Today I showered, ate lunch, and was able to take a walk all before two o’clock. To my kid-less counterparts this might not seem like a big deal but for me with having a newborn this is monumental. I’m actually sacrificing my nap time to write this blog. When I was pregnant people would offer me all sorts of advice- solicited and un-solicited. I got advice on what to eat, where to buy maternity clothes, insights to birth stories and horror stories about child births gone wrong. Men, women, young or old it didn’t matter, everyone I met or passed by on the street had something to offer me about their experience or their cousin’s mother’s step-aunt’s experience. I read books and browsed the internet and felt fully prepared to have a child by the end of nine months. What no one tells you or offers advice about is what to do after you have the baby. Once you leave the hospital you are on your own and once family leaves and your husband heads back to work you are TRULY alone.
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| just me and the lil' lady |
This is when you might feel depression start to creep in.
No one likes to talk about the baby blues or post-partum
depression. As if for some reason it’s shameful. It’s most likely that every
woman will suffer some sort of baby blues. Symptoms include: mood swings,
anxiety, sadness, irritability, crying, decreased concentration and trouble
sleeping. I know I experienced all these symptoms, sometimes simultaneously.
For me, my baby blues started once I headed home from the hospital. I had a
house full of people and so I felt overwhelmed. I remember walking out on to my
deck with my new baby so she could get some sun for her jaundice and feeling
physically ill when I looked over the railing of the deck. I panicked thinking
that I might somehow accidentally drop her over the edge. Knowing that I was
now responsible for the care and well being of another human made me somehow
feel inadequate. No one told me how hard breast feeding would be. When you see
pictures of women who have had new babies they are smiling and laughing and
kissing their new babies. No one posts pictures of themselves at 2am, sleep deprived with a screaming baby, milk
leaking from their boobs as they are trying to change a diaper and then trying
to get baby to latch. The reality is that while I had friends and family
offering their support to me, no one could do the hardest job I needed help
with which was breast feeding. It was frustrating, it was hard, my boobs hurt
and sometimes the last thing I wanted to do was to feed my child. I just wanted
to sleep or pee by myself or put the baby down for a minute. When they cry you
think they are going to cry forever. It breaks your soul.
I can see how the baby blues, which typically lasts from a
few days to a week or two, can turn into postpartum depression. Symptoms for
postpartum depression include: loss of appetite, insomnia, intense irritability
and anger, overwhelming fatigue, lack of joy in life, feelings of shame, guilt
or inadequacy, severe mood swings, difficulty bonding with your baby, withdrawal
from family or friends, or thoughts of harming yourself or your baby. I think a
lot of factors can lead you down this path and there is no way to predict who
it will affect. I know for me on the days it has snowed it has been a lot
harder for me. Not being able to leave the house made me feel isolated and
trapped like a prisoner. The days feel extra long when you have a newborn. I
cannot imagine having to go through a whole winter being indoors day in and out
like a lot of women have to do.
For me, I had the ideal birth experience that I wanted but
if I had not there would have been a grieving process for that as well. If you
are depressed post partum ask yourself if your birth experience could be the
cause. A lot of women have trauma during birth experiencing anything from an
unwanted c-section to an un-supportive birth partner, midwife or OBGYN. Do not
be afraid to let yourself feel grief because what happened in reality is
different than what you envisioned for yourself.
Week two is when I started to feel myself hit a wall and
start to slide down the black hole that is depression. It was the first week I
was alone every day with my daughter and it had also snowed several days in a
row. Most all of my friends were heading down to a yoga retreat in Costa Rica –
a trip I would have been on had I not had my daughter. After confessing my
sadness to my husband he suggested that I take some time for myself and go to a
yoga class at my studio. While my midwife had wanted me to wait six weeks until
working out, my post partum bleeding had subsided and I felt good enough to
start exercising again. What a difference this made in my mental health. My
yoga practice isn’t just about getting in shape or looking good…my studio Qi is
my happy place. While I initially felt guilty leaving the house I also knew
that it would give my husband a chance to bond with the baby by himself. Whether
your happy place is the library, a running group, the yoga studio or the mall I
encourage any woman to get out and about sans baby as soon as you feel ready.
What ever makes you feel like your most authentic self is what you should do
for yourself so you can heal. I was only gone from the house an hour but in
that hour I missed my baby and it made me feel happy to come home to her again
with a new perspective.
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| two days post partum |
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| three weeks out - after two yoga classes, one kore barre and two runs on the elliptical plus lots of walks |
In addition to combating the baby blues by working out and
eating healthy I have also been taking placenta pills. I know my mother would
cringe to hear I am talking about this (“Natalie please don’t talk about eating
the placenta” is what she specifically told me awhile back) but it’s something
that has helped me and might help other women.
Before Charlotte
was born I researched placenta encapsulation and felt it was the right choice
for me. I am someone who is prone to depression and I wanted to do everything I
could to ensure I was in the best mental and physical state post partum to care
for my baby. I can’t remember how I first heard about placenta encapsulation
but my midwives didn’t seem surprised when I asked them about saving the
placenta so the two seem to go hand in hand.
If you are lucky like I was, the midwife will show you your
placenta after the baby is born. It is a most impressive organ which happens to
look like a tree with all its veins and large round shape (it’s often called
the tree of life) that is grown solely for the purpose of keeping baby alive as
it doesn’t exist before pregnancy. It grows with your baby and implants on the
wall of the uterus. The umbilical cord is attached from the placenta to the
baby and this is what feeds and nourishes your child and where they get their
oxygen from. Babies can be born in the water since they get their oxygen from
the placenta via the umbilical cord and continue to receive oxygen until the
cord is cut. After the cord is cut the midwife or OBGYN presses on your uterus
from the outside and the placenta detaches and is birthed. As long as you sign
a waiver, bring your own container and your placenta is whole it is yours to
keep. The hospital will just throw it away otherwise.
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| I will spare you the bloody placenta picture I have but here is a placenta print - not mine because I forgot paper to do this |
My doula took my placenta to the placenta lady that I had
found via the internet. Most people who do placenta encapsulation are also
doulas and may incorporate this into their services if you so choose. Many will
also come pick it up from your house or hospital and deliver it to you once it has
been encapsulated. They will want it within the first 48 hours for safety and
health reasons and also because you are likely to feel your worst emotionally
on day four or five. The process is fairly simple – after being refrigerated first it is washed well and any clots and blood are removed. In accordance
with traditional Chinese medicine it is then steamed (with or without herbs)
and finally dehydrated and ground down into powder form and placed into
vegetarian capsules. You can expect to receive around 100-200 capsules. My
placenta lady also dried the remaining attached umbilical cord and made it into
a circle for me to keep. The umbilical cord is symbolic because it attached Charlotte
to me and like that circle, this new bond that we have has no beginning or end.
So what are the benefits? It is believed that consuming the
placenta can: help to balance your hormones, replenish depleted iron levels,
assist the uterus to return to pre-pregnancy state, reduce post-natal bleeding,
increase milk production (this has been proven in a study), make for a happier
post natal period and increase your energy levels. Not a lot of research has
been done on placentophagy but it makes sense that at a time in your life when
your hormones are under a major upheaval and you have lost a great deal of
blood, that the placenta can provide these needs, to help avoid iron deficiency
as well as its side effects of depression.
Before you judge – ask yourself this, have you ever eaten a
hot dog? Do you drink milk which is from a cows utters? Do you eat eggs which
are essentially a chicken’s period? If you think about the things you consume
on a daily basis, eating a placenta (which by the way animals do in the wild
although let it be noted cows do NOT drink their own milk so marinate on that
one) in capsule form is not that crazy. For me, I would rather consume
something that my body grew which I know to be safe than be prescribed drugs
manufactured in a lab to treat depression or iron deficiency.
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| do you know how this is made? pretty gross so don't judge |
I can only speak from my experience and that is that before
taking the pills I felt more anxious and overwhelmed than I did after taking
them. Anyone who has seen me in public lately has commented how much energy I
have and how happy I seem. I owe it not only to the placenta pills but to a
combination of getting back into my workout routines, eating healthy and having
a great support system. While I was fully prepared for my labor and delivery,
having a baby full time is something that has been a huge adjustment for me.
While trying to heal my body I also had the task of providing for another
beautiful human life and the weight of that responsibility is enormous. Taking
care of yourself and recognizing the signs and symptoms of the baby blues can
mean the difference in having a rough couple of weeks or a volatile few months.
If you do develop post partum depression don’t be afraid to reach out and ask
for help! Taking care of number one- you will make for a much happier baby in
the long run. There is no turning back once your baby is born, so you might as
well pave the road ahead as smoothly as possible.
