Reflections on 2012 - the year of the dragon

As I write this there are only two more full days left of 2012. It’s amazing how quickly this year came and breezed past me especially these past two months from Thanksgiving to Christmas. One weekend I’m picking out and decorating a tree and hanging lights and the next my family is here celebrating the holiday. Chad and I are fortunate to have family who travels to see us over Christmas. My sister and her husband live in San Diego, my in-laws live in Michigan and my brother, mom and dad live in Alabama. This year everyone but my dad came out and it was a full house at the Magee B&B. While it can get chaotic at times, especially when we had my two year old nephew running around and a total of four dogs (two of which we were pet sitting) I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think I have a little Clark Griswold in me from Christmas Vacation – I want all my family under one roof and the perfect Christmas.

My sister and her husband had to work on Christmas eve so they were able to come out before the holiday and spend some time skiing and playing in the mountains before coming to our house. While we didn’t have too much time over the weekend with them we managed to at least fit in a trip to the infamous Casa Bonita (for those of you who watch South Park anyways will recognize it):

My mom and brother braved stand-by traveling and after a shuttle to Atlanta, delayed flight to Austin and late arrival into Denver, they finally made it to our house. While it was a day later than intended it was amazing to have them here as well where we alternated our time between enjoying walks in the snow, playing Cards Against Humanity and cooking. My mom mage a great soup for us to eat on Christmas Eve and then her and my brother cooked the majority of the food on Christmas day.
Anyone who knows me knows I am not much of a cook so to have my family not only around but cooking for me was a wonderful treat.

As sad as I was to see everyone leave, I was happy that each and every one of our family members made it home safely and with no drama and hassle. So the house quiets down to just one extra dog and my husband and I as we prepare for the year ahead.

New Year’s always tends to be anticlimactic and despite my best intentions year after year it never turns out quite as I want it to be. Last year we ended up celebrating at our house after a failed attempt to fly standby to Florida with our friends Lyndee and Mark and I should have taken it as a sign that this would be a year that not everything would turn out as I thought it would or should be.

2012 was the year of the Dragon in the Chinese calendar. I talked a lot about the year of the Dragon and what is symbolized in my first few yoga classes of the year that I taught. You see this was supposed to be a year of epic successes and fatal failures. A year that moved by quickly. Much like the dragon’s body there were to be great arching highs and substantial lows; a year where the love and energy that you put in would be returned ten-fold and the negativity energy returned like poison. Looking back on this year I see it was all this and then some for me.

I started the year taking spin and kettlebell teacher training at my gym. I went from teaching one yoga class a day to two then due to other teachers leaving acquired a spin class and a kettlebell barre class. Of the two original yoga classes one was taken away, but then I was offered two more which brought me to teaching five classes a week at one gym and one a month at another. The energy I put in to teaching was returned to me times ten as promised by the year. The more classes I took and the stronger I became the more energy I was able to pass on and the more students grew to know me. I learned a strategy that has benefited me tremendously which was – if you can’t get your existing friends to come take your classes then make friends with the people who do. I went to Costa Rica on a yoga teacher training retreat and into the fire when we left I put in worry and self doubt and took home with me a courageous spirit and melted heart. Both have lasted longer than the suntan.

This was the summer of celebrating my 31^st birthday in Mexico, my friend Lisa’s wedding, traveling to Walloon Lake Michigan, and my sister and her husband's 30th birthday celebration in San Diego. I hiked seven fourteeners, one of which was in a mountain range I hadn’t visited yet – the Sangre De Cristos and the two others were my first adventure into class three hiking. I found some amazing hiking companions that I hadn’t yet had the pleasure of hiking with and wouldn’t have wanted to spend my weekends home any other way. Meeting new hiking friends also took me to different areas of the state to hike in that weren’t necessarily 14ers and allowed me to challenge myself physically and mentally.

puerta vallarta

wedding in DC

Handies Peak - just found out I was pregnant before this hike!

Long's Peak

wetterhorn peak

humboldt

Uncompaghre

dock yoga at Walloon

San Diego bday celebration

While my flight attendant job remained pretty much the same as it has the past 7 years, I flourished at my gym and had many opportunities presented to me that I took advantage of. I became a mentor to a group of yoga teacher trainees and supported them on their journey to become teachers. They taught me even more than I think I could have taught them and through their journey I was allowed to be humbled by my own struggles and uncertainty. For anyone to get up in front of a room of people and spill your heart while hoping to inspire it’s a daunting task. I learned to speak from my heart this year instead of what I read in books and in the past few months I’ve had more students cry and confide in me that I opened up something deep inside them than I ever have before.

And another important shift in my life helped opened up my eyes and my world as well and that was becoming pregnant. It’s no surprise to those close to me by now that this was not what I expected from this year. But it’s the year of the dragon – things happened with such a quickness I did not expect. After finding out in August I’ll admit there were moments where I thought my life as I knew it was going to be over. I had to cancel plans to go to Costa Rica for the next teacher’s retreat in 2013 and I had to give up a big part of my social life which was drinking. What I didn’t know was how many people I would inspire with my journey along the way. I have had so many women at the gym confide in me that they work harder because they see me working hard. Some of them are pregnant and some are not. Some are just finding out they are pregnant and haven’t even told their families but want to share with me. Some have already had their children and are struggling to get back in shape. So many stories and so many faces and names that I never would have learned without becoming pregnant myself. I am humbled and thankful. I have grown closer to some of my friends from taking a step on the same path they have chosen and I have grown apart from others because my life is moving down a different path. It’s definitely been a year of highs and lows.

trimester one

trimester two

So as I stand teetering on the edge of 2012 I reflect back on all the abundance it has brought to me. Some of it self created and some of which are blessings I didn’t even ask for but am happy to have received. I know I wouldn’t be where I am without the strong backing of not only my friends but my family and everyone who has believed in me. The year of the dragon has bestowed more successes than failures on me and I hope the same is true for many of my loved ones.

My resolution for last year was to “resolve to evolve.” It’s a broad resolution but to me it basically meant not staying stagnant and moving forward in a quest to constantly re-invent myself. I think I accomplished this task pretty well as I look back over 2012. This year I am resolving to surrender to the journey. My life as I know it is about to change and I know there will be many factors beyond my control. My hope is to do the best I can and handle everything the best way I know how. I may not be able to travel as much next year or hike as many peaks as I’d like but my family of two is about to become a family of three and I can’t be selfish anymore. I have enjoyed many years of being selfish and having my time as my own and now it’s time to surrender to the year of the snake. The Chinese believe the snake stays in a coil so as not to show it’s whole body and give away it’s secrets and that’s exactly how I believe 2013 will be – a year to be coiled inside myself, lying in wait for what’s to come.  

What you don't expect when expecting

This week marks the 24^th in my pregnancy. For those of you who don’t compute your time in weeks that’s 6 months. Officially this is the last week in my second trimester and there are approximately 113 more days to go. As I was telling my friend and future doula Casey today I am in a state of contentment. I have accepted the pregnancy although most days I don’t “feel” pregnant and at the same time I’m in no hurry to get it over with. I am relishing sleeping in, time with my friends and husband, working out and all the things in my life that come easy now before I have this baby on the outside. I am in a place where I am enjoying the journey.

This is my 23 not 24 week photo - those to come

This past weekend we had our 4^th annual ugly sweater Christmas party. This is always a hit and has grown in the past few years from just a few of our close friends to friends of friends to taking over nearly an entire bar. To kick off the day my friends and I ran an ugly sweater 5k at City Park. As Kate says, to find people you like to drink with is one circle, to find people to work out with is another, to find people who like to do both – well that’s an even smaller circle yet. Hence the small group of us running together:

After the run the day was spent in preparation for the party that night. We pre-partied at a friends house and I must say I have taken to drinking non-alcoholic beer at these occasions. I find what I miss is not necessarily the drinking and the hangover (definitely not the hangover) but just the togetherness that drinking tends to bring. Also I really enjoy holding something in my hand. I don’t know maybe that’s why I never took to running but I have to have my hands doing something or I’m lost.

awkward family photo

Magee's like to party all the time

getting ready to release the kraken

egg nog advertisement

I bet this was a good hangover

The party ended up being a great success and I was happy at the turn out. Next year I hope we can make it even bigger and better (and certainly I apologize for the weird creepy DJ's) There were people there that I didn’t even expect to come and then there were those I expected to see that didn’t attend. I feel like with this pregnancy my group of friends is shifting. 

hula hooping was a great success

If you didn't make the group photo you probably left too early

Which brings me to what prompted me to write this blog to begin with – What I didn’t expect when expecting.

Having a baby is kind of like getting married. It brings you closer to some people and alienates you from others. I did not expect to get the cold shoulder from some people that I know. I am sure people who decide to stop drinking feel the same way. The truth is when you can’t drink (or chose not too) some people will start to leave you out and quit inviting you places. This sadness me because honestly if anyone had an excuse to not be there Saturday let alone host the party – it was me. If anyone had an excuse it would be me. And yet I was there. And ask anyone who was there I was smiling the whole time. I was dancing, and hula hooping and making a fool out of myself with the best of them. I talked from person to person and still didn’t feel like I got to talk to everyone enough. In short I had one of the best nights ever. I wasn’t angry I had to drive drunk people around I was happy to do it. I was happy to see everyone having such a great time. Best of all I remember everything I said, I remembered to take tons of photos and I didn’t feel like ass to teach spin the next morning. Was I sad that I couldn’t be drunk? Maybe a little but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be with my friends.

So to everyone who has continued to invite me to Happy Hours and parties – I freaking love you. I am pregnant not dead. Anyone who knows me knows I’d rather die than sit on my couch doing nothing. I am blessed to have had such an easy pregnancy and the ability to be out and about. This is the time when I need my friends. When I need to treasure these uninterrupted moments with them. When I need to get out and have fun and dance and talk and just enjoy being alive. I can honestly say I’m disappointed in some people in my life right now. But life changes really show you who those people who matter the most are. The ones who stick by your side and buy you non-alcoholic beer and sparkling wine and fruity cocktails and bring you cupcakes and work out with you and make you feel like a human being not someone who doesn’t deserve company. Those that run a race with you and keep up with YOU the whole way just because. You know who you are and thank you. It’s you who has made this pregnancy enjoyable because I know that when the day comes that I can be back in full form you’ll be there with me baby by my side (or driving MY drunk ass home).

6 months down. Where has the time gone….

Metamorphosis

Today marks 5 months and 2 days. It is hard to believe that much time has passed in this pregnancy. Since finding out at 5 weeks 2 days my life has been measured in weeks and fruits and vegetables. I am not one to live in the future so the fact that this time has passed as quickly as it has, well it’s taken me by surprise. I had another midwife appointment today and with it brought up something I felt was blog-worthy. It pertains to the things I have thus enjoyed about this journey and the things I have not enjoyed. I am nothing if not honest so I’m putting it out there how I feel…starting with what I have enjoyed the least about being pregnant….

Gaining weight – Here is what I know: yes I’ll lose the weight after, yes it’s natural to gain weight, yes all that matters is a healthy baby, yes I know I’m in good shape, yes I’m young enough to bounce back….YES ok I know all this. And I’m telling you it doesn’t make it a damn bit easier to like the weight gain. It doesn’t. I’m sorry I cannot be happy or excited to see the scale climb in numbers. I have worked very hard to get my body to where it was before I was pregnant. I’m talking hours in the gym. Sweat in my eyes. Muscles so sore I could hardly bend down to tie my shoes. Aches which no amount of hot baths or icey hot could take away. Throughout my life I have gone in and out of spurts in working out and it wasn’t until my wedding that I had motivation to really get in shape. That’s the thing, as women we are conditioned to “slim down” or “get in shape” for events. Childbirth is the only big event in a women’s life where she is expected to do the opposite. I can’t just undo years of seeing a scale and a number and mentally thinking it’s bad or good. Being pregnant already comes with certain sacrifices but this is my body and for all my life it’s been mine. I’ve struggled with it, I’ve worked it, I’ve hated it and I’ve loved it and now it’s not mine. I have no control whatsoever. Imagine working out every single day and seeing the scale go up not down. I know it will pass, I know it will change and then change again and then again as I go through life. But I can’t help but grieve for something I worked so hard for that is now no longer what I want it to be.

And that’s my right.

This did not come easy

A lot of blood, sweat and tears goes into being in shape

But here is what I enjoy, feeling something move inside of me. I always thought I would be freaked out by something living inside me but if I can’t have my abs it’s a pretty good replacement. It’s more active when I am at rest so you can imagine that I don’t get to feel it all day as of yet. But at night I can feel it move and roll around and it’s a pretty special moment of bonding. I have no idea what it’s doing of course, maybe practicing yoga or drinking amniotic fluid and having a party. The feeling is as strange as it is wonderful and it reminds me that my body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing and it does have a purpose. I may have had to work hard to learn yoga, to do pull-ups correctly, to train my body how to hike 14ers or water ski but this my body did all on it’s own. I didn’t have to put any blood, sweat or tears into this new adventure my body is undertaking and perhaps that’s why I have yet to understand how my body knows better for me than what I know for it.

And as I sit at the halfway point I can’t help but also be joyful for all the support I’ve received and the world of becoming something new. I ran into an acquaintance of mine today who has two kids and although we’ve talked before at the gym here and there I know that now we have much more in common. By the end of our conversation she was giving me names of mothering centers to connect with other women and offering to give me clothing depending on the gender of the baby. I feel I am in the process of reinventing myself and along with it comes not only new goals and responsibilities but new friendships. Rather than feel alienated I feel empowered. Women tell me their birth stories who never would have shared that information before (and I wouldn’t have thought to care). Of course some of the advice I take with a grain of salt but I appreciate nonetheless. I feel I have more support on this journey than I did when I got married. I actually enjoy shopping for baby showers and going in to baby stores. To research and expand my knowledge of birthing, procedures, diapering, feeding; this is a whole new level of life I am experiencing.

20 weeks

I know the good outweighs (pun intended) the bad in what I have loved about pregnancy and what I have hated. But when you live with your self for so long and then you see that self change into something you don’t recognize…that can be scary. It can be intimidating. Gaining weight isn’t just about the numbers on a scale. It’s a reminder that every day I am one step closer to a life that I never dreamed about. Every pound is an adventure into the unknown and the uncertainty. It’s a reminder of how I’m stepping away from my old life, the Natalie I once knew and beginning a metamorphosis into someone completely transformed.

I’m sure the caterpillar is scared too when it begins it’s journey...even though it has no idea just how lovely it’s about to become….

Pleased to meet you....

I had a chance to meet the sweet potato today. Of all the appointments this is the one I was looking forward to the most. My mom flew in town for the weekend so she could come to the ultrasound with us. Living in Birmingham she may only be a two hour flight away but she feels miles apart in distance and I think, somewhat sad she cannot be here for me day to day. We spent the weekend going to brunch and shopping for my first (of what I’m sure will be many) baby items. I’ll admit all the “gear” is a little overwhelming and it’s difficult to shop for someone you’ve never even met. Life has also come full circle because I want to cloth diaper and my mom cloth diaper so she was full of helpful advice as we looked through the many brands and “systems.” I know things have changed over the years and I love and appreciate all my friends input but in all due respect my mom raised four kids so I default to her for a lot of help in these manners.

I did not want to know the gender. I have friends that tell me, “Oh I couldn’t stand not knowing,” and that’s all fine for them but as for me I don’t care. Knowing won’t change anything or how I feel. I just want to get to know the baby for what it is – a little person shaping and molding and growing each day in the space I provide. I don’t need to plan a themed nursery, I don’t need to pick a specific name, I don’t need that information to bond. I will say I’ve had three dreams on what the gender is and in the last dream I was spelling out the name to register it for pre-school. So maybe I’ll go with that name or maybe it will be that gender. Maybe not. I try to take these things as they come.

So to the sweet potato growing inside me - I must tell you that I feel like we know each other a little bit better now. Of course you can’t see me you can only hear me so I have an unfair advantage. Sitting in the dark ultrasound room it was like we were watching a movie on the television not looking at a beating heart and kidneys and a spine. The ultrasound techs commented on how photogenic you are which means you’ll fit in here perfectly. And like me, you were an active one. I could see you open and close your fists. Watched you turn your head and cross your legs. You let them take some gorgeous pictures of you then would turn this way and that teasing the Intern tech who was just getting his bearings of what he needed to look at before you’d shy away. Everyone comments on how small I am and how I don’t look pregnant for almost five months but you are in the 54 percentile meaning that yes, at 10oz you are two days bigger than most babies your size. 

week 19 about to kick some people's ass in spin class

I guess all that healthy eating has paid off because you sure are enjoying and that’s what matters. Your spine looks ok, you have 4 chambers in your heart, a whole brain, fingers, toes, kidneys, a nose, lips and everything looks to be in place. I really cannot believe that 4 months ago you didn’t exist. And now here you are. You blow my mind and celebrating this month of gratitude I am grateful for you.

I have said before that I never really knew if I wanted kids or not. And I’m still not sure what kind of world I am brining someone into. Life is tough, messy, beautiful and scary all at once and sometimes seems hardly the place for innocent children. But I am grateful to experience pregnancy to see just how life begins. My ego wanted to deny myself of this experience but so far it’s been awe inspiring. To see what started as just two pink lines on a pregnancy test an a blip on a screen evolve into a little being that can open and close it’s mouth and fists and move is surreal. To feel something move around inside you and watch it move on the screen is as bizarre as it is natural. I’m glad I could share this with both my mom and Chad – two people who probably wanted children for me even more than I wanted them for myself. I feel even more of a responsibility and duty now to protect and love.

On Wednesday I’ll be officially halfway there. I’m in no hurry. I am not anxious. I’ll meet the sweet potato soon enough and so will everyone else. But for now here’s a look at the curious wonder that is….

head is on the right in case you can't tell it's a profile shot.

another profile shot with the mouth open, maybe saying hi? laughing at us?

that's a shot of the hand the fingers are on the far right and you can see the arm bones and elbow

both arms or maybe practicing boxing

the legs with the heels on the left. It's got knobby knees and chicken legs like chad

Remind yourself you are one...

On Wednesday I had another appointment with the midwife. It was the one thing getting me through my flying week. I tend to be quite irritable lately so everyone from the pilots to the revolving door of flight attendants was driving me crazy. There wasn’t much fanfare to the midwife appointment, just going over some lab results, asking questions (for which I can never remember what it is I want to ask until I get home) and then the part that makes it all worth it – hearing the heartbeat.

Honestly the time I got to hear the heartbeat wasn’t long enough. Apparently the orange (it’s progressed to that size this week although I’ve taken a liking to calling it a lemon) “swam away” and before I knew it the appointment was over. Somehow none of this feels real until I have that appointment where I get to hear the heartbeat. I keep thinking all of this will go away any day. That I’ll wake up and the orange will be gone and this will all just have been a dream. I think that’s why I had the initial hesitation to bonding with the experience and with the orange. I compare it to a relationship that you have with anyone new. It takes you awhile to get to know someone before you can have that trust and fall in love. For me I couldn’t just give away my heart to someone I knew could leave my life at any moment.

So every time I get to hear that heartbeat it’s an unspoken language to me. It says, “I’m here, I’m alive.” I often take moments in my own life to feel my own heart beat and connect to the life force that moves within and keeps me alive. So I guess it should be no different that any chance I get to hear that second heart beat I feel more alive and reassured.

My best friend and soon to be doula (horray!) reminded me the other day how cool it was to be chosen as parents. And I believe that’s what we are is chosen. I believe that children are a gift that is given to us but in essence, not ours. It’s a detachment way of thinking that I inherited from my practice of yoga and studying the Bhagavad Ghita. This is a gift given an entrusted to me. It’s my duty to care for it, nourish, love it and ultimately prepare it for the world and then, one day when it’s ready, set it free to grow into its own person.

Although I don’t know how I can raise someone in this life when I’m not even sure I know what the hell it is I’m doing.

I am enjoying this time however, that the orange is with me. I know your children are always a part of you but they do grow up and move on and sometimes you find yourself a great distance apart. But for now I carry you not only in my heart but in body. Throughout yoga, spin, flying, walking, sleeping, throughout my good days and bad. Meetings and conversations with friends that no one else hears or knows about. Pretty soon I read it will be able to hear my voice. If you know me you know I like to talk, I imagine I’ll have a lot to say when no one else is around. Right now, in this time, I have this second spirit with me. It’s made me more grateful, reflective. More receptive to love. My world has opened up to the kindness of people all around me. There truly is so much respect and love and happiness in the world…but much like my initial reaction to finding out I was pregnant so much of our perceptions are negative. We neglect to see the positive and the beauty in every person, every moment, every day.

Tonight in my yoga class I talked about being a miracle. How each of us is a miracle and we lose sight of that in our lives. Somewhere along the way we get swallowed up by society and think we have to look a certain way. It’s the ego that tells us this. Because when we are in the beginning we are perfect. And someone loved us from the very beginning. Someone carried us for nine months and when we were born they saw no flaws. Our skin, our eyes, fingers, toes -there was nothing to be upset about as long as we were there. But at the core of our being is the heart. It’s the only thing anyone can hear to know we are alive from early on.

And it’s the only thing that matters.

It’s the only thing that should ever matter.

So when are we going to stop looking at the outside, and start looking in?

This life, not mine but the one I’m growing has taught me so much already.

And you’re only the size of an orange.

Falling into Acceptance

When I first started teaching yoga I would often bring in a quote or some song lyrics to theme my class around. I was, of course, learning as a teacher and so as I grew more confident in myself and what I had to say I began to offer more. Instead of writing everything down I wished to say, I now think about the conversation it is I wish to have with my students and I speak from the heart. I'd like to think it makes me more relatable as a teacher and gives the students trust in me to guide them in their practice. Usually I pick something I am working on in my own life and as the theme grows and the week goes I explore the topic even more. This week's topic: Acceptance.

I asked my students this week what fall meant to them. With the seasons brings change and new opportunities. For most it was something as simple as being excited to wear boots and scarves again. The ability to have a pumpkin spice latte or enjoying the fall colors. My friend and student Oz, said something along the lines of what I was thinking which was deeper than a new wardrobe - that this time of year was a reminder of slowing down and of awarness. Of paying attention to what's all around us and cultivating. Nature is not in a hurry. It's timing is perfect and it's rythm is set to the sun. As the days get shorter and the weather cooler it's a time for us to accept that nothing can stay as it was. That the earth rotates with or without us. So you might as well find something to enjoy and a reason to celebrate or else be miserable and fight the changes kicking and screaming.

I feel the similarites in my own life. Acceptance is what I am cultivating. Today I had an overnight in Aspen and arrived at the hotel early. I was content to just sit in my room until I looked out my window at the base of Buttermilk Mountain and saw the most yellow aspen trees. Aspen trees are my favorite, especially when they are yellow. I am drawn to them like a moth to a flame. I want to hug them...literally. So I left my hotel and began a walk up the mountain with no destination in mind just to be surrounded by the trees. And for the first time I talked to the Lemon. That's what the baby is this week, the size of a lemon. Maybe the trees pulled me because I was reminded of the color of a lemon I don't know. But no one was around so I decided to talk to the lemon. I asked the lemon how it was enjoying the hike. That hiking is something I love to do and I hope one day it would enjoy hiking too. And even if not it would find it's own adventures to dazzle me just as I dazzle my own mother. I told the lemon I was happy to take it hiking. That I enjoyed the time we got to spend together. I told it about me and about it's dad. How we are both kind of crazy so to be prepared.

And for the first time, I told the lemon, the little baby that I loved it.

I hadn't told it that before and I felt like it should know it and hear it. I told it I would love it as best I could and though I wasn't sure why it chose us as parents that we'd always do our best. I didn't want it to think it wasn't wanted. That just because it wasn't in my plans that life has a way of fulfilling wishes you didn't even know you had. I was reminded of my favorite quote from Peter Pan, "Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it."

It was my first step in Acceptance.

I sat for a long while on top of the mountain, watching the leaves fall around me. In one way I envied the trees because they are perfect in their timing of changing. They are not rushed, they do not grieve, they do not regret. They cycle through the seasons and stand tall and proud even as they are naked and covered heavy with snow. But I had to remind myself that trees cannot move. They must remain where they are. They change but they never move forward. And that's not how I want my life to be.

I feel like my body is like a tree. It knows what to do and with each week it adapts and it prepares for the next step. Instead of fighting my body I have to let it do what it does and what it's been doing for thousands of years in pregnant women around the world. It knows. Acceptance. I may never have a six pack again, or smaller hips, my butt or boobs might sag and I might get stretch marks. But I have to accept that where I end up is far better than what I leave behind. And I have gratitude for my body and for every wonderful way it moves me. Like a tree I should not grieve for what I once was and accept what will come.

In my yoga class this week I encouraged my students to check their egos at the door. To not be afraid. To tell themselves they are strong and yes, they can. They can do anything. I hope to embody these things myself.

I took one final look at the aspen's and the town around me before I headed back to my hotel room. I placed my palm on a tree and felt the connection with nature. I took a moment to remind myself that this would be the last October I'd be alone. That it would be just me and Chad and Bebe and Kingsley. This time next year who knows if I'd even be flying to Aspen. So I took it all in and enjoyed getting paid to have this revelation. I'm glad I took the time to look out the window today...

As Bob Dylan Sang, the times are a changing...

I don’t normally blog about my personal life. I like to stick to the theme of traveling, camping and all the adventures the Magee’s take. That is, after all what started this blog. But I feel this subject is important because ultimately it could affect the future of this flying Magee. While it’s not a 14er or a hike to Everest Base Camp in Nepal it is another grand adventure.

I’m pregnant.

13 weeks to be exact. 

 

I found out at about 4 weeks. I had felt a weird pull in my abdomen in yoga sculpt and there were other things going on in my body that didn’t feel normal. Then a friend came up to me, while this was weighing on my mind and told me she had a dream I was pregnant. That’s not something people just tell you they dream about every day. We were heading on a back woods adventure so I thought I would just take a test and clear my mind. So on a Monday morning, by myself alone in my bathroom I took a test. And as the lines started to come through I saw a bright pink positive sign.

“Oh fuck.” Was my first thought.

Don’t judge. Not every woman dreams of getting pregnant. Everyone talks about how hard it is to get pregnant and no one, besides unfortunate high school girls, ever talk about how easy it is. So yes, I didn’t think I could get pregnant THAT easily. I thought some effort would have to be made and I was safe being not exactly safe until I was ready to put in that effort. I went out to Walgreen’s and bought another package of tests and took two more in vain hoping in a small way they would have different results. Of course they didn’t, so I did the only thing I could think to do, text my friend Casey the pictures of the positive tests with the note:

“Do not tell a soul. What the fuck is this?!”

Being my friend of 15 years she called me immediately and gauged my feelings before reacting with hers. She told me the best thing to do would be to go to the doctor and have a follow up ultrasound and they could tell me how far along I was and if it was a real pregnancy not hormonal or tubal. I was flying out on a four day trip that afternoon so I couldn’t make an appointment until I got home. I packed my bags and headed out of Denver, taking another pregnancy test with me in my suitcase just to check the next day. I didn’t say a word to Chad.

Some people may scoff at the idea of not telling their husbands right away. Well some people need time to process information before they share it with others. Truthfully I didn’t know how to feel. All I could think of was how this was going to affect my life. My ego got in the way. I wouldn’t be able to go on my yoga retreat in Costa Rica, I wouldn’t be able to drink at upcoming events, how would I go back to flying and working afterwards with a baby?, I didn’t have enough money…etc. etc. So I needed those four days to myself to see how I really felt before I told anyone else.

When I went to the Doctor’s on that Thursday I was confident I’d walk right in, have the ultrasound, have a picture to show to my husband and that would be that. I was even thinking of cute ways I could wrap the picture up to give it to him. During the ultrasound however, I noticed the tech was taking longer than I thought it should have taken to find something on the screen. She kept moving the wand around and she wasn’t saying much. Finally she announced I was done but that she couldn’t find anything on the screen. My uterus appeared empty. They did another pregnancy test and confirmed I was pregnant so from there it was determining why nothing could be seen on the ultrasound. They drew blood and told me that they would call me with the results of the hCg levels in the blood. Then I would have to come back for more blood work. The first blood test would detect for the pregnancy hormones in the blood. If the second test revealed higher levels then I was definitely pregnant and had just come in too early, if it was less it would mean a hormonal pregnancy that would self abort and if it were the same it would mean the pregnancy was tubal which could be life threatening.

They say when you don’t know what you want between two things you should flip a coin because at that moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what it is you want. I felt the same way after the blood work. After the disappointment of not finding anything on the ultrasound and the anticipation of having to wait over the weekend to have my second blood work done, I knew the outcome I was hoping for.

The first trimester has been tough. There have been so many emotions and so many changes. It was hard to keep it a secret from friends because when we would be out and about I couldn’t drink. I know everyone says, “just drink a soda water with lime no one will know!” Well your friends must not know you very well because some of my friends knew instantly. When people hand you a shot or want to order you a drink and you decline or when you turn down your favorite beer or an offer for a Happy Hour….well people will start to question you. I had to start modifying my work out schedule because I would feel nauseated in the morning and could no longer stomach taking 7am classes. I had to start carrying snacks in my purse wherever I went because when the hunger pang strikes you have to eat or someone is going to be seriously harmed in my path. I became out of breath doing simple things like climbing stairs or hiking. And yes I have hiked three 14ers since I found out, sky dived AND rock climbed in boulder and goose creek (I’ll save that for another post). It sometimes takes all my energy to just get my workouts in then I’m done for the day. I have become irritable and cranky and I love my sleep and naps. I have never had any particular relationship with food and now I look forward to eating. I enjoy what I put in my mouth and I think about my choices because it’s not just me anymore.

I know I will have much more to blog about on this Magee adventure as things progress. Right now it still doesn’t feel real. We’ve painted the room that will be the nursery but that’s it. I haven’t bought a single baby item and I refuse to wear maternity clothing though I can feel my jeans and bras getting a little tight. I’m holding out as long as I can. It’s not that I’m in denial about being pregnant it’s that I just want to enjoy every day each day at a time. I’m not looking too far ahead in the future because then I will worry. I’m trying to remain as stress free as possible. We aren’t finding out the gender and I have a midwife group picked out and know I want a water birth but those are the only major steps I’ve taken….and they are probably the most important decisions. Everything else will come as it will. All I can say is that I feel like my life is following the seasons. Things are starting to change, life is starting to change. I have two hearts beating inside me and I’m going to be responsible for giving life to a human being. It’s a privilege. One I don’t know why was given to me. So many other women hope and pray and work for this and I feel a little bad because I didn’t have to do a thing. I don’t know why the universe gives us gifts we don’t ask for but I do know I am grateful for the journey.

And what a journey it’s going to be for this Magee…