Journeys of a flight attendant who got married and added my husband to my flight benefits. After traveling the world together one open seat at a time for 3 years we had a baby girl named Charlotte. Now we have a whole new world of adventure to explore together......
One can’t deny that fall is in the air. Somewhere in the
beginning of September it begins to creep in whether that’s through pumpkin
spice latte’s at Starbuck’s or the cooler nights. Colorado’s Aspen trees change
from green to a brilliant yellowish gold seemingly overnight and people flock
from all over to see them. I went hiking this weekend and at, 12,000 feet was
greeted with flakes of snow as a reminder winter is on its way. Some of the
willow bushes we hiked through had already lost their leaves and the alpine
grass was beginning to turn brown. Nature is not hurried in its transition and
the leaves know when it’s time to fall from their branches. This is my favorite
time of year because the colors outdoors are so vibrant and the chill in the
air makes me turn inward. It’s a time for hot coffee, hot yoga and
introspection. Fall is also the perfect time to begin letting go of what no
longer serves us.
Nature does a great job of letting go. As humans we’re not
so great at this. Imagine if trees clung to their leaves like we cling to
people and things we think we need. If the old leaves, flowers or fruit never
fell off, new ones wouldn’t take their place and there’d be no room for the
growth. Eventually decay would set in and the tree would die. The beauty is in
the changing and the growth. People wouldn’t travel across Colorado to see a
grove of trees that remained the same.
For my personal growth I’m learning to let go of the people
in my life who no longer serve me. As a mom and wife I’m realizing my circle of
friends has to become smaller. I confess that I just don’t have time for
everything and everyone. Between my job as a yoga teacher and fitness
instructor, flying, promotions for Pressery juice and running my own expedition
business I just do not have the energy for what doesn’t add to my life. Lately
I have found myself constantly stressed with worry about what other people
think about me and it had me questioning who I am. I’ve thought a lot about the
mother and wife and friend I want to be and who can add to this growth. I am unapologetically
“ME” and as I journey through life I realize this often doesn’t sit well with
everyone. People have tried to change me, to mold me, to influence me, to ruin
me, to gossip about me and to hurt me over the years and it’s hurt my growth. Why
do we get so bent on changing others and wanting them to live up to our
standards?
Imagine if you went into your garden and started taping
apples into your spruce tree hoping it would become an apple tree. No matter
how much you yell at the tree, no matter how many apples you tape to its
branches, no matter what you put in the soil or cut off that spruce it will
still remain what it has been since it was a seed. That particular tree serves
its purpose in your yard however and you just have to appreciate what you have
for what it is. Your friends, family and loved ones are just in the same.
While we cannot change one another we can move on from the
past. We can cut the dead leaves off and continue forward with growth for the
future. If you came to my house you’d see I have a tendency to be a hoarder of
greeting cards and cannot help but keep every sentiment given to me. I tend to
treat people in the same way, and even if I know someone shouldn’t take up that
space in my life I have a hard time letting go. I tend to be so
non-confrontational that I’d rather let other people empty themselves from my
life rather than clear the clutter myself. However, having a daughter now has
taught me that I need to live by a different set of standards. Imagine if I
filled her room with all of my stuff so she didn’t even have a place of her
own. That’s how I feel about my free time and my heart….I cannot keep so much
in there that there’s no room for her or my husband or the friends that really
matter. By carving out space for the people I love there’s more room for them
and less for drama.
I read a great article in a decorating magazine about a
minimalist decorator. He lived in a 900 square foot house and didn’t have room
for anything unnecessary and he loved this way of living. He said that by
having such a small space he could display the items he found from his travels
that were the most special and important. These items on display became the
focal point in his tiny space. When people came to visit they could clearly see
what was important to him because there wasn’t a bunch of clutter to take away
from what was special.
Redecorating your life and the walls of your heart isn’t a
terrible thing. As the seasons change it’s a wonderful time to clear the
clutter from your personal life. Think about what and who matter to you and
start with this. Build your life around those that make you happy and forget
the rest. After all, you’re the one who has to live in the space…make sure what
you’re looking at is what’s most important.
One of the reasons I enjoy blogging is that I can look back
on my past thoughts and see just how far I’ve come. In 2010, when I first
started my journey hiking Colorado’s 14ers I wrote this blog on the hardest
peaks in the state. My blog then was full of doubt that I could ever accomplish
something as lofty as reaching the summit of one of these peaks because they
were too hard, too dangerous, too challenging for my abilities. There were six
summits I wrote off as never being able to touch because I wasn’t somehow
worthy enough. Yet, four years later on the 4th of September…I
proved myself wrong.
I had my first glimpse of Pyramid Peak a few years ago when
my husband Chad and I hiked to the top of Crested Butte Mountain. From the
12,000ft summit you could see Pyramid and Chad remarked how he’d always wanted to
hike that mountain. Chad went to school in Gunnison and spent many years skiing
Crested Butte and the unique shape of Pyramid always intrigued him. I told him
it just wasn’t possible to summit that mountain, that as a class 4 it was too
steep and the rock was too rotten making it unlikely we’d ever be on top. “Maybe
if we hired a guide,” I told him. As the years progressed however, my hiking
skills increased. My first class 3 mountain was Wetterhorn then I moved on to
summit Long’s then did a brief class 4 section on Mount Lindsey to reach the
summit. When your goal is to climb all the 14ers, eventually you start to run
out of class 1 and 2 peaks and so it’s inevitable you will have to face your
fears one day. I fretted over many of these harder peaks because photos and
trip reports made them sound scary yet once I found myself touching the rock
and moving towards my goal my worries decreased. Each summit I grew stronger,
braver and more confident in myself and my abilities. Pyramid Peak had been on
my horizon awhile and after years of talk I had to confront my fear head on.
Grandparents were lined up to come in town and my friend Randy, who had
summited the mountain years earlier was game to lead the way. We had to try…if
not now…when?
view from mt. crested butte
So I told myself I could bail out at any time. I told myself
that I didn’t have to make it to the top and I could turn around if I wanted.
We left Idaho Springs where we were staying at 2am and made the 3 hour drive to
Aspen to meet Randy at the trail at 5am. Being September I knew we were pushing
it with the weather as the week before a few of the peaks had gotten snow. I
prepared for cold and was greeted with surprisingly warm temperature given the
time of year. Pyramid is 8 miles roundtrip and the first mile was a great trail
on nice solid ground and rock that the CFI painstakingly put together. Once you
enter the amphitheater though it’s a totally different ball game. From here
there is a well defined trail on the right hand side but we ended up boulder
hopping most of the way until we reached the base of the mountain. It was here
where I got my first look at goliath. There are two huge cairns marking the entrance
to the north face of Pyramid and it felt as though I was entering an arena. I
felt very small in the shadow of the towering Pyramid but again I told myself
that all I had to do was try. I could bail out at any time I felt necessary so
why not give it a go?
Although Pyramid may be about 4 miles one way you gain about
4,500 feet in those four miles. It didn’t take us long to ascend the 1,000
vertical feet and reach the saddle of the Northeast Ridge but the trail was
steep and loose. From the saddle portions of the remaining climb were visible,
including the terrain near the summit. We took a brief moment to assess, let
two hikers pass us and we were on our way towards our goal since the weather
was holding and we all felt good.
From the ridge the trail is easy enough to follow for
awhile. The standard route actually takes one over the ridge proper and we
followed cairns over a few small rock ribs towards the leap of faith. The “Leap
of Faith” consists of a 3 to 4 foot jump over a gulley from one ledge to
another. I’d guess the fall would be about 30 feet although it’s such an
extreme slope that you probably wouldn’t stop for hundreds of additional feet.
This was an area that initially made me nervous reading about but didn’t give
me too much pause in person. I kept the mantra, “On the other side of fear lies
freedom” going in a loop in my head and it guided me through the leap and
across the cliff traverse where my heels felt air underneath. Whenever my world
is overwhelming I make it small by concentrating on each hand and foot
placement and not looking down or too far up. This mountain caused a lot of
mental pep talk to be going on in my head and I kept myself sandwiched between
my husband and friend for guidance. In my day to day life I tend to be stubborn
and often talk negative to myself…here was the complete opposite. I could only
think positive thoughts and listen to the guidance of others to ensure my
safety.
Our second major obstacle was the Green Wall. It’s a steep
gulley made up of greenish rock that has plenty of solid hand and foot holds
but can be a dangerous place with climbers above. We waited to make sure no one
was above us before ascending as any rock fall here would take you out and send
you down the mountain. We stayed left in the gulley as we made our way up and
then exited left once the rock started to turn redish.
Here is where the real
climbing and route finding began. While Randy had climbed Pyramid before, his
memory wasn’t fresh on the entire route and often we end up following one cairn
only to cliff out and turn around and follow another. I will say the “trail”
winds its way back and forth past the gulley and eventually leads right up some
very steep loose ledges towards the summit. Here is where the majority of our
class 4 climbing was- areas where we had to use good solid footing to get up
and over obstacles. When you see photos of this area it doesn’t look possible
that one could find the summit from all the rotten confusing rock. This area
was exposed and incredibly loose and we all stuck close together and took turns
assessing which way up was best. Often we took a harder class 4 move because
the rock was more solid than a class 3 area. Near 13,900 the slope eased and we
could see other climbers on the summit and we knew half of the worst of it was
over (we still had to come down of course).
“Congratulations today is your day, your mountain is waiting
you’re off and away.”
It’s hard to describe how I felt on the summit. To see the
views I’d only read about and to stand on top of this mountain where so many
before had passed felt incredible. I had slayed my goliath and reached my goal.
While I knew I wasn’t safe until I was below tree line, for all intents and
purposes I had made it to peak 35. On the opposite side of my fear there truly
was freedom. If I could stand on top of what is arguably one of the toughest
14ers in the state then why would I let anything smaller stand in my way? While
this mountain was tough, I had all the strength and courage inside me to make
the summit but it wasn’t until I believed in myself that this dream became a
reality. This was a peak that I knew I’d never be satisfied until I summited
and I’m so happy I had my husband and Randy to help me achieve my goal. They
never wavered, questioned my ability or let me turn around although in my head
I wanted too. My husband looked at me halfway into the climb and said, “get
your game face on” and that’s exactly what I did. Many times when I climb I am
the faster, more experienced and impatient one and I am eternally grateful that
I have someone who can stand on the other side and be that for me.
I could say Pyramid Peak was my Everest but that would only
be partially true. People say events that they overcome are their Everest
because Everest is the tallest mountain in the world and there’s nothing
greater. In life, I believe however, that there are many Everest’s. I reached
the summit of Pyramid Peak but that’s not the last challenging mountain I’ll
ever climb. Physically and mentally, Pyramid was demanding but that’s not the
last time I’ll ever be mentally and physically challenged in life. What is true
is that I know what’s behind me and what I have accomplished and now I know I
can achieve so much more.
I was scared of Pyramid Peak and rightfully so. That
mountain has everything a mountaineer could want in a challenging climb-
exposure, loose rock, difficult route finding, gulley’s, a leap of faith and
even mountain goats kicking rocks down. Yet, had I let this mountain define my
abilities then I would have never even attempted to climb its walls. If I had
continued to think the summit was out of my reach then it would always be out
of my reach because I’d have never had the courage to try.
I was reminded of my yoga practice in a lot of ways when I
hiked this peak. I thought about how when I first started yoga I couldn’t do
crow or headstand or any other hard pose for that matter. I’d watch others do
these poses in class yet they eluded me and mostly I wouldn’t even try.
However, with a little encouragement from some very patient teachers I did
begin to try to see what would happen. My reward for my dedication was
eventually being able to “stick” the harder postures and in turn teach others
how to do so. While the harder poses don’t make up my whole practice, they are
a reward for my continuous effort. I feel the mountains have rewarded me in the
same manner after years of slogging up and down easier climbs and working my
way towards the more challenging peaks. The view from Pyramid was unlike any
other mountain I’ve experienced and that was my reward for years of dedication
and hours upon hours of effort.
That’s the thing in life- if you want the best views you’ve
got to be willing to work hard, cross some lines, scare yourself and be willing
to stand on the edge….
Telluride, Colorado. Ever since I saw pictures of this town
in a wedding magazine 5 years ago I’ve been drawn to this town. It’s where I
wanted to get married but couldn’t due to logistics and cost. The first time I
ever stepped foot in the town in fact was about two years after I’d first been
drawn to the place. We had gone to Ouray for the annual ice climbing festival
and decided to take a side trip to Telluride to cross country ski and have
lunch. I remember being enchanted by the unpretentious houses, the endless
piles of snow and the cross country ski trail that ran along the river. My
friends had a dog with them which we were able to take up the free gondola into
mountain village and we walked around the base of the mountain while I sipped a
chai from the steaming bean. I wouldn’t be back to Telluride until a year ago
when again, we visited as a side trip from the Black Canyons of Gunnison
National Forest. Telluride was in the off season so a lot of shops were closed
and the gondola wasn’t running. It was almost a ghost town but I was still in
love with the place. Seeing the mountains at the end of town, blocking it in
and making it the box canyon it is just makes the town feel safe to me. I know
Black Bear pass runs down the mountain from Silverton but it’s a very difficult
one way only road and it feels as if Telluride is the end of the line there. The
town ends at Bridal Veil and Ingram Falls and there’s nowhere to go but up. A
little piece of my heart has always been here and somehow it feels like home.
first time in the T-ride
a few years later with miss charlotte
Seven months ago an idea came to me. The yoga studio I teach
at has run several retreats, a few of which I have been on but I’ve never had
the opportunity to teach at one. Somehow I had it in my head that because I’d
never been asked as a teacher on any of their retreats that I wasn’t good
enough. I watched as other teachers had their turn in the spotlights and I
waited hoping my turn would be next. I realized I placed a lot of stock in my
value as a teacher on not being asked to join in and I felt like perhaps my
turn would never come. So I decided I needed to put myself out there and see
what would happen. Why couldn’t I lead my own retreat?
Anyone that knows me
knows I have a passion for hiking. I’ve summited 34 of Colorado’s 58 14,000
foot peaks and I consider hiking one of my greatest strengths. I’ve taken
people up their first 14ers, I’ve organized camping trips for myself and large
groups of my friends. I wanted to combine my passion for teaching yoga with
hiking in a way that was affordable and accessible to a smaller group of
people. This retreat I had in mind would challenge people’s minds as well as
their bodies and it wouldn’t be for someone who wasn’t adventurous in heart. This
retreat would be about everyone staying in one spot with me, their guide and
mentor…someone who was accessible and who could be trusted. I didn’t want a
disconnect from the group from one another or from me I wanted us to all be in
this together. Seven months ago I dreamed a vision of what this retreat would
be and all roads led to Telluride. Telluride had to be the place…the home…the
beginning and the end.
Honestly I had no idea if my plan was crazy or not. To take
a friend on a hike was one thing, to teach a yoga class was another. To take
strangers on a journey on and off their mat was a new challenge entirely and
how could I be sure I was ready? I had a lot of interest at first but no
definite commitments. So I promoted and I networked, I bought ads on social
media and I talked about the retreat to anyone who would listen. I had one
person sign up…then two. I rented a space for 14 so I needed at least 3 just to
put a deposit down. There were moments where I thought perhaps I’d have to
cancel because I didn’t have enough out of pocket to cover the rest of the
house in case no one else signed up.
But, like the famous quote from Field of Dreams says, if you
build it they will come.
August 21st 2014 marked the launch of Yogi Magee
Expeditions Retreat in Telluride. Having 12 women arrive from all over Colorado
and cities outside our state was a huge moment for me. The day before everyone
arrived I sat at the Floradora, the same restaurant I’d visited on my first
trip to Telluride, and marveled at what I had created. Women were coming to my
retreat to explore, be inspired, practice yoga and challenge themselves
physically and mentally. I honestly could not have asked for a better group of
women. From my assistant Stephanie to the 12 personalities…it seemed everyone
got along like they had always known one another. There was rain and cold and
the weather forced us inside for yoga more than I would have liked and yet they
all kept smiling. Some had injuries and others suffered from the altitude on
the first hike but they all persevered. We had moments of meditation and quiet
and we had moments of laughter in the hot tub with glasses of wine after a long
day. None had been to Telluride and I saw them witness the magic of the small
former mining town just as I had many years ago. They were in awe of the
mountains and the Via Ferrata. They took pictures of the wildflowers and played
in the waterfalls. I saw these women meditate, journal, make connections with
new people, try new restaurants, be by themselves and explore and grow strong
in their practice and hiking. I know the hikes we did were not easy for some of
them but all of them made it to Blue Lake which was the apex of our journey. I
took a wrong turn on the trail and got us off track about 15 minutes but they
never lost their faith in me or the journey. In fact one of the girls turned to
me and said in that moment, “Even if we don’t make it to the lake…it’s OK.” And
at that moment I realized it really was because I was, and we were all, exactly
where we were supposed to be.
Most times after a trip is over I am sad to leave. I have
depression when a vacation comes to an end because I want to live in that
moment of happiness forever. This trip was different. It was so fulfilling in
so many ways that when it ended I wasn’t sad to say good-bye. We ended our trip
with yoga on top of Telluride Mountain after taking the gondola I had first
taken so many years ago and the moment was perfect. The clouds were starting to
part, the sun was shining and there wasn’t a breeze in the sky while we
practiced yoga. When we meditated at the end I could hear the buzz of the bees,
the chirping of birds and the quiet breathing of those 12 women around me. Our time
together had come to an end but it didn’t really feel like the end to me. When
we opened our eyes it felt like a new beginning in which anything from there on
out was possible. Just as the clouds and fog lifted from the mountains, so too
it lifted from each of us and there was nothing but blue skies to come. I know
in that moment I felt stronger, lighter and happier than I had in a long time.
There was no sadness in my heart…only happiness for the next chapter.
In hindsight the universe provided exactly what I had
needed. Had I been asked to teach at another retreat I don’t know if I would
have ever thought to put something like this together. I wouldn’t have had the
courage to go out on my own and design a retreat that was truly a labor of love
from my heart. To share my passion and teachings of yoga is a gift but to be
able to guide people on a trail in the great wide open is my dharma. I loved
being the guide and leader for the weekend and having people trust me so they
could enjoy the beauty of Colorado around them. Telluride is now a piece of
their story and hearts as much as it is in mine and that makes it all worth it
to me.
A few years ago I said I would never hike the same 14er
twice. I firmly believed that once you hiked a mountain once there was no point
in doing it again. Last year I hiked Bierstadt in the winter with my husband
and it was a totally different experience than hiking it in the summer alone.
The mountain that I had known had changed because I had changed. The terrain
was the same yet different with every step as I approached each switchback with
new eyes and a different stronger body. Some people might be content with doing
things only once and never again because in reality they don’t want to admit
that the only constant in life is change. I will be back to Telluride and it
will be different because I’ll be different. The hikes will be different
because the land and weather will change. We’ll climb new heights, practice new
asanas and meet new friends in one of the most amazing towns I’ve ever known.
I cannot wait to return to Telluride for a retreat in 2015.
*follow me on facebook or instagram at Yogi Magee!
A few weeks ago my husband and I celebrated our five year
anniversary. When I measure the time in years it doesn’t seem like that much
has passed. If I measured it in months, weeks or minutes it might seem a lot
longer. What I remember of our time being married however, isn’t the days
themselves it’s the way we’ve filled them. We’ve traveled across the world from
Thailand to ride elephants to snorkel with sting rays in Belize. We’ve rented,
we’ve bought and we’ve sold houses and acquired and thrown away belongings
in-between. We’ve had a cat die and adopted a new one, quit jobs and started
new ones. Our friends have come and gone and we’ve gained almost as much as
we’ve lost over the past years. We had a daughter named Charlotte and it
changed everything from how early we go to bed to how we spend our weekends.
Life is the same as it ever was and yet different. Everything and nothing has
changed in the same time.
I was asked to write a blog on what makes a marriage last
five years. I thought on this for a few weeks. I’m not perfect so my marriage
will never be and I believe marriage is a choice you make every day. When I
thought about my marriage and my husband and about the reoccurring theme that’s
popped up in my life lately the only word that comes to mind is patience.
Patience, to me, is the key to a sustainable relationship.
The same weekend of our anniversary a few friends and I went
back to hike Mt. of the Holy Cross. It was a 14er I had previously written
about not being able to summit due to weather and time constraints. One of my
hiking companions was attempting this as her first 14er and it was not an easy
beginner climb for her. None of the 14ers are easy mountains to hike but this
one was 12 miles roundtrip in length, had swarms of mosquitos everywhere and
5,600 feet of elevation gain. Her struggle became my struggle as I guided her
to the top and back down. It’s hard to watch someone have difficulty with
something that has become so second nature to yourself. I feel the same way
when I have beginners in my yoga class. I want them to enjoy the asanas and the
message and the feeling they get from pushing themselves beyond what they think
is their limit. Yet beginners require patience from me and from themselves in
order to continue to learn and grow. It’s a relationship of trust and
understanding. There’s a lot of give and take to teaching anyone a skill that
you are still mastering yourself. I can tell you that the three of us hiking
learned a lot about patience that day and how it extends beyond yourself and to
those around you. There were times when I am sure we all wanted to give up on
ourselves and each other but we never considered that an option. You can’t just
quit hiking a mountain because it gets hard especially once you’re so far into
it that turning around isn’t really any better an option than marching ahead.
To cultivate patience in a situation that challenges every fiber of your being
is to allow the ego to step aside and lead with your heart.
My friends and I ultimately summited Mt. of the Holy Cross
that Saturday much in the same way my husband and I reached our five year
milestone. There was struggle, there was excitement, and there was hard word
and ultimately reward for continuing on the path. Patience for each other as we
walked the same path together yet experiencing different emotions along the
way. When I reach the summit of a mountain it’s reaching a goal and a milestone
for me and I’m temporarily happy yet I know the journey isn’t over yet. There
are still many more mountains to climb and much more to learn along the way.
Patience is what allows me to continue to bring new people to the wilderness
and open their eyes to the beauty of the mountains and it’s what’s reinforced
the journey that is marriage.
Ultimately Chad is my ideal partner on and off the mountain.
There are times when he’s ahead and he has to have the patience to wait for me
to catch up and there are times when I’m in the lead. There have been obstacles
in the path and both of us have gotten the other lost thinking the direction we
were headed was best. Sometimes on our journey we’ve taken breaks when the
struggle proves to be too much; other times we move so quickly we barely take
in the outside world. Unfortunately in marriage there is no map of where you
are supposed to go or any reports on how the terrain will be along the way.
It’s mostly, what we call in mountain speak – bush wacking which is a fancy
name for creating your own path when there is none. Patience is how we survive
when we think we are otherwise lost. Chad and I don’t need to see any people on
our path to know we’re heading the way that’s right for us because in the end
that is all that really matters. Like any companion we have our share of
arguments as well as times of love. We cheer each other on and we know when to
give tough love. Chad is the partner who keeps me safe while allowing me to
find my own way. There’s a freedom that comes with being patient with one
another. You surrender the ego and to the journey and really just hope for the
best that all this effort will eventually lead you to where you want to be.
Ultimately a good marriage is like a good hiking partner
(and if you are lucky like me they are one in the same). It’s a relationship
with someone you trust, someone you can spend large amounts of time alone with
and someone who pushes you to be the best version of yourself. Marriage is
sometimes letting the other person take the lead even if they aren’t the expert
and allowing them to struggle and grow alongside you. Just when you think the
journey is over you find out it’s really just beginning and there are many more
adventures and experiences you have yet to discover. Marriage isn’t for
everyone…after all some people enjoy walking the path alone. Yet I can say from
my experience its far better knowing someone is waiting ahead for me, than
wandering the forest alone.
Before I became a flight attendant the only thing I knew
about them was that they served drinks and peanuts. My access to seeing one in
person was limited to the three or four flights I’d ever taken in my life and
then the once or twice I’d see them during said flight. I thought the job was
easy, something that required little skill and a love of traveling. Three weeks
of training and over 9 years of flying thousands of flights has proved me
wrong. I guess my takeaway from my previous school of thought was you never
really know what a job entails until you’ve tried it on for size yourself. So
to all those flight attendants whose job I thought was solely to cater to me
when I needed a frosty beverage, I’m sorry.
While I’m apologizing here’s a list of other women whose
jobs I took for a cakewalk: stay-at-home moms, working moms, single moms and
married moms. At one point or another I’ve been all of these things and none of
them are easy roles. Perhaps the women who do them make it look easy but I can
assure you, behind the Instagram and facebook photos it’s not. I’m sorry for
ever thinking it was.
To the stay-at-home mom, I once wondered what the hell you
did all day. I never quite understood how anyone who had the privilege of
staying home with their kids (and to me it was a privilege not to have to punch
a time card) could possibly complain. I believed your days were filled with
trips to the zoo and swims at the pool. I thought it unfair you were able to
nurse whenever you wanted without the annoyance of finding a time and place to
pump because you never had to leave your baby at home. Your home cooked meals,
strawberry picking and story time at the library days were the envy of someone
who could barely find time to shower, get to work and make sure enough
milk/baby food was in stock for the daycare or nanny. Though I fly and teach
yoga and fitness I also have days where I have nothing scheduled for work and I
find myself planning my idyllic stay-at-home-mom day. “I’m going to get so much
done,” I think. Maybe I’ll even cook dinner.
Reality is I’m putting out small fires all day. When
Charlotte was an infant my days consisted of feeding and diaper changing and
maybe shaving my legs or putting on makeup. Now that she’s older it’s like
having a tornado in the house. I put laundry in the washer and she’s playing in
the toilet. I clean up breakfast mess and she’s fallen down and crushed a
handful of crackers into the carpet. I vacuum and she’s climbing up the stairs.
We go to play in her room and every book comes off the shelf. Time for a diaper
change (which is kind of like trying to stick a cat in a bathtub if you want to
know) and then naptime rolls around (FINALLY!). If she doesn’t nap at home I
have a cranky baby but if she does I’m on house arrest for 2-3 hours where I
take the time to get her lunch ready, maybe get myself ready and if I’m lucky
practice some yoga. Once the princess wakes up it’s back to waiting on her hand
and foot and before I know it the husband is at home wondering, “What did you
do all day?”
Staying at home with your child means you get nothing and
everything done all at once. It’s a blur of cleaning, feeding, soothing a
crying baby and in-between trying to teach them something educational so they aren’t
completely inept. It’s exhausting and I salute those of you who have more than
one child and that is your daily existence.
When you stay at home, working seems a little glamorous. You
are nobody’s mom for the hours you are at work and you don’t have snot stains
all over your clothing and yogurt in your hair. When I’d work with people that
had kids I use to think to myself, “this must be such a nice break for you to
get out of the house!” It is, to an extent. When I’m working I sometimes feel
like I’m on a mini vacation. I leave to teach yoga and I can linger after class
with my students and talk uninterrupted. When I’m flying I can eat lunch
whenever I want, eat what I want and don’t have to worry about bath time and
the only person I have to put to sleep is myself. Yet who always shows up at
your door while you’re working? Guilt.
I’ll admit the guilt was far worse when Charlotte was under
a year old. When I wasn’t with her I was tethered to my pump and I’d constantly
worry that I’d left her without enough food to survive. I mentally counted the
hours until I’d be home from flying, teaching or working out as if the less I
was gone the better mother I’d be. Paying a nanny to do my “job” seemed asinine
yet we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I’d have a sinking feeling each time
I left the house without Charlotte and I started to resent my job for taking me
away from her. Why did I have to work when other women didn’t? It never seemed
fair. From pumping in bathrooms, to staying up late to make lunches for school,
organizing backpacks and keeping a calendar just so you know who’s picking up
who…I truly admire all working moms out there. Dealing with a tiny boss then
going out into the world and dealing with an adult boss is no small feat.
My husband is on call once every 7 weeks and for that week
he can be called in to his job anytime day or night. Since I’m usually the one
flying nights, he’s gotten in the habit of taking care of Charlotte when she
wakes up in the morning. By the time I come home in the morning she’s been
changed, fed and is usually back down for a nap which makes my mornings pretty
easy. I try to sneak a nap in so I’ll be well rested for the following night of
flying. When Chad’s on call though I have to stay home from flying so that someone
is there when and if he gets called in the middle of the night. So there are
days when I play single mom and I’m with Charlotte from the time she wakes up
until sometimes the hour she goes to bed. I realize just how much my husband
does and how easy this is to take for granted until you are alone with your
child. If you’ve ever had your spouse leave for a day, week or longer you know
exactly what I mean. One weekend Chad flew back to Michigan because his
grandmother was ill and I didn’t even leave the house and ordered enough pizza
to last me through the weekend. When you are alone with your child there’s no
one to pass them off to when they are crying, no one to clean up dinner while
you start the bath, no one to watch them at the pool when you want to take a
dip in and no one to pick up a pack of diapers on the way home. You become
excellent at multi-tasking however and become acutely aware of just how much
free help is around if you ask. We don’t have family that lives in town so our
friends have become ever important in assisting us when necessary. I inherently
knew being a single mother wasn’t easy but I’ll admit there were moments in the
beginning when Chad and I would argue about Charlotte and how we thought she
should be taken care of…and the thought occurred to me, “this would be easier
alone.” Sometimes raising a baby seemed like riding a horse and there were two
people trying to sit in the saddle and steer with both thinking their direction
was right.
One of my greatest take-a-ways from becoming a parent is
that everything seems easier when you aren’t the one doing the job. There is
always that sense that someone else has it better than we do or that if we were
the ones in the saddle we’d be able to do it better. Our perceptions are skewed
because we only see what others want us to see which is often barely a glimpse
into their daily lives. Most days between three jobs, one child, keeping house
and a husband, I’m barely keeping my head above water. Anytime we take on
another role in life I think this becomes the case.
So let’s just all admit that really we’re doing the best we
can and the fact is no one has it easy.
Flight attendants don’t just serve cokes….they’re there to
save your ass if and when you ever need it….and I’d like to think moms, all
types of moms, are the same way.
Almost a year has passed since I took the pregnancy test that
would change my life. A text message to my best friend of, “WTF is THIS?! Don’t
tell a soul!” with a picture of two positive tests was how I announced how I
felt. I kept it secret from my husband for a week before I said anything. I
wasn’t sure how to feel, and all I really felt was an impending sense of “my
life as I know it is over.”
39 weeks
Fast forward fifteen months and I’m comfortably living in my
new normal. Charlotte is walking, learning new words every day and amazes me
just as much as she frustrates. She’s at the age where we, as parents, are
finally starting to feel like we have some freedom back. The stage where we are
no longer breastfeeding but eating solids, walking around, not having blow out
diapers and taking naps on a regular schedule. We can leave the house a little
bit faster and don’t have to pack everything but the kitchen sink to do so. We
feel alright about leaving her with a babysitter and don’t worry every second
that we are gone. As Charlotte has grown so have my husband and I and we can’t
help but marvel at what we created.
at one year old
Which begs the question, “Is it time to ruin all our
newfound freedom?”
Having a second baby. It’s something that people have asked
us if we are “having” like it’s a question of what to eat for dinner. “Are you
having a second baby?” “Any thoughts on having more?”
What people are really be saying is, “You both look like you
are still having too much fun in your lives, isn’t it time you surrendered the
thought of ever being or doing anything cool again?”
So here’s the truth, yes I’ve thought about it. I think
about it all the time. Not so much the having another baby part but the actual
pregnancy. I am in the phase where many of my friends are pregnant for the
first time and I’m waiting and watching the excitement they are going through.
If you’ve read my other blogs you know I really never had a desire to be
pregnant. Yes I knew I wanted a baby at some point but it wasn’t what my heart
desired most in this world. Some women are born to be moms and they seek their
joy in being pregnant. Before having my baby, I was in the take it or leave it
mindset. If it happened to me, great and if not, I wouldn’t have been too upset
with my body. Now, however, after having gone through it, knowing the process
of pregnancy and how my body responds to being pregnant and labor I find myself
missing it. It’s the same feeling I get when I see people that have climbed
mountains I’ve already summited. I’m happy for them, I can relate because I’ve
been on that journey and part of me wishes I was there with them myself.
Here comes the part where I must remind myself not to romanticize
pregnancy. Putting your body through carrying a baby is a lot of stress. There
was the heartburn, round ligament pain and sciatica nerve pain shooting through
my right leg. My skin broke out, I had to pee all the time and of course there
was the frustration of not fitting into anything I owned. I couldn’t do
backbends in yoga or race mode in spin. I couldn’t twist, rock climb, water
ski, snow ski or run. In the beginning I was nauseated all the time and at the
end I couldn’t keep anything down because there was no room. Flying and staying
in hotel rooms was awful as I could never find comfort to sleep and standing
all day made my feet swell. I hated waddling and having people stare at me. Now
I’m the one who finds myself staring at pregnant women. I remember what that
was like and part of me misses it.
one day old, she was pretty snuggly then
I guess what I really miss was the secret of it all. How no
one knew in the beginning and even at the end no one could really feel the baby
kick or move but myself. I miss hearing her heartbeat at the midwife
appointments and the anticipation of what she’d be like. Now that Charlotte is
here she is so wonderful and amazing but I don’t have her with me 24 hours a
day like before. She’s becoming more independent and sometimes waves my hand or
help away. For the first 8 months all she wanted was pretty much me and to be
breastfed and now she’ll let strangers hold her and she literally laughs if I
show her my boobs (she’s over it). Charlotte is not me, she’s not my husband,
she’s her own person with her own opinions about hummus and climbing stairs and
sitting still.
Yet one is easy. One means biking to breweries on Saturday
afternoons and eating from food trucks. One means having a babysitter for
concerts at Red Rocks and hopping on planes around the country. One means I can
focus on my business, Yogi Magee Expeditions and plan retreats and hikes for
the future and make money. One means we can buy a two bedroom house and still
afford vacations and treating ourselves. One means I can teach yoga and 5am
bootcamp and afternoons at the pool. We have climbed our mountain and are
enjoying the view from the summit…do we really want to climb back down and up
all over again?
Maybe is all I can say. Who knows if we will even be able to
climb again even if we want to? In mountaineering hesitation leads to accidents
and bad decisions. So maybe we sit at the top and wait for a while and enjoy
the view. It’s truly a wonderful view. Yet I still feel a little jealous of the
climbers below on their quest….and you know what?
Ever since my first 14er climb in 2010 I have had a mild
obsession with hiking all of Colorado’s peaks over 14,000 feet (of which there
are 58). This personal goal and journey is one I can only begin to attempt when
the temperature rises and snow melts here in the high country. When I first
began to hike I took signs to the top to hold for my summit photo. I quickly
realized I did not need this addition as I remember every peak and every climb
based on who I’ve hiked with and the challenges I’ve faced. Hiking in the high
country is my happy place, somewhere I can go to decompress and unwind. There is
no greater feeling to me than packing my car full of gear, filling up the
camelbacks, shopping for the perfect trail food and driving off to the land of
no cell service and tent sleeping. As I whittled down the list of peaks I also
ran through my hiking partners. Some friends had finished all their 14ers and
weren’t interested in hiking them twice while others were content with one big
hike a year. My husband at one time would humor me and join but after the birth
of Charlotte he found the perfect excuse to stay home.
Mt. of the Holy Cross was my first selection to hike this
year due to its close proximity to Denver and relatively easy terrain and short
distance. I have only three 14ers left in the Sawatch range and the other two
are Harvard and Columbia which are a combined hiking trek that would make for a
very long day in even the best conditions. Running out of hiking partners, I
needed someone who would be willing to join me that wouldn’t shy away from a
challenge. Someone strong enough mentally to hike 11 miles yet easy enough to
talk to and share a 2 man tent with. I needed someone with a flexible schedule
who could leave on a weekday and who didn’t mind letting me take the lead
climbing. My friend Margaret was the perfect fit.
Margaret and I are both yoga and fitness instructors. We
actually met at the training center we both teach at currently. Yoga teachers
make the best hiking companions because they are fit, easy going, and take
challenges in stride. We also have a pretty rooted belief in the universe and
how it will not only provide for you but also give you signs for what is to be.
In theory these signs would be pretty straightforward and ones we would
acknowledge and follow. Our Mt. of the Holy Cross hike was full of signs from
the beginning…yet the stubbornness inside us both refused to listen.
It started with the gate to the road being locked. I pride
myself on checking weather and trail conditions and being up to speed down to
the cairns to spot on every mountain I climb yet there was nothing about
Tigiwon road being closed. We arrived at the gate at 9pm after a late start
(another sign) and decided we might as well get to hiking the road to the
trailhead. The road was 8 miles which would add an extra 16 to an already 11
mile round trip hike. Our intended plan had been to hike in from the trailhead
and camp overnight in order to attempt an early summit push. Obviously this was
not ideal but we set out on the road and walked in the dark for 3.5 hours. There’s
something both beautiful and frightening about hiking alone in the wilderness underneath
the stars. At 12:45am we finally called it and pitched our tent which we could
not get properly set up (another sign) and settled in for three hours of sleep.
Friday was beautiful. The weather was perfect and the trail conditions
started out fantastic. The grade was gradual and we enjoyed the sunrise and the
sounds of nature all around us. In the woods there’s no cell phones to distract
you, no traffic or too many people around. You can really enjoy someone’s
company and get to know them with each and every step. Sometimes there’s just
silence too and it’s not awkward it’s refreshing. Margaret is probably one of
the fastest people I’ve hiked with and she stayed close behind me for pretty
much the whole journey as our dogs trotted together in front of us. Somewhere
along 11,700 feet however the snow on the trail began to pick up and it got
harder to find our way. Mosquitos were horrible and any time we tried to stop
and check the compass or map we’d be eaten alive. I had brought bug spray but
the canister wouldn’t spray right (thanks universe!) leaving us at the mercy of
nature. We punched through snow drifts that were waist high and kicked steps
into others to avoid sliding down the mountain as we traversed. Somewhere in
the trees the trail became impossible to see and there were no foot prints to
follow anymore. No one had been back there yet it seemed and if they had they
left no trace. I lost my camera at one point when I set my pack down and it
rolled away. Signs, signs, everywhere signs and we couldn’t read them. Wouldn’t
read them. We wanted to keep going as we knew the summit was only a few miles
away but we had no choice but to make the call to turn around.
At 10am after about 12 miles of hiking we made the decision
to head back for the car. The mountain would always be there but if we kept
going and got lost there was no guarantee we would return safely if ever.
People call the holy cross wilderness the Bermuda triangle because hikers have
died back there getting lost. One man who disappeared during the summer was
only located from tent remains the following year. We didn’t want to be a
statistic so we finally listened to the universe and began the long journey
back to the car.
A year or two ago I don’t think my ego would have allowed
this type of decision. I have always reached the summit of each peak I climbed
but I won’t say there weren’t bad decisions made doing so. My ego has always
been bigger than my fear and it’s constantly urged me forward on and off the
mountain. Now that I have a child though things are different. I realize life
is not just about me and I can’t let my decisions ruin someone else’s life. Our
egos can often get the best of us and lead to decisions we ultimately regret.
It’s what gets people trapped on ledges on high peaks they can’t climb down, it’s
what causes a bulging disk in the neck from lifting too heavy, it’s what makes us
feel like superman for a moment but flat on our faces the next.
At 4pm after 26 miles of hiking and no summit, Margaret and
I made it back to the car. We didn’t have a summit under our belts but it didn’t
matter. This hike made me realize that this truly was about the journey and not
the destination. We didn’t blame each other, the weather, the mountain or the
snow. We chalked it up to experience and enjoyed the fact that at 10am on a Friday
morning we were hiking where no one else was instead of sitting behind an
office desk. We saw and experienced things most people never in their lifetime
see or get to do and for us that was enough for the day. We made plans and the
universe had others and that’s just how life can be sometime. You can be angry
or grateful for the lesson.
The best part is we get to go back again in July and
experience the mountain for a second time. I never hike mountains twice because
I have so many other peaks to obtain….but I guess the universe wants me to see
this one again.
