Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Assume good intentions. Change the story

Amazing what a difference a year can make. This time last year I wrote this blog about acceptance. I was about four months along in my pregnancy and I was scared. I wasn't sure what my role would be as a mother and how I would fulfill it or what the future would hold. I wasn't sure if I would return to my job as a flight attendant or what the gender of my baby would be or how I would feel once the baby was born. However scared I was almost exactly a year ago I decided to accept whatever the universe had in store for me. Once I came into acceptance my view on my pregnancy changed and I found a sense of peace inside.

As we move into fall, my favorite time of year in Colorado, I find once again I am scaring myself. I've taken on several challenges over the past month which have moved and shaped me in different ways. I climbed the 14er Mt. Princeton with my friends Michelle (it was her first ever) and Stephanie and the weather made what would usually be an easy hike quite a challenge:

we were treated to an amazing sunrise

but instead of clouds burning off they socked us in

we could hardly see one another or the trail on the way down

visibility somewhat returned upon getting to treeline
We were attempting a sunrise hike and ideally would have been on the summit for the morning sun but it was just not meant to be. I became scared as the clouds socked us in, hugging us like a thick blanket and obscuring everything in sight. The rocky trail was covered in a sheet of frost which made slipping inevitable. No one else was on the trail besides us and it was quiet...almost too quiet. We made it back to camp in just under 8 hours. Once we got back to the road the thick blanket of clouds lifted and there I saw along the trail some Aspens that were just starting to change:

Much like last year when I walked among the Aspens in Aspen they were the first physical sign to me of the changes to come in the months ahead.

So in the spirit of changing and moving forward and not being afraid of the story as it unfolds I have been continuing to push myself past my comfort zone. I took Charlotte to visit my sister and brother in-law in Monterey. Flying solo with the baby then renting a car and driving from one city to the next and enjoying the views of the ocean and cherry fields along the way. We went to the aquarium where I viewed my favorite exhibit which happen to be the jellyfish. They are deadly and dangerous but so graceful as they float through the water. Moving with the tides unafraid of where the waters might take them. My brother in-law and I went sea kayaking where I was able to see some of these jellyfish drifting by my boat in person. A piece of plastic was all that separated me from these venomous creatures but it also allowed me to see the sea lions, seals and sea otters as we floated past. Sometimes it's ok to be scared and to take risks when it allows you to see the view from the other side.

at Big Sur

seeing the sea otters floating in the kelp

sea otter

baby love's first time in the ocean

saw these same Sea nettles while kayaking in the bay

Not that I have to go far to find change or to scare myself. Looking no further than literally my own back yard I have found the leaves changing to a brilliant yellow as they fall from the tree and the wind swirls them all around me.

Or I should say all around "us." These days there isn't a lot of times where babylove isn't with me. I have been fortunate enough these past weeks to be with family so I could get out and work out, enjoy happy hour with friends or even drink a glass of wine without being interrupted. As much as I love my baby I also enjoy my "me" time even if that just means going to the grocery store after yoga class or having coffee with a friend.

While Charlotte isn't always with me, she is never far from my mind. To me, it's amazing to think back on how scared I was before she was even born and now that she's here my life is full of different fears and challenges. Sometimes....well I might say most times I bring these fears and challenges upon myself. Life simply isn't as hard as I often make it out to be. I enjoy climbing mountains and testing my limits. I can't help but try to kick up into handstands a million times even if I can only hold it for 2 seconds. I know traveling alone with a baby and driving through an unfamiliar city sounds crazy but I can't help but see for myself. I drive miles into the wilderness to see a tree that I love getting ready to transform and change from vibrant to dormant. Transformation is change and change is a challenge. Yet the trees don't shy away from it year after year and where do I find myself but at their base admiring their changes.

And as they change I change the story. That's what this time of year, this season, this life...is all about.

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