Is anyone Winning at this being a parent thing?

Almost 4 weeks have passed since my two year old Charlotte broke her leg. By the time most people read this she will probably already have her cast off. The accident hasn’t been something I’ve wanted to talk about but I’m reminded of it daily. The hot pink cast goes all the way up to her thigh and gets remarks of sympathy and awe everywhere we go. It’s like the scarlet letter she wears telling everyone I’m a bad mom.

I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say I’m not a bad mom. As if I could feel any other way. I am though. She fell and I was less than a few feet away and to me it’s an incident that could have been avoided had I only been more present. Had I only been paying attention, had I only been more thoughtful, had I only not been in a rush maybe she wouldn’t have broken her tibia and fibula. Perhaps she’d be less whiney these days and inclined to sleep and nap in our bed and cry out because it’s uncomfortable to sleep in and walk in. Perhaps.

Diagnosis- two broken bones

Let me tell you something best friends, there’s not one day that goes by where I feel like I’m “winning” at this mom thing. As my friend and fellow confidant Tania pointed out, mom guilt is always there it’s just magnified more in some situations over others. What I will say is that Charlotte having a cast has now opened a world up for me for others to share their stories on their children breaking their bones. I’ve had more women than I can count come up and know the exact break she had because their child suffered the same accident. Sometimes the child was 6 months old, other times it’s their wrist they broke or their arm. Yet, the end result is always the same, as they look at me with a mix of pity and understanding that yes, kids get hurt and there’s not hardly a damn thing you can do about the fact.

This is obviously the reason in the whole state of Colorado why we could get the only orthopedic appointment available two days after her x-rays confirmed the break.

As one mom I met put it, “I wish they came with instruction manuals on when to take them in to the Doctor.” I too, spend my days constantly second guessing myself and my decisions. My parents rarely took us to see the doctor (my dad believed Ice packs and coca-cola were a cure all) so I spend my time teetering between being the parent who takes their kid in for every bump and bruise and the one who waits three weeks to get a cough checked out. Am I a horrible mother for taking my daughter to school thinking she’ll “get over” her hurt leg when it’s actually broken and I subconsciously knew that? Am I wrong for being annoyed I had to sacrifice my day to pick her up when school calls saying she’s not doing well? What does it say about me that I freak out for my car when projectile vomit occurs in the car seat while driving? I’m human, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time raising a child and there’s no rule book for how to react to these incidents. I walk the line between being selfish and caring too much or caring not enough (of course you can have fruit snacks for dinner just EAT!).

If anyone is winning at this mom gig please let me know. I can tell you I’m glad I’m flawed. I don’t have to own up to any set of standards and my mistakes give permission for other parents to confide theirs in me. There’s not one day I go to bed thinking, “Damn I’m an awesome mom.” Most nights I’m rolling my eyes at having to read a story for the 200^th time and fighting the “I’m hungry” battle when I know she’s stalling bedtime. I give in to the Netflix “kitty movie” she loves because I couldn’t get anything done if I didn’t and let’s just say the new part-time daycare we found for her is easier on the wallet than the eyes. I’ve forgotten the sunscreen and the snacks and I’m pretty sure half her cups aren’t BPA free.

And yet….
Children grow up anyways. They do. Despite all our fuck ups and poor decisions and lack of hospital visits or too many fruit snacks they do thrive and become adults. Some turn out to be fantastic adults through no credit to the parents and others turn out to be horrible human beings through no fault but bad genetic wiring. Through it all I’ve learned the only thing Charlotte really needs to survive is the only thing that we all need and seek and desire which is pure love. I love my daughter and I gather she feels the same about me (at least until she’s a teenager). I don’t have all the answers and I never will and I’m not receiving any Nobel Peace Prizes for mothering but I’m doing the best I can.

Love, my friends, it’s enough. It’s pretty much the only thing we have to give at the end of the day and as long as we give it freely and without question it’s what truly matters most.

In the meantime, I’ll try to be more present and hopefully no more hot pink casts. Of course people frown upon wrapping your kids in bubble wrap so we’ll see how it goes.

 

Keep Joy, Leave Sadness. My first Un-Belizeable International Yoga Teaching Retreat

Around October of 2014 my friend and fellow yoga instructor Erin asked me if I’d be interested in hosting a yoga retreat with her. She wanted to go someplace international and saw I had success with my Telluride Hiking + Yoga Retreat so she thought we’d work well together. To be honest, I hesitated. Not because I didn’t want to work with Erin or travel to another country to teach yoga. I had my doubts that I was a “good enough” teacher to pull students in to fill a retreat. We each had to put a large deposit down to reserve our spot and I was worried we’d lose our money. Initially we had lots of interest from our various friends but when it came down to putting it out there no one signed up. We were working with a company called Belize Yoga and were a little late to the party as most of their teachers look into promoting 18 months to a year out. Erin and I weren’t meeting bench marks and deadlines and at one point I wasn’t even going to be able to attend because it wouldn’t make sense financially.

But, we believed (or should I say BeLIZED).

We believed, we hoped and Brad and Jessie from Belize yoga bent and pardoned every rule they had so we could make it work. We worried, we texted each other a lot and ultimately we decided we had no control. If the retreat was meant to happen it would happen. I clearly remember Erin telling me, “well will we regret it more if we don’t take the chance than if we do?”

I’m thrilled to say after a week in paradise we have no regrets.

When I look back on my 8 days with Belize Yoga, with Erin and with the 11 yogis who attended with us all I can think is that I used up every moment. We met most of our group in Dallas where we connected to Belize City. I caught a stomach bug the day we departed so I was not in the greatest of moods that day. My daughter had also broken her tibia and fibula and had to get a leg cast put on the day before I left so needless to say I was a hot mess. Stepping off the plane in Belize we met Brad from Belize Yoga who would become our guide, our coordinator, our timekeeper, our listening ear and our friend by the end of the retreat. Black Rock Lodge, where we spent our time in the jungle picked us up that first day and we also got to know our drivers who were also our retreat leaders and expedition guides. They pointed out wildlife to us, guided us through caves in canoes and just in general made our experience that much better.

Retreats always start out as awkward. Those who come together tend to group up and those who come solo tend to either hang back or attempt to put themselves out there in hopes of being accepted. As one of the co-hosts I made it my job to get to know everyone and bring the group together. I’m an extrovert by nature, and as my husband says I don’t ever feel awkward. I just don’t play into the energy that tells other people to back off. I made it my mission to sit by someone different at every meal, to ask questions, to listen, to connect with more than just my yoga. We had several excursions from the Mayan Ruins to cave tours, zip line and hikes so I put my stomach issues aside and put a smile on my face and forged ahead. I knew not everyone would gel together instantly but my hope was that by the end of the retreat we’d all be sad to say good-bye to one another.

It’s impossible not to bond when you are in a foreign country trying new experiences with one another. There wasn’t a lot of down time so we spent a lot of time as a group eating lunches, learning about sacrifices in caves, jumping off rocks, tubing down rivers and watching toucans in the trees. We sailed to a private fisherman’s island, we had a beach bbq on a protected beach, we learned how to spear fish and stand up paddle board, we snorkeled and played amongst fish and turtles and rays and sharks. The yoga mat is where we’d begin and end each day and that was the time for us to stretch, connect and flow together. Yoga is a place where people feel vulnerable anyways so it’s a great truth serum. People shared more with each other than they probably ever have with their own families on this retreat. There was no judgment among our group – you could skip yoga or an excursion or show up to yoga with a cocktail and nobody batted an eye. We were all there for ourselves and yet bonded together as well. I never felt any tension among the group or the feeling that anyone didn’t like someone else. We came from all over the country yet we were all there as one.

The highlight of the retreat came to me in the unexpected moments, the ones that weren’t on the itinerary. The moments of fear before jumping off a cliff into the water, watching the sting rays in the water by the yoga dock before bed and the drum circle dance party. I’ll remember the conversations I had and the one-liners that made me laugh as well as the attempts to spear fish. The last night together I led us all in a chant, something I’ve never done before and it was so powerful and beautiful it made me cry from happiness. I’ve never been one to lead an Om or chant and to see these people open their hearts to us made me want to open my heart to them. I left Belize feeling happy, full and grateful.

I learned a lot about myself on the retreat as well. I learned I AM enough. I learned to be mostly happy by living in the now. I learned how to disconnect from social media and what dragged me down. I came to the retreat with thoughts and demons and bad memories in my head that disappeared. I learned to let go of stress and just be me. In Belize I wasn’t a wife or a mother. I was just Natalie the yoga instructor who made people laugh and cry because I connected with them. I stayed present and looked people in the eye and listened and didn’t hurry or rush. I learned to slow down…a lot. I learned to sit in silence, to watch the sun rise and set over the ocean without any place else to be. I learned to let go of bad habits and to enjoy the company of myself. I never in a million years thought I’d be able to do something like this and I sat in gratitude each day that not only was this my life but that I helped make this happen. I was enough.

I know I’ll be back to Belize with Belize Yoga although it will never be the same retreat. You can’t recreate an experience like what we had. I think about how if we hadn’t decided to run with the idea how I never would have met 8 of those people (three I already knew from classes at QiFlow). It makes me realize that some of the best moments of my life, haven’t even happened yet and I have so much more to live for. If it weren’t for yoga, for taking the teacher training and finding QiFlow I would have never have met Erin or had the courage to travel internationally to do what we did. Life is all about challenging yourself and I’m thankful for those who believed in me and knew I could pull this off even if the prospect was intimidating.

I’m walking away from my experience with Belize Yoga so thankful for all their help and guidance and ease at which we were able to host this retreat. I can only speak for myself but I can’t think of a single thing I didn’t get to do or a detail that was left out. Everything from the food, to the tours, the travel, the staff, the drink and the activities (hermit crab racing anyone?) was so well thought out that it couldn’t have gone more smoothly. I know I can’t take everyone home with me as I’d like to do, but I left feeling like I had made so many new friends who I’ll always treasure and that’s worth its weight in gold to me.

On our last day I had everyone go around and share what they were leaving behind and what they were taking with them in one word. Each person’s story was everyone’s story and I think we all were making it a point to leave behind fear, worry, stress, self-doubt and burdens. While we were each there for different reasons I believe the common denominator which we all took home with us was Joy. I can’t think of a better feeling to take home than Joy or Love. It was hard not to be tearful when we were saying good-bye but as our guide Rasta reminded us, “Keep Joy and Leave Sadness.”

So here’s to what’s ahead and to the people I’ve yet to meet out there. There’s so much life and yoga left to live and spread and I intend on making it my life’s work to connect others. I’ll definitely remind myself to keep the joy and leave the sadness.

Because if you’re mostly happy…you’re living in the now.

Happy Birthday Babylove

If you'd like to read all about the day Charlotte was born, or when I climbed my personal Everest click here _ I wanted to share my birth story to bring hope and inspire others that a natural un medicated midwife attended childbirth is possible and I was fortunate enough my body cooperated. So for my daughter on her second trip around the sun...here's a poem I wrote for her....

You came into the world on Easter morning

From that moment on I knew life would never be boring.

You had a pink little face and blonde little head

You wanted nothing more than to be changed and fed.

Now you are growing I wish time would stand still

It’s hard to describe the emotions I feel

When I look in your face I see a lot of me

You’ve showed me what patience and true love can be.

I’ve watched your master sitting up, crawling and walking

Each and every day you learn more words for talking.

Some days with you are amazing while others are tough

No one ever tells you all this mom stuff.

Your eyes light up when you see us and I love when you hug me

Who you’ll be in the future I cannot wait to see.

Now that you’re two you can do so much

From slides, to jumping and running you pack quite a punch.

I call you my baby because that’s what you’ll always be

Although I know you’ll get older and maybe someday tire of me.

You’re the best gift I’ve never asked for and I don’t deserve your love

I have to thank the universe and the stars up above

For sending me a daughter that’s so full of hope and joy and light

From the moment you were born it was love at first site.

So happy birthday daughter, my Charlotte, my babylove, my binksy boo

We love you so much – I’m so happy you’re two.

 

 

Evolution of Barbie hair

My sister has been begging me for years to do it. My husband would bring it up now and again and I’d always shoot the idea down. I like to think of myself as adventurous but not even the best of my friends could convince me. It finally took someone I see about once every 5 weeks to sway my opinion. She looked at me, begged me not to be mad, and told me what I had to do and after years of relenting I finally resisted.

I finally colored my platinum locks dirty blonde. 11 years of being a “hey-look-at-me” blonde now muted and understated.

before

after

 

I like change, in fact I welcome and even seek it out. The first time I went all over blonde I was in desperate need of a change. I had been highlighting my hair for a few years and had just gone through a devastating break up. I was living in Alabama, hated my job, had an apartment I could barely afford and the guy I was waiting for to graduate college just ended our 2 year relationship. My hair stylist at the time warned me that going all over blonde would be a lot of maintenance. She warned me that going so blonde would damage my hair and was a hobby and if I couldn’t afford that hobby not to bother. Coloring my hair felt like adopting a pet….I swore I would take care of it no matter how hard it would be and I wouldn’t fail on the job.

My hair dresser was right and my hair and I, we did have some hard times. I moved to Colorado for my flight attendant job and had a hard time finding a stylist that I liked and could afford on my $17 an hour job. I’d find girls that would do a great job and then quit their salon leaving no forwarding address. I had one touch up my roots then highlight with bleach causing it to be over-processed and fall out. I can look at pictures from 10 years ago and know exactly what state I was in by the length of my roots. When you live paycheck to paycheck and have no credit cards it’s hard to justify $200 on maintaining your hair. I struggled, I sacrificed, but I always found a way to keep my hair blonde as the sun. It’s changed and evolved as much as the hair dressers I had over the years. Sometimes it took on a more yellow hue, other people couldn’t seem to take it past orange. Color, it turns out, is a science and most hair dressers aren’t savvy enough to keep your locks in tact while using a 40 volume bleach. I’ve had my scalp burned so bad I had horrible 2^nd degree scabs on my head from a job gone badly. My sister has often compared my hair to Barbie doll hair.

when I first moved to Denver

I found Candace Post at Foundations Salon through a mutual friend, who ironically enough we are both no longer friends with. She made me a deal the night I met her at a party that if I’d come in every 4 weeks she’d save my hair. “Your hair is orange” she said bluntly, “And it’s fried. We need to fix that.” The deal was too good to turn down so I took her card and found myself sitting in her salon chair a few weeks later. She was able to not only save the integrity of my hair but take it from orange to beautiful shades of platinum where it sometimes was almost purple. People would stop me and ask me if I was Swedish and stare in amazement and ask if that was my real color. When I became pregnant with my daughter my hair grew thick and longer than it had ever been. For the first time in my life I finally had the color, the length and the look I wanted and there was no more sacrifice.

Unfortunately pregnancy can not only wreck your body but also your hair. After Charlotte was born my hair began falling out in clumps and my shiny long hair became dull and brittle. Candace let me get away with it for a while then sat me down one day for the cold hard truth- we had to go darker. She thought I’d be mad but to her surprise I said OK. Yes, after years and years of bleach and processing and toners and clumps falling out it was time to let go.

I was ready.

A week after I went darker I was at a bar with my husband and one of his friends who remarked that his daughter, “Once had dirty blonde hair just like you.” This was the turning point for me. Of course we don’t look at ourselves in the mirror all the time so how we see ourselves becomes our interpretation of how others see us. My friend Dawnelle remarked that she loved the change in hair color and said it was an evolution of Yogi Magee. So I began to wonder, did changing my hair color change who I was? Could it change who I was?

I have to admit that comparatively I find myself a bit invisible now. I don’t feel like I stand out like I did before. People weren’t turning their heads to stare at me (which is both a good and bad thing) after I had my hair done this time. It was as if I put an invisible cloak on and started to walk about my life to see how people really saw me. For so long I held my identity in the color of strands of hair falling from my head and now I had to almost start over and redefine who I was…or rather who I always was and am.

Dawnelle was right, this was an evolution of my-self. Without the platinum blonde who else was I? I know I am a teacher and a student; I’m a mother and a wife. I’m a friend, sister, daughter, flight attendant, yogi and outdoors woman. I’m someone who hates to cook, loves to write and will never have twiggy legs. I can’t say that I was all of these things before I ever decided to go platinum but I’ve opened door after door to find who I am along the way.

The truth is, I was all of these things and it only took the right situations, people, spaces and city to bring out this version of myself. What I look like on the outside, what we look like on the outside, really has no bearing of what’s on the inside. For years I’ve wanted others to reflect who I wanted to be. I wanted others to see me as I saw me. I didn’t want to be the sad girl who was broken up with and living with her parents working a dead end job. Maybe I needed to color my hair 11 years ago to kick start what would evolve to the version of myself I am now…without that boost of confidence outwardly who knows where I’d be.

I can tell you now, I won’t have darker hair forever. I love the sunshine and light on my head and I’m sure I’ll be drawn back to it eventually when the time is right. For now, I’m enjoying the change outwardly which truly does reflect all the changes I’m going through on the inside. Perhaps that’s all that our appearances really are in the end…a manifestation of what’s happening inside…even if we’re a few years resistant.

having a baby kick started the next chapter of my life....everything's the same but everything's different just like my hair color...

 

I promise, it's not that bad.

Friends, fellow happiness seekers, as your best friend I have a truth bomb to drop on you that I want you to let absorb into every aspect of your life. Ready for it?

It’s not that bad.

Let that sink in a minute OK? Take a deep breath and inhale these words in and let them become your mantra for life…

It’s not that bad.

I know, I know, we love to make big deals out of occurrences in our daily lives. As human beings we almost crave the drama. We thrive on comparing our days and our activities with one another. I recently flew with a flight attendant who had only been on the job two years and took delight in re-enacting her personality conflicts with fellow flight attendants and passengers. She should have been an actress the way she’d swing the coffee pot  around and stomp her feet and furrow her brow telling me how the cops had to be called to resolve this and that incident. None of the stories she told to me, were that bad in retrospect. No one lost their life, no weapons were pulled on anyone else, there was no fist fights in the galley. I could blame her age of 23 but the truth is I know many people like this, myself included who tend to make mountains out of ant hills.

It’s not that bad.

Women, I believe are especially guilty of putting ourselves in a sinking boat. There are some days when my nearly two year old is beyond naughty. She throws her food on the floor, she throws toys off the balcony and across the room, she hits and she lays down on the ground when it’s time to leave the park in a fit of tears. I am exhausted and fed up and I become frazzled. It’s easy to think my life is tough in those moments and it is tough compared to my carefree childless days as a 20-something. Then I remind myself of a family friend who has a special needs child. Her child requires 8 hours of physical therapy a day which costs about $1400 a day and requires 4 hours of driving. That’s just the tip of the iceberg this family has to deal with because their child suffered from terrible jaundice that left her brain impaired.

I remind myself that as hard as my days are I have a husband who helps out. Let me just say that if you have a spouse you are not a single parent so please don’t even begin to compare yourself to single parents. If you have someone who calls you on their way home from work to see if you need anything while you’ve been home all day with a vomiting child; if you have someone who cooks you dinner so you can have a break before going to work all night; if you don’t have to get a babysitter just to attend happy hour or a wedding or a bridal or baby shower then you my friend are not a single parent. I also think it’s insulting to say, “I don’t know how single parents do it because….” It’s like anything you do it because you have too. Why do I fly stand-ups three nights in a row with 4 hours of sleep each night and come home and take care of my child all day, then teach spin then head back out to work? I do it because that’s where I’m at and that’s what I have to do. Some people are single parents by choice and others weren’t given one but those of us who have the support of another spouse should be grateful because trust me…

It’s not that bad. Even on your hardest day, you don’t have it that bad.

Life, my friends, for the most part, for the majority of us is pretty good. If you are able to travel and enjoy happy hours, to ride your bike, to meet friends for lunch, to enjoy a yoga class and occasionally read a book and grocery shop I’d say your life is pretty fantastic. Most of the world is living with struggles, real struggles that don’t include what latte to have at Starbucks or how much should you spend on your child’s birthday. Most of our drama that we encounter on a daily basis is self-created. We can eliminate this drama by simply saying no to what doesn’t serve us. Say no to toxic relationships, to toxic food, to jobs that poison and confrontations no one will win. If you start to open your eyes you’ll continually see forks in the road at every opportunity given to you.

It’s not that bad.

We love to play the victim, to see who will take pity on us and join us in the hole we dig for ourselves. We wait for someone to pull us out. Some of us wait a lot. We wait for the right job, the right love, the right anything to come our way before we think we can begin our lives. Well friend, here’s another truth bomb – life is happening all around you. Happiness is something we create for ourselves in our own reality it doesn’t come from anything external. I’ve met people with so much less than I have who are happier than myself and I’ve met friends who would give anything to have what I have in hopes that it will change their lives. The truth is, we all struggle, we all feel pain, we all have demons and we’re all mostly lonely people with hidden sides and some very dark sides.

But there’s so much more out there waiting for you if you just get out of that hole and start enjoying the sunshine.

Because friends, it’s not that bad. I promise you, life’s not.

I got this tattoo right before Valentine's Day. It reminds me that in life I've faced many difficulties, both people and things and my own self drama that's pulled me backwards. Ultimately all of it has prepared me to launch towards something greater. Of course the pain of it hurt but the pain, like all pain didn't last forever and now I'm stronger for it.

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards so when life is dragging you back with difficulties it's really just preparing you to launch into something great."

QiTopia Retreat at Mt. Princeton

The 19th through the 22nd of February I had the opportunity to be a part of something I had wanted to be a part of for the past two years. My home base yoga studio - QiFlow hosted their third annual QiTopia at the Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in Buena Vista. QiTopia has featured different adventures and teachers each year but the basis for the retreat is to be an affordable yoga getaway that's within a two hour drive of Denver. The first year I was pregnant so I was unable to attend and the second year I couldn't make it happen so I was beyond thrilled to be ask to teach and lead a back country snow shoe hike this year.

Two of my greatest passions are teaching fitness and getting outside. When I hiked my first 14er here in Colorado all I could think was that learning to breathe in yoga class had prepared me more than I thought possible for that adventure. Prior to living in Colorado I was not a person who was into working out or interested in spending much time outdoors. Now my life has been changed so much from this state and I find a lot of peace and solitude in being outdoors. One of my greatest joys comes from being able to introduce others to exploration who normally wouldn't have the knowledge or gear to adventure on their own. When my boss Dawnelle asked if I was interested in leading two snowshoe hikes I jumped at the chance to be apart of this event.

I briefly toyed with the idea of hosting a snowshoe hiking and yoga retreat this winter so coming to QiTopia was a perfect fit. The hike was an add on to the retreat so we targeted those who had already signed up to join me for this additional adventure. I wasn't sure what the snow situation would be up there so we were taking a gamble, everyone involved, that this would actually be a go. I approached it, like I approach all of the risks I take in life that involve others - join me and let's see where it takes us. At the most you'll get to snowshoe and at the least you'll get a great hike in the backcountry in and meet new people. Dawnelle also put me on the schedule to teach a yoga for hikers and climbers class that would follow my first day snowshoe trek.

Upon arriving at Mt. Princeton on Thursday there wasn't a lot of snow on the ground but I was hopeful. My husband and I decided to drive past the resort and scout out the trailheads I wanted to use. The hikes had to be about 2 hours roundtrip so I picked the Narrow Gauge Railroad Trail and segment 14 of the Colorado Trail which were both about 2 miles down the road. Thursday's hike had more signed up so I chose the Colorado Trail segment to lead them on. We met at 6am with the goal being to hike at sunrise and catch it coming up over the mountains. The first part of the trail didn't have any snow which concerned me a little but once we crossed over a road and into the back country we found plenty of snow to hike in. There were many moments where snow covered the trail so much I had to guess based on the snow drifts which direction to go but we ended up topping out at a gorgeous overlook. There were quite a few switchbacks and significant elevation gain so I recommend this hike to anyone wanting to get their heart rate up whether summer or winter hiking. My assistant and friend Stephanie headed up the rear which was great because not everyone was quick enough to make it to the top with the first faster group.

 

 

Saturday's hike had snow from the very beginning and was a straight shot from one end to the other. The trail was site of an old railroad line that connected Nanthrope to St. Elmo. I have been back in the area for hiking the 14ers Antero and Mt. Princeton but never even knew these popular but off the road hikes existed so it was wonderful to see these 14ers from a different viewpoint. We had a smaller group Saturday and everyone pretty much stuck together allowing for a lot of chit chatting and getting to know you. What I enjoyed most was hiking with all these women from different backgrounds who enjoy the outdoors as much as I do now. It's always hard for me to find willing hiking partners and so I more than enjoyed my time in the backcountry over the weekend. While I only got to take two classes at the retreat myself, I felt more than satisfied with how my time was spent at Mt. Princeton.

Teaching yoga in the mountains, being there with my husband and daughter and sharing a cabin with some old and new friends was the highlight of my weekend. To be paid to do what you love is something I never thought would happen to me and I'm glad I took the chance to pursue my dreams. Joining in on QiTopia was wonderful because I had the backing of my studio and the established group of students to target so there wasn't as much pressure to "sell." After running my own retreat in Telluride I know just how hard the journey of marketing a retreat can be and the effort it takes to put into having your participants leave with unforgettable memories.

 

Now I have two more retreats to look forward to - one in Belize with Erin Wimert that has two spots left (April 11-18th) and my Telluride Yoga + Hiking Retreat August 12-16th which just went live to accept sign ups. Information for both of these retreats are on my website yogimagee.com under the retreat tab. I hope that with each new experience teaching away from the studio and in the "wild" I will learn, grow, meet more like-minded adventure seekers and open doors for future retreats and opportunities. I remember my first yoga retreat and how it changed my life and opened my eyes to celebrating yoga in all forms in different parts of the world. My wish is that same experience I can provide will inspire and enchant others....

The heated debates aka why do we think we know what's best for others

There’s been a lot of postings on social media and commentary on the news lately about vaccines and vaccinating your children. I see postings from my friends with the captions, “Idiots vaccinate your damn children!” and “I wouldn’t let my kids near anyone who chooses not to vaccinate.” It’s a heated debate and I truly believe trying to sway someone’s opinion on the subject is akin to trying to change someone’s religion. You can’t post articles from Huffington Post and Fox News online and expect anyone to read it and change their mind there on the spot. What I’m glad to see happening is conversations about what’s best for our children and studies that help those that may not have information understand so that they might make informed decisions. What I disagree with is the parent shaming going on here and the bullying I happening behind the mask of social media.

Let me share with you a story. When I first found out I was pregnant I went to the Planned Parenthood in Stapleton to have an ultrasound. I had just taken a positive pregnancy test and wasn’t sure what to do with that information (what’s next? How can I confirm this?!) so I made an appointment for an ultrasound. The Planned Parenthood in Stapleton is the only one in Denver that does ultrasounds but it also performs abortions. I was warned by the lady on the phone when I made the appointment but had never witnessed these protestors for myself. The building itself is surround by huge walls and bushes and the protestors park themselves outside of the walls with signs bearing images of aborted fetuses and have bloody baby dolls hanging from strings. I pulled into the parking lot, thankful to be away from these people when I hear a man with a bull horn yelling at me. I looked up and this man was on a ladder on the other side of the fence shouting at me how I was going to hell and how horrible of a person I was. Here I am, going inside to get an ultrasound to determine the validity of my pregnancy and there’s a man screaming at me things too horrible to mention. I was treated to the same treatment when I was leaving as well as protestors getting inches from my car as I was leaving. My point is, that I was going into this clinic for a reason that had nothing to do with abortions (which I fully support a woman’s right to choose) and yet I was being harassed and bullied for the assumption that because I was there I must have been doing something perceived as morally wrong.

So, it goes without saying it pains me to see bullying on social media (where it’s the worst to me, other parents don’t tend to talk about this stuff on the playground) when at the core of things we are all trying to do our best as parents. I don’t think anyone has ever been persuaded by another group on an opposing side of an issue by intimidation or aggravation and the greatest battles on our American soil will tell you that much. There's quite a bit of demeaning conversations going around that assume that because someone makes certain choices it's because they aren't educated to choose otherwise. I chose, for example, to not have an epidural because I believed it was the best decision for myself and my baby. Does this mean that I should shame other woman who've had elected drugs or C-sections? Why should a woman who chooses to have a home birth be treated any different than one who chooses a hospital? From the time of conception we are constantly striving as mothers and parents to pick and choose based on research, beliefs and personal experience.

I believe most of us strive to teach our children that bullying is wrong yet why is it we find ourselves doing this towards one another?

What I’m glad to see is dialogue between parents because I don’t think there’s enough of that. I don’t think there’s enough listening or sharing for the fear that we’ll be judged on our decisions as parents. Some of the greatest conversations for me, have come from my sharing with others on the decisions I have made with Charlotte that sometimes eat me up to my very core. I'm not looking for anyone else to align or agree with me so much as I want others to listen. I find it helpful to be reassured I'm not alone in my fears or dreams. As the saying goes, when we talk we only regurgitate what we've studied but when we listen we're open to learning something new.

 

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most times. As Charlotte inches further into toddlerhood I find myself sailing uncharted waters with her as the ocean tossing and clashing with my boat. I’ve had two distinct instances where I’ve yelled at her….like lost-my-temper-yelled-like-I’d-yell-at-my-dog situations which just may have ended with me handling her more roughly than I should have. I’ve swatted at her bottom and it makes me sick and teary eyed even now to think of it although I know she’ll never remember. Every day I have choices to make for her and they all will, in some way, shape and mold who she is and becomes. If I pray with her will she seek God and religion? If I don’t will she become an atheist? If I let her have too many fruit snacks will she become a diabetic? If I don’t will she develop obesity seeking comfort in the food I didn’t let her have? If I make her sleep in her own room will she become distant whereas if I let her sleep with me am I stunting her opportunity for independence? As you can see there are so many MANY challenges we face each day and questions ultimately we must answer to the best of our ability.

This blog isn’t about whether you should or should not vaccinate your children or any of the other hundreds of decisions you’ll make for your child. This blog is about supporting your fellow parents out there and putting an end to the bullying and shaming. No one, and I mean, no one out there is the perfect parent. No matter what your upbringing you’ll probably be in some sort of therapy at some point in your life for some issues you developed over time. Parenting is hard enough as it is without feeling ashamed or attacked for your beliefs, your choices or your lifestyle. If you’re really concerned for a child and their upbringing, talk to the parent of that child and get to know them. Listen to their story and maybe you’ll have a better understanding. Had anyone cared about my story that day I walked out of Planned Parenthood they’d see I wasn’t there to terminate the life inside of me. After seeing the ultrasound it wasn’t a hard decision but of course that was the last easy decision I ever had to make when it comes to Charlotte.

Change the conversation and change the story.