my friends on the fence about having kids I can only tell you that ultimately the experience of pregnancy, child birth and raising a child will make you someone who is more relate-able to your fellow women. I am someone who loves to connect with other people and I didn’t realize how much I would connect to a whole other world of people until I had a child. My mom friends have become my biggest support group right now and are the most understanding. If I cannot make it to a park date because Charlotte is napping, that friend won’t care or hold it against me because she might flake on me the next day. Mom’s are probably the biggest flakes there are and guess what, its ok! You waive the white flag and surrender saying, “well I guess I couldn’t do it all today” and no one will fault you for this. I now cannot imagine having not gone through life without having a child on purpose because I thought my life would be better. All the traveling, freedom and sleep in the world does not mean as much as the conversations I’ve had and the connections I have made. As someone who did not think they ever wanted a child I can say I am glad that I had one. While Charlotte has taught me a lot already it’s the other women around me who have had kids that I admire the most. Raising children is a selfless and some days thank-less job and I don’t know why I didn’t see before that women who make this sacrifice are usually some of the best friends you will ever have. This is not to say if you never have kids that you aren’t a good friend or person….it’s just that I was always one to shy away from mom as friends because I didn’t ever think we had enough in common. Now I have the best of both worlds when it comes to friends and relationships.

Having a baby will change your life but I’d say overall it makes the life that you thought you knew way better than one you could ever dream for yourself.

how could I not have that smile in my life

Embracing your post partum body

I would like to thank my friend Felicia for inspiring me to write this post. This is a reminder and an open ended letter to her, to myself and to all the other mom’s and mom’s to be out there. I want you to read this, to learn it, memorize it, tie it to a stick and beat yourself with it…

You, yes YOU are beautiful. In fact you are more than beautiful you are fucking fantastic. I know you may not see it and you may never see it but truth is you are.

Of course every woman should hear this but right now I’m speaking to all those out there with a post baby body I know you because I am you. Just when you started to accept that baby bump and your changing body then BAM that baby was born and here you are left with an empty shell of a body. No longer a container for a baby, your body is probably now a stranger to you. Depending on the type of labor and delivery you had you may not be able to work out for up to six weeks after the baby was born. I started at two because working out for me isn’t about vanity it’s about sanity. As much as I thought I would hate it, I grew to love my pregnant body and my curves. I loved wearing tight maternity tops to show off my growing baby. I had a place to rest my hands and my cereal bowl. People would stare at me with a mix of awe and wonderment and friends and strangers alike would touch my belly. When I worked out I know I was inspiring others to try their best because “hey, if the pregnant lady can do it, so can I!” My body was a temple housing a tiny person and giving it all the love and nourishment and nutrition it needed without me having to think. 

38 weeks

Then after 39 long weeks I had a wonderful natural drug free quick 8 hour labor and delivery with no tearing. My body had done its job and now I was ready to have it back to myself. However, the body I was left with post-partum wasn’t the same one I had going in to the journey.

three days post partum

I was not prepared for how different my body would be post baby. I know it has only been nine weeks and I must give it time but it’s hard. I feel as though, since I’m not carrying the baby on the inside anymore that I should look the same as I always had. There are no stretch marks but there is extra skin on my stomach which is not tight anymore. There are pants that refuse to fit over my thighs and buttons which will not close over my waist. Due to breast feeding my boobs are bigger so my tops don’t fit the same. I’m in the purgatory of clothing wearing land – not quite ready to fit into all my pre-baby clothing but too small to fit into maternity wear. My hair has started to fall out. Don’t even get me started on my bladder and how jumping and running are my new worst enemies.

Yet, like those that climb Everest I so admire, I refuse to give up. I drag my butt out of bed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for bootcamp outside at City Park. I’m fighting for my old body with every burpee, box jump, squat, crawl, sit up and push up. I’m fighting for something that I’m pretty certain will never look the same again no matter how hard I try. I am learning to accept that this is OK. I hear people tell me all the time how good I look and how fabulous my post-baby body is and I have a very hard time accepting their words. I look in the mirror and see something totally different than what they see. I feel my tighter pants and with them defeat and I know I’m not alone. So for myself, my friends and for everyone else out there I’m going to stop listening to myself and start listening to everyone else. And I hope you listen to me too when I say this,

You are beautiful. You are fantastic. You are amazing.

Your body just gave birth to a baby and that is an achievement. That, my friend, is what your body is made to do. It’s not made to have six pack abs or rippling biceps. Your body isn’t made to look good in a thong or have thighs of steel. Having your body look like a Victoria secret models is a little bit of genetics and a lot of work day in and day out. Your body’s ultimate purpose…how it was designed…is to give birth. Whether you had a c-section or vaginal delivery you have to thank your body for creating and sustaining life.

So be proud of the body you have. It won’t ever look the same and that’s something you and me and everyone else just has to get over. You may have stretch marks, hemorrhoids, a leaky bladder, bags under your eyes from lack of sleep, wider hips or bigger thighs now and that’s ok. It’s the new you. When you realize how many women hope, pray, beg and cry and pay thousands of dollars for the experience of carrying a baby then you will be grateful. There are women who would take your complaining over your post baby body any day just for the chance to have a child. So thank your body and love each and every little perfection. You may not look the same as you did before…I know I don’t, but I’m a mother now. So are you.

bikini body last year

bikini body this year

And to me that’s a new kind of beautiful. Embrace it.

Because everyone looking at you thinks you look damn fine.

Trust me. Really…you do.

My hippy dippy side - Sleeping, Diapering and Vaccines

Blame it on Colorado but I’ve kind of become a hippy. Perhaps I always was one and living in this beautiful state has allowed me to truly express myself. I am not a vegetarian, I don’t make my own clothes, I shave and I drink alcohol so I guess this exempts me from  being classified as a total “hippy” but I have realized when it comes to motherhood there are a few things that set me apart. This started with my desire to have a natural childbirth but has since extended into other areas of raising Charlotte as well. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with the way anyone else chooses to parent I just want to share my experiences with what has worked for us and information that may help other mothers out there when it comes to the basics: sleeping, diapering, vaccines.

Co-Sleeping: I started down this path from the day Charlotte was born. My hospital advocates that infants stay in the room with you and I could not have agreed more. When your child sleeps in the same room it helps them to regulate their breathing and you also learn their cues and cries. Charlotte would not go down in the bassinet the hospital provided so she slept in the bed with either Chad or me. When we came home we would put her to sleep in the snugabunny vibrating chair at night but whenever she woke up I would feed her and in the bed she stayed. You are waking every 1.5 hours or so to feed them so there is just no point in having them in another room. However, after 4 weeks of no sleep something had to give. One night she was crying after having been fed and changed and Chad put her in the bassinet, dragged her into her room and shut the door. My heart broke for her hearing her cry. Ten minutes later she was asleep and so was I. From that day on I started researching more about sleep schedules and was determined to stick to one. What is currently working for us now is feeding Charlotte every two hours, letting her play then letting her sleep. I make sure she gets three naps a day and sometimes those naps last ten minutes and sometimes 2 hours. I started to implement the schedule around 6 weeks but by that point I had learned Charlotte’s cries and could differentiate between hungry, tired or bored. When she was a newborn anytime she cried I would stick a boob in her mouth. I soon learned, however, I was doing her a disservice because she was “snacking” all day and not getting full meals. I read “The Nursing Mother’s Companion” and once I became better at breast feeding it made all the difference with Charlotte’s sleeping. I cannot thank my doula Casey enough for recommending that book to me and I highly recommend every mother picking up a copy.

Now that we are not co-sleeping both Charlotte and I sleep a lot better. At nine weeks she is sleeping from 8:30pm until about 4:30 or 5:30am. I get some time to myself at night with Chad and after her early morning wake up she usually goes back to sleep from the time she wakes until mid morning. Here is where you must listen to your instincts. For the first few weeks mine told me to feed her on demand and allow her to sleep in the bed. After wanting to jump off a bridge from being sleep deprived my instincts told me different. I know proponents of co-sleeping and putting them in their own room and I’ve tried both and I must say both served their purpose for the length of time we tried them.

Diapering: I knew I wanted to cloth diaper from the beginning but I didn’t know how to go about doing so. My reason for choosing to cloth diaper is not only environmental but economical. Diapers are expensive and I couldn’t fathom spending so much money weekly on something that will be filled with poop and thrown away. I would get more satisfaction from lighting my money on fire. Fortunately my friend Nikki helped us kick start our cloth diapering collection by gifting me a set that she had received as a hand me down. My mom had also bought me some on Ebay so I had a set of FuzziBunz and about ten snaps. My friend Jessica also bought me a Rumparooz for a gift and honestly if I were to buy a complete set these are the ones I would choose.

 I like how they have an extra liner on the thigh to prevent leakage and are a one size fits all from newborn on up. The Fuzzibunz came with Velcro in extra small and since the set was used the Velcro is a little worn out. I must take extra care to make sure it’s secure or we end up with a diaper falling off. The small, medium and large all have snaps which have been a lot easier to secure. I must admit I was intimidated by using cloth diapers at first. I used disposables for the first five weeks because Charlotte was so tiny and the newborn diapers fit her best. Plus I liked the pampers because they had an indicator line on the diaper that turned blue when the diaper was wet – very cool! I still use disposables when we will be out and about all day or when we travel but for the most part I use cloth. You do not have to use diaper cream with the cloth because they don’t get diaper rash and as a bonus since they are so big and bulky she can wear some of her bigger onsies because they take up room! I do laundry every 2-3 days and because it is just breast milk I do not have to rinse the diapers before throwing in the washer. I know some of you are thinking, “That’s so gross you throw poop in the washer!” Well let me tell you, babies have frequent blow outs and poop will end up on most of their clothing and sometimes yours. I use the sanitize setting on my washer to clean them and there is never any poop stains on the diapers after. Here is where I consider myself a bit of a hippy….or perhaps it’s just going back to a tried and true method. I want to limit the amount of plastic Charlotte is exposed too. If you think about it most everything around children is plastic – toys, bottles, diapers, mattress, high chairs, playgrounds, teething toys. If I can limit her exposure to plastics which have been proven toxic then I will….and it doesn’t hurt to save money while I’m at it.

Vaccinations: In yoga one of my motto's when it comes to poses is, “Does the risk outweigh the benefit?” For my own body and my students, some poses are just not worth the risk of injury they can cause. The same, I feel is true for vaccines. The side effects of some are not worth the supposed benefit they claim to cause. While I want Charlotte to be safe I also do not want her to be a pin cushion. If I wouldn’t get six shots a day for myself then why would I do that for her? Here’s where my hippy side kicked in and I began researching a delayed vaccine schedule. I chose Peak Pediatrics because they were recommend by my friend Kylie and also supported delaying vaccines which was important to me. If your child’s pediatrician does not support your choices then I suggest you find another so you won’t be butting heads your child's whole life. At birth your child is supposed to receive a Hep B and Vitamin K shot and eye goop. These are recommended by the state and so unless you decline treatment that is what the hospital will administer. I saw no reason for the Hep B or the eye goop (to prevent STD’s which I do not have) so I only had Charlotte get the Vitamin K shot which helps their blood clot because that was the only one that made sense to me.

At two months the CDC recommends: Hep B (second dose from when they were born), Rotavirus, DTaP, Hib, PCV and Polio. I decided to follow an alternative vaccine schedule because I felt like there has been overwhelming research done that suggests a severe reaction can be likely upon giving 5-6 vaccines at one time. The alternative schedule won’t overwhelm young immune systems but still provides protection.

So at our 2 month appointment the other day Charlotte received Hib and DTaP. The DTaP is for diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis and the Hib is for Haemophilus influenza Type B bacteria that were once the leading cause of childhood blood infections, pneumonia and meningitis. Both vaccines had relatively low side effects and Charlotte seemed a little lethargic the next day but did not develop a fever and wasn’t fussy.

Delaying vaccines means more trips to the pediatrician but that is ok with me because they weigh and measure her as well. If you are interested in knowing what the different vaccines are and the delayed schedule you can read more about it here. I will not be giving Charlotte the Hep B and Hep A vaccine because the only way they are transmitted is through bodily fluids – especially sex, fecal matter and sharing needles. I don’t think Charlotte will be doing any of those things anytime soon.

Before I had Charlotte I did so much research into labor and delivery. I became so consumed with her birth that I did not do much thinking about what would happen after she was here. Having an infant makes time spent researching a little more difficult but it is so important. The decisions you make for your baby are important ones because they cannot advocate for themselves. I guess this is where the whole parenting thing comes in to play. I am not saying any way is right or wrong, just that as parents you have to do your research and trust your instincts and see what works best for you. Baptism by fire at its best!

Speaking of instincts we are testing out a nanny for the next few Mondays while I return to teaching yoga and before I have to go back to my life in the sky as a flight attendant. Yesterday was the first time I had left her alone with a stranger and it killed me! We found our nanny on Care.com after interviewing a few people and getting stood up by a few no shows. I recommend the site as a helpful tool in connecting with care takers in your area but again ultimately you must do your homework. After calling this girls reference I felt comfortable enough to leave Charlotte with her for a few hours. When I came home Charlotte was crying but she wasn’t any worse for the wear. How do you know if you trust the right person with your child? I read that the right nanny should be an extension of you. No one could possibly love Charlotte as much as I do but I’m willing to take a chance and trust that maybe this girl can come close. Like most things I’m finding out, when it comes to parenting the answers aren’t always in books or online…they are in your heart. I trust my heart to lead me in the right direction when it comes to returning to work and entrusting the care of Charlotte with someone new. While this is not easy for me I can only take it day by day.

I try and resist the urge to not cry when I leave her. Am I doing the right thing with all of this? I have no idea. I don’t think anyone does. What a relief.

Baby Magee's first flying for free for my Birthday

Charlotte got her first taste of the flying for free magee lifestyle a few weekends ago when we went to Birmingham, Alabama for my birthday. I would have preferred an international location per my yearly birthday travel traditions but since my dad and brothers had not met the baby we decided to make the trip there. Should you be traveling with a six week old in the near future I have some advice for you – Don’t Do It!

Just don’t even think about it.

Ok you are ignoring me and are going to travel anyway I know. You are probably smarter than me for starters and wouldn’t dream of attempting to fly stand-by. However, I am a flight attendant and this is a “perk” of my job so stubborn me wanted to attempt the trip without buying confirmed plane tickets. Wisely my friend Jessica suggested we bring our stroller even though my mom had one in Birmingham. The stroller is only a pain in the ass when it comes to going through security. In fact, you just have to get over yourself and know that now you are THOSE people going through security. You know the ones holding up the line with tons of bags and cannot get through the line fast enough to the distain of those behind them. Chad and I use to breeze past those people. Literally I would cut in line ahead of them (bad habit from my job I know). I cannot have imagined doing it without Chad because it takes more hands than I own to pull off this feat. Not having traveled with an infant before I also realized that I had no clue where the elevators were located which are key for getting you to the lower levels with a stroller. TSA was surprisingly helpful however and we were able to make it on our way to the gate with time to spare.

Boarding the plane presented a new set of challenges. Charlotte had slept through most of the activity and it was my plan to feed her on the plane so her ears would pop. Chad and I weren’t sitting together of course so we had to ask people to switch which was a hassle because we were last on the plane. Not only that but the seats we switched to were at the front of the plane so we had to put all our bags in the bin above us which of course was full. I put Charlotte down in the seat to help Chad and she started to fuss to which the guy behind us says, “Oh great we haven’t even taken off yet and that baby is crying.”

Let me tell you when you fly, people are assholes on the plane to you when you have a baby. Another thing I had to get over. Oh sure, I was that person at one time, rolling my eyes and sighing loudly and making it a point to plug head phones in my ears. Karma has come back around though because now I am that undesirable person with the baby that everyone cringes when they see you heading down the aisle. Well get over yourself no one wants to sit next to you either.

Our trip to Birmingham was wonderful because we had so many hands to help hold and entertain Charlotte. No wonder people live close to their families after they have kids. My mom even babysat while Chad and I could go out for a nice dinner for my birthday. You take for granted having an uninterrupted dinner let me tell you – one where one of you doesn’t have to shove food in their mouth as fast as they can so they can calm the crying baby. We went to have beers at Avondale Brewery and then to the Veranda on the Highlands. I will say we ended up talking about Charlotte the majority of the time we were away from her…

Flying home from Birmingham was a whole different ball game. We couldn’t get on the flight out Sunday so my mom had to come pick us back up and take us home. Normally this wouldn’t be a huge cause for concern but when you pack everything up to head to the airport and go through the task of going through security etc with a baby only to have to leave again…well its pretty defeating. Since we had not planned on staying an extra day I had not brought a lot of extra outfits and Charlotte (and us) were running low. Make sure when traveling with a baby you not only pack plenty of diapers, wipes and clothing for the baby but for all the shirts they will ruin of yours as well.

After having an extra night in Birmingham we were ready to fly home the next day. I loved seeing my family for the extra time but our cat was locked in the house and someone was watching our dog so it was time to go. We said our goodbyes and went for round two at the airport only to watch another direct flight take off without us on it. Flying stand-by is bad enough, add a baby in to the mix and its extra stress. I looked up flights and saw we could hop on Southwest and so we went to the gate and got our boarding passes for the 5pm flight. What we didn’t realize was that this flight was not direct it actually had a stop over in New Orleans. From Birmingham to New Orleans the flight was wide open but once we landed in New Orleans the flight attendant made an announcement, “Magee party of two please bring your stuff to the front!”

Surely the gate agent in Birmingham wouldn’t have cleared us for the initial flight had she known we would be stuck in New Orleans. She saw we had a baby right? Right?!

The flight from New Orleans to Denver was oversold and now here we were dumped in another city and stranded for the night. I lost it when the gate agent told me they may not be able to bring my stroller up. I was bawling so hard I couldn’t contain myself from the stress of traveling with a baby and the feeling that we were never going to make it home. Needless to say, someone fetched my stroller. We had to get a hotel room for the night in New Orleans and proceed to buy plane tickets home because it was the only way we were going to get anywhere. Fortunately my best friend Casey lives in New Orleans so the next day prior to flying out was not a total loss.

Chad bought us tickets on Air Tran and we thought we were home free the next day. What we didn’t count on was a ground delay as we taxied out resulting in a 45 minute delay on the ground in New Orleans. When we landed in Atlanta we had to sprint from the D to C concourse in hopes that our plane, which we only had an hour connection for was still there. You haven’t lived until you have sprinted through the airport with a baby strapped to your chest following your husband who is carrying your luggage in both hands. Needless to say had Chad not been there I would not have even bothered because I couldn’t have made it. This is why it pays to be in shape after you have a baby should you choose to travel.

Upon arriving at the gate in Atlanta they told us that the flight was closed and they had given our seats away because we were not there. I think my look must have been one of utter defeat because the gate agent told the other guy working the flight to pull the volunteers off the plane for us. Here is where it paid to have a baby with us because I firmly believe they would not have put us on the flight had we not had a child. I must say Charlotte had done wonderful up until this point. She traveled better than we did all things considered. After a one hour flight and one hour delay and sprinting from gate to gate however, she desperately needed a diaper change. A diaper change that I could not accomplish because once we were in the air they promptly parked the cart by our row and moved slow as molasses serving drinks. Let me tell you, everything is ten times more annoying when you have a baby. When they start crying and you know what they need you want to give it to them instantly to make them happy…especially when you are in a pressurized tube full of onlookers. I have come to realize after our adventure that it was usually women who were the most helpful and looked at Charlotte (and us) with the most thoughtfulness. It was the men who were always first to make rude snippy comments such as, “Oh GREAT another baby” or roll their eyes at me when Charlotte would cry while I was waiting for the restroom. Men out there – get over yourselves. You were once a baby and I’m sure your mom had to leave the house with you from time to time so quit with the rude comments and looks when you see a woman with a crying baby. 99% of the time she’s doing the best she can.

Here was my biggest lesson from traveling with an infant – that children will do what they want and parents are just trying to do the best they can. If you think a baby is crying loudly believe me to those parents she is crying ten times louder. Traveling with children is a means to an end and something not many of us choose to do if we can help it. However there will come a day when you need to leave on vacation or to visit family or friends and these little extensions of you must come with. If you are a person who does not like small children around you then consider driving your own car or chartering your own mode of transportation.

I can hardly believe I myself have been on this earth 32 years. I really did not give much consideration to my birthday this year because I have been so focused on Charlotte. I guess part of being a parent is giving up being selfish. No longer is everything about me, it’s about her. I will say that these past two weekends of celebrations the greatest gifts have been being around friends and family and just having someone else to hold Charlotte to give me a break. I cherish my time with her but it is nice to see others hold and interact with her. I want her to be comfortable with others and outgoing and well adjusted and the time starts now. 

My next trip around the sun I have another traveling companion with me and I couldn’t be more excited for all our adventures together. While traveling with a child has its moments of frustration I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world nor have I ever found a better seat mate….

Don't Wish their lives away

Sunday I celebrated my first Mother’s Day. Last year on Mother’s Day I was getting up to teach a spin class for a friend and I remember Chad saying to me, “If you were a mom you would get special treats today, but you’re not!” It was his teasing way of trying to get me to soften to the idea of having kids. If anyone would have told me last year that the next Mother’s Day I would have had a baby I would have called you crazy. What a difference a year can make.

I have always celebrated my mom and grandmother’s and aunts on Mother’s Day, but I never fully understood the meaning until I became a mom myself. Being pregnant is a process and giving birth itself is hard work and painful we should all appreciate the woman who went through this to bring us earthside. We all have a mother or we wouldn’t be here and no matter what ones relationship is with their mother later in life, to know that someone gave you life is the greatest most unselfish gift of all.

Chad made sure he did everything possible to give me a wonderful first Mother’s Day. There was breakfast in bed, we lunched, walked around the Highland’s and just spent the day together as a family which is what I wanted most. I received sweet texts and facebook messages from my friends wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and this meant the world to me. For someone else to recognize your hard work and dedication in being a mother is refreshing. I spend most of my days like I’m sure most moms do beating myself up thinking I could be doing better. When I put Charlotte to bed at night part of me is sad knowing that is a day I can never get back. I curse myself for having negative thoughts when we have a bad day and nothing I do seems to make her happy. The loss of sleep will do crazy things to your mental health.

Being a mom is hard there is no doubt about that. However, I know this was my intended path for all that the universe has unfolded to me. My relationship with MY mom and sister is better for having Charlotte. I now know my own birth story from my moms point of view, something I never even cared to ask about before. My sister and I have someone in common now that is bigger than us and our egos. The other day she sent me a gift for Charlotte and included dry shampoo in there. Dry shampoo because she knows how hard it’s been for me just to get a daily hair washing in. That is love. My relationship with other women who are moms is better. I can now relate on a level that I never could before. The other day after bootcamp I was sitting in the park with Charlotte and two women stopped by to ask how old she was. One of the women was pregnant and two weeks from her due date. We ended up talking about midwives and primrose treatments and natural births. She was an athlete like me and in the end thanked me for sharing my positive birth experience. “All you hear is the negative,” she said. “And it doesn’t help. I’m just glad to know there are positive stories like yours out there.”

It’s true and I’m just as guilty as anyone – there is a lot of negative out there. Motherhood is not all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. There are days when Charlotte has puked in my bra while nursing and blown out her diaper in the car seat. There are days when Charlotte is crying so hard her face turns red at the store and I’m sweating I’m so flustered and I just want to drop my items and run out screaming…especially when I hear a teenage boy mutter as he walks by, “Shut that fucking baby up.” There are days when all I want to do is sleep in and I hear her crying at 5am and I just wish I could turn it off.

Then Charlotte will smile.

Because in-between the horrible are moments of wonderful. Like when Charlotte looks at me with those big blue eyes while she is nursing like I’m the best thing in the world. The days when Charlotte is content to sleep on my chest and snuggle. The times when I walk around the house with her and she has her tiny fist tucked under her chin and just stares at everything. The afternoons when she comes with me to lunch with a friend, bootcamp and then my hair appointment and never makes more than a whimper in protest.

I look at Charlotte and know she is the best part of me. She is the pure parts, the wonderful, the innocent, the love I have inside, the selfless. Charlotte is my greatest achievement in life and my legacy. She will be the piece of me that lives on and carries my story after I die. She is the hardest and best part of my day every day.

I know I am only 6 weeks in to being a mom, which is not a lot of time to have passed but I am already so humbled and in awe of all the moms out there. I do not even feel qualified to have joined the ranks of all the wonderful women around me and before me. Every day I am learning and trying to do better and hoping it is enough. I have finally come to realize that being a mom is just about unselfish love and in life love is the only thing that matters because at the end of the day it’s all we have.

I was out with Charlotte the other day in a yoga store and was bestowed some great advice by the woman working in the store. She told me the best advice which had been told to her which was not to wish your children’s life away; to enjoy every day no matter how hard. This advice has changed how I approach my days. When I look at Charlotte now, no matter how rough the day has been I do not wish for it to end.

I am making a conscious effort now not to wish her life away.

What you do today matters

When I was at the end of my pregnancy with Charlotte the most common question I received was, “Are you ready for the baby to be born?!” I guess towards the end of most women’s pregnancies they are miserable and ready to be done and have the baby out. I however, was different. I would always reply that I wasn’t ready for the baby to be born and was happy to have her where she was on the inside. I knew that once baby was born, life would become more complicated and I wouldn’t be able to be as free anymore and I don’t think there is anything that can prepare you for that change.

 Now that Charlotte is here, I love having her to hold in my arms every day. I find myself going against most book recommendations of letting her sleep in my bed because she sleeps better and I enjoy her cuddling with me. She prefers being held to being laid down so most of my day is spent holding her or having her in the baby sling because it truly is the only way I can accomplish anything. 

 

She is an instant conversation starter wherever we go as people go bananas over babies. There is innocence about them as well as a sense that they are hard to win over. People love holding a baby when it isn’t crying - it makes them feel like they are a good person and are doing something right. I don’t think there is a faster way to make someone feel like crap then having them hold a baby and it starts screaming.

While babies are sweet, innocent, loving and snuggle bugs they can also be a pain in the butt. There are ways Charlotte affects my day to day life that I had no idea she would until she was here. I am not talking about lack of sleep or the fact I can hardly feed myself because I’m feeding her all day, I am talking day to day simplicities I once took for granted. Since I have so many friends who are new moms or are about to become mom’s I thought I’d address the things that you can no longer do as easily now that you have a baby in tow. I’m skipping the obvious luxuries and giving you examples of things I miss on a daily basis:

Coffee runs. I once thought nothing about running in to 7 eleven for an iced coffee. After having Charlotte there is now a whole production with taking the car seat in and out of the car on any errand we go. I have to think, “is that iced coffee really worth it?” I don’t think it’s socially acceptable to leave a baby in the car while you run in somewhere although believe me I’ve thought about it. Then I remember how I’ve had concerned citizens surrounding my car when I leave my dog in there and think better about doing so. Places with drive thru’s are your new best friend.

Grocery shopping. Unfortunately not every place has a drive thru and you will be forced to leave your vehicle and go inside. If it is raining or snowing I avoid even trying to go to the store because it’s too much of a hassle. I have found it is preferable to park by where the grocery carts are returned so I can grab the car seat and put Charlotte in the cart easily and then wheel her in the store. These grocery store outings have to be carefully timed with a nap so I usually do my shopping on our way home from somewhere when she’s already asleep. Chad and I pushed our luck however a few weeks ago and attempted to go to Whole Foods after she had already been sleeping while we worked out at the gym for an hour. She woke up and had a meltdown in the store resulting in screaming and turning bright red so I took her out of the car seat to hold her while people stared at me with pity. Yes people will stare at you like you are the cause of your baby freaking out. I also have not mastered how to put Charlotte in the car and unload the groceries with the cart without having the cart roll away somewhere in-between. I went to the store the other day after Chad came home sans Charlotte and it was amazing how freeing it felt to run in and run out without the whole production.

Going out to eat. I have been fortunate enough to be able to meet my friends out for lunch dates with Charlotte. Chad and I have also been out to dinner several times with her and it was a breeze. What I did not realize though, about many of my favorite restaurants is they are not baby friendly. Some have high chairs for you to put the car seat in, others do not. Changing a diaper becomes an issue when you see the bathroom has no changing table so there you are trying your best to do it on the floor. I highly recommend a travel changing pad for these purposes. Having to travel with a car seat and stroller just presents a new set of logistical problems when it comes to maneuvering. I also have to be prepared now for Charlotte to want to eat when she wants to eat. I truly felt like a mom the other day when I was sitting on the patio furniture at Ikea breast feeding while Chad looked at shelving units.

Shopping for yourself. Prepare to become an online shopper because once the baby is born you will have a hard time shopping for yourself. Being pregnant semi prepares you for this because, well, you pretty much give up on shopping since you are in maternity wear. Now that Charlotte is here my body still isn’t back to where I want it to be so I haven’t bought any clothing. I started thinking about buying clothing the other day and became too overwhelmed with the thought of bringing Charlotte with me. My thought process went something like this:

“Will I bring the stroller in with me or leave it in the car? If I bring the stroller in how can I go in the fitting room? If I leave the stroller in the car then how can I carry the car seat and shop?”

The good news is I’m saving a lot of money which is fabulous because I don’t have money to spend right now. I know I could shop when Chad is at home but right now I’d rather use that time away to take a yoga class.

What I think I miss the most is being spontaneous. I cannot do the simple meaningless things that take up time in a day. I cannot run out for coffee or cupcakes, clothing, groceries or lunch on a whim. I must carefully consider Charlotte and her needs before I attend to my own throughout the day. Having Charlotte has made me much more choosey about how I spend my 24 hours. In teaching my yoga classes I have always encouraged my students to spend their time on their mat wisely because they are exchanging an hour of their life for it. Now I find myself living my own yoga advice. As a birthday present to myself I signed up for a bootcamp through my gym that is every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for an hour starting at 9:30am. While it is hard some days to get out of the house on time, this is an hour that I get to spend not only on my fitness and in the company of others I enjoy but Charlotte can come as well.

babies and box jumps

Instead of spending my days running around creating errands for myself to keep occupied, I am actually focused and centered on one task for the day. It is yet another trade off of being a new mom – I swapped a bunch of little things that I thought mattered for one big thing that actually does.

So I encourage my mom’s to be out there to enjoy the little things that make up your day- putting on make-up, drinking coffee, having lunch with a friend or taking yoga with your husband. Enjoy your trip to the post office, the bank, the dry cleaners or to the nail salon. Soon you will find just one of these things overwhelming enough to fit in an afternoon. In exchange find something even better that benefits your life, your mental health and your child. Whether this is a breast feeding support group you attend, baby and me yoga, a walk with your dog or gardening, find something you love and then commit to this at least three times a week on a daily basis. I think you will find, as I have, that once your incorporate your babies schedule into your own your day will be more structured but also more productive. You leave the ultimately meaningless behind and your focus shifts to what really matters most to you. Chose wisely.

Until then, enjoy running around with your baby bump…it gets a whole lot harder but also a lot more fun from there.

One month, one heck of a meltdown

This morning I was in tears. It’s the third time I’ve cried since Charlotte’s arrival. The first was when she was actually born, the second was her first real meltdown in that first week when she was crying and looked so helpless and the third was my first real meltdown today. The tears were a breakdown from a culmination of events that transpired the day before as well as a build up of lack of sleep in the past four weeks. I had taken Charlotte to have some newborn photographs done and everything that could go wrong did – she wouldn’t sleep, she pooped on set, she peed on Chad and she cried one hour and fifteen minutes of the two hours we were there. She had hardly slept all day long. Anyone that recommends, “sleep when your baby sleeps” has obviously no sense. How the hell am I supposed to sleep while driving, or while walking the dog? Because that, my friends, is about the only time she sleeps. So don’t tell me to sleep when my baby sleeps because on the rare chance she does let me put her down long enough while dozing I’m doing something that makes me feel human like shower or brush my teeth or eating. Breastfeeding isn’t what makes you lose weight it’s the fact you can’t eat anymore because you don’t have time or if you do eat you now have to eat one handed. Ever tried to eat quinoa with a fork over a baby’s head while she’s breastfeeding? It’s not pretty. When she did fall asleep yesterday it was after our evening walk and she was in the baby bjorn. I put her down in the bassinet after extracting her from the carrier while trying not to wake her and she promptly woke up one hour later.

This morning, at 5:30am after feeding her for yet the third time of the night, I laid her on my chest to try and coax her back to sleep and she puked in my hair. I’m talking puke that went down my neck and onto the pillow case and covered the blanket. I feel like I’m living in a fraternity house because it seems my whole bed is covered in vomit. After this moment I couldn’t help but cry. I was tired, my baby wouldn’t stop crying and best of all would not go to sleep. Chad finally put her in the bouncer in the den, shut the door to the bedroom and told me to sleep and not worry about Charlotte. So I did. Two hours worth of uninterrupted sleep and I felt like a new woman.

I did not get to shower today or put on makeup but I got to sleep for two hours, have brunch with a friend and work out for half an hour. That’s the tradeoff I made.

I know I am not alone in my desperation to sleep. Every parent out there experiences this lack of sleep and knows exactly how I feel. I guess what I’m really mourning when I distress about the lack of sleep, is to some extent, my old life. The life where I could stay up until 1am and sleep in until whenever. The life where I wasn’t awakened every fifteen minutes by some sound Charlotte makes when she does sleep that startles me whether it’s a half cry or a slight whimper. I am blessed with a child but I will never sleep the same way again. For the first three weeks it was manageable but when reality hit me today that this was my new normal, well all I could do was cry. One does not realize how important and precious their sleep is until it is gone. There is no luring it back. I cannot catch up on it and I cannot obtain more of it and now I have to learn to live without something I squandered for so many years. Who wouldn’t cry?!


if only I could sleep this soundly now


After posting on facebook about my lack of sleep I got so many wonderful messages and texts from other mom's and I felt comforted and validated. Sitting in bed, breastfeeding Charlotte at 2:30am while Chad and the cat and the dog all sleep soundly in bed around me can feel lonely. Yet, across the world there are other mom’s doing the exact same thing I’m doing which is reassuring. I know this will pass and sooner than later she will sleep but today the old me finally surrendered. I am weary, I am tired. I do not get to sleep, eat, workout, walk, shower or leave the house when I want anymore. The Natalie I’ve been holding on too for so many months and so many weeks has finally had to say good-bye. I am a mom now. I know it sounds weird but I didn’t realize this until this morning as I was covered in vomit with a baby crying in my ear, breast pads scattered throughout the bed and hair damp from awful night sweats. I am still me but at the same time not. I am sure every woman goes through this moment. For some it may be the moment they give birth, for others like me it may take a few weeks to sink in and that’s ok too.

This afternoon I walked to the Walgreen’s by my house with Charlotte in the baby bjorn and a burp cloth hanging out of my yoga pants pocket. The route I take goes right in front of the high school and it was at that time where kids are leaving for the day and many were gathered by their cars or on the soccer field. I was walking past all these high school kids with a baby on my chest and burp cloth in my pocket and dog leash in hand watching them watch me. To them I am sure I looked like the mom that I am….

I just don’t know why it took me so long to see what everyone else can so clearly. I guess I didn’t want to say good-bye to the old me. I hope she’s resting in peace wherever she is….

introducing New natalie