I’ve given up on my daughter.
It’s not for lack of trying on my part – I’ve done
everything I can do. There just comes a point in every parents’ life when you
must admit that it’s time to walk away no matter how much it pains you to do
so. I’m sure my daughter will be fine in the end. In fact, she may even be
better off without me.
Friends, I’m over potty training.
When my daughter Charlotte was about a year old I had an acquaintance
tell me that her daughters were both potty trained by 18 months. This seemed like
an amazing alternative to changing diapers and a milestone to look forward too.
So when she was a year and a half I went out and I bought a small green potty
with a princess crown etched on it that sang songs anytime liquid hit the bowl.
I proudly brought it home like a shiny new toy and sat it in the corner of the
living room. I swapped diapers for much more expensive pull-ups and even
hopefully bought some panties for toddlers.
“We’re potty training!” I announced to my husband and
daughter.
As if that were all it would take.
I must say we started off on the right note. My daughter was
curious about the potty and she used it here and there. The thing about singing
potties is they don’t just play music when they’re used, they like to go off at
three in the morning as well much to everyone’s surprise. Still, I thought we
were on the fast track to having my daughter ditch the diapers and become the
oldest kid in class not in diapers at school.
Then she broke her tibia and fibula.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had the misfortune of having a
child with a broken leg and a cast that extends up to her thigh but it’s
horrible. The cast isn’t the worst part it’s the fact your child regresses and
has to relearn how to walk, sit and sleep. We couldn’t get pants up and down
her leg, let alone pull-ups so we switched back to diapers. Charlotte started
sleeping in our bed because she had to have her leg propped up on a pillow or
the weight of the cast caused immense pain. We went from having a two-year old
to what felt like an infant once again. Potty training took a back seat and we
all but forgot about the princess potty. I bought a Costco size amount of
pull-ups. I waived my white flag and admitted defeat.
When I enrolled Charlotte in a pre-k program at a new school
this past May I lied and told the teacher she was potty trained. They
encouraged the children to only wear pull-ups at nap time and to bring them to
school in underwear. I broke the rules and sent her in pull-ups in favor of
being sent home bags of laundry to wash from accidents all day. Then her other
childcare center she’s also attending (she’s enrolled in two schools making
weekdays nothing short of chaos) sent home a note telling me to send Charlotte
in underwear along with several outfit changes because they were working really
hard on potty training the classroom as well. My husband lamented that our
daughter simply could not be trained to use a toilet. No amount of bribing or
fancy potty’s worked and she just did not care if she wet her pants or wet the
floor. We thought we might as well stock up on adult diapers because that’s
where our lives were headed.
Then I did the unthinkable, I truly gave up. I looked around
me at the parents I admired and that seems to be what worked best for all of
them. I watched my friends whose child still carried around a bottle or pacifier
or sleeps in bed with them – none of them seemed phased. I noted that while our
child may not have been ready to give up diapers, it seemed every child around
us had a “thing” they clung too. Perhaps it’s partly the parents fault for us
not wanting our children to grow up; to enjoy the fact they still needed us. I
know potty training is one of the few milestones Charlotte can learn on her own
and I had to eventually throw away my timeline and start taking cues from hers.
She wasn’t ready to let go of the diapers and that was OK because maybe I wasn’t
either.
Incidentally last week I launched operation, “we’re wearing
panties and I don’t care what happens to them.” I went to Target and filled my
basket with toddler underwear and filled her drawer where the pull-ups and
diapers once were. I told my husband from now on Charlotte was wearing
underwear and I didn’t care what happened to them or how many outfit changes we
went through. I took her on a 3 hour plane ride to visit my sister shortly
after and brought only two diapers with me. I knew I was rolling the dice to
bring a potty training toddler solo on a plane but I was through worrying.
We ditched the diapers once and for all.
So perhaps your child was wearing underwear before mine –
who cares. As parents we need to stop comparing our children to one another and
realize our child is unique and special and will outgrow certain habits as they’re
ready. My daughter never sucked her thumb, drank a bottle past a year, slept in
our bed past infancy (minus the cast incident) or carried a blanket everywhere
so refusal to use the potty just happened to be her deal
I’m sure in the future I’ll have many more moments where I’ll
have to stick my hands in my pockets and accept the fact she’s better off without
my guidance.
I’ve learned it’s Ok to give up on your child and let them enjoy
whatever phase they’re currently in. This was always meant to be her milestone,
not mine.
In the meantime I’ll just be stocking up on Clorox wipes and
carpet cleaner.
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