Tuesday, September 25, 2012

As Bob Dylan Sang, the times are a changing...

I don’t normally blog about my personal life. I like to stick to the theme of traveling, camping and all the adventures the Magee’s take. That is, after all what started this blog. But I feel this subject is important because ultimately it could affect the future of this flying Magee. While it’s not a 14er or a hike to Everest Base Camp in Nepal it is another grand adventure.

I’m pregnant.

13 weeks to be exact. 
I found out at about 4 weeks. I had felt a weird pull in my abdomen in yoga sculpt and there were other things going on in my body that didn’t feel normal. Then a friend came up to me, while this was weighing on my mind and told me she had a dream I was pregnant. That’s not something people just tell you they dream about every day. We were heading on a back woods adventure so I thought I would just take a test and clear my mind. So on a Monday morning, by myself alone in my bathroom I took a test. And as the lines started to come through I saw a bright pink positive sign.

“Oh fuck.” Was my first thought.

Don’t judge. Not every woman dreams of getting pregnant. Everyone talks about how hard it is to get pregnant and no one, besides unfortunate high school girls, ever talk about how easy it is. So yes, I didn’t think I could get pregnant THAT easily. I thought some effort would have to be made and I was safe being not exactly safe until I was ready to put in that effort. I went out to Walgreen’s and bought another package of tests and took two more in vain hoping in a small way they would have different results. Of course they didn’t, so I did the only thing I could think to do, text my friend Casey the pictures of the positive tests with the note:

“Do not tell a soul. What the fuck is this?!”

Being my friend of 15 years she called me immediately and gauged my feelings before reacting with hers. She told me the best thing to do would be to go to the doctor and have a follow up ultrasound and they could tell me how far along I was and if it was a real pregnancy not hormonal or tubal. I was flying out on a four day trip that afternoon so I couldn’t make an appointment until I got home. I packed my bags and headed out of Denver, taking another pregnancy test with me in my suitcase just to check the next day. I didn’t say a word to Chad.

Some people may scoff at the idea of not telling their husbands right away. Well some people need time to process information before they share it with others. Truthfully I didn’t know how to feel. All I could think of was how this was going to affect my life. My ego got in the way. I wouldn’t be able to go on my yoga retreat in Costa Rica, I wouldn’t be able to drink at upcoming events, how would I go back to flying and working afterwards with a baby?, I didn’t have enough money…etc. etc. So I needed those four days to myself to see how I really felt before I told anyone else.

When I went to the Doctor’s on that Thursday I was confident I’d walk right in, have the ultrasound, have a picture to show to my husband and that would be that. I was even thinking of cute ways I could wrap the picture up to give it to him. During the ultrasound however, I noticed the tech was taking longer than I thought it should have taken to find something on the screen. She kept moving the wand around and she wasn’t saying much. Finally she announced I was done but that she couldn’t find anything on the screen. My uterus appeared empty. They did another pregnancy test and confirmed I was pregnant so from there it was determining why nothing could be seen on the ultrasound. They drew blood and told me that they would call me with the results of the hCg levels in the blood. Then I would have to come back for more blood work. The first blood test would detect for the pregnancy hormones in the blood. If the second test revealed higher levels then I was definitely pregnant and had just come in too early, if it was less it would mean a hormonal pregnancy that would self abort and if it were the same it would mean the pregnancy was tubal which could be life threatening.

They say when you don’t know what you want between two things you should flip a coin because at that moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what it is you want. I felt the same way after the blood work. After the disappointment of not finding anything on the ultrasound and the anticipation of having to wait over the weekend to have my second blood work done, I knew the outcome I was hoping for.

The first trimester has been tough. There have been so many emotions and so many changes. It was hard to keep it a secret from friends because when we would be out and about I couldn’t drink. I know everyone says, “just drink a soda water with lime no one will know!” Well your friends must not know you very well because some of my friends knew instantly. When people hand you a shot or want to order you a drink and you decline or when you turn down your favorite beer or an offer for a Happy Hour….well people will start to question you. I had to start modifying my work out schedule because I would feel nauseated in the morning and could no longer stomach taking 7am classes. I had to start carrying snacks in my purse wherever I went because when the hunger pang strikes you have to eat or someone is going to be seriously harmed in my path. I became out of breath doing simple things like climbing stairs or hiking. And yes I have hiked three 14ers since I found out, sky dived AND rock climbed in boulder and goose creek (I’ll save that for another post). It sometimes takes all my energy to just get my workouts in then I’m done for the day. I have become irritable and cranky and I love my sleep and naps. I have never had any particular relationship with food and now I look forward to eating. I enjoy what I put in my mouth and I think about my choices because it’s not just me anymore.

I know I will have much more to blog about on this Magee adventure as things progress. Right now it still doesn’t feel real. We’ve painted the room that will be the nursery but that’s it. I haven’t bought a single baby item and I refuse to wear maternity clothing though I can feel my jeans and bras getting a little tight. I’m holding out as long as I can. It’s not that I’m in denial about being pregnant it’s that I just want to enjoy every day each day at a time. I’m not looking too far ahead in the future because then I will worry. I’m trying to remain as stress free as possible. We aren’t finding out the gender and I have a midwife group picked out and know I want a water birth but those are the only major steps I’ve taken….and they are probably the most important decisions. Everything else will come as it will. All I can say is that I feel like my life is following the seasons. Things are starting to change, life is starting to change. I have two hearts beating inside me and I’m going to be responsible for giving life to a human being. It’s a privilege. One I don’t know why was given to me. So many other women hope and pray and work for this and I feel a little bad because I didn’t have to do a thing. I don’t know why the universe gives us gifts we don’t ask for but I do know I am grateful for the journey.

And what a journey it’s going to be for this Magee…