My Birth Story or Climbing my Everest

“At the moment of commitment, the entire universe conspires to assist you.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

March 31, 2013 – the day I climbed my personal Everest.

I had been training and preparing for this day for the past 9 months. After much researching and thinking I had decided I wanted to have a natural birth. Watching, “The Business of Being Born,” as suggested by my friend and doula Casey was the first time I realized child birth wasn’t an experience to be numbed. Then I read Ina May’s Guide to Natural Childbirth which opened my eyes even more to the possibility of going un-medicated. I started to see there were few reasons to have drugs and that labor was painful but it was not suffering. So just like putting together a team to hike Everest I organized a team I knew would see me to the end of my goal. A team that would ensure my success, and get me to the top of the mountain.

38 weeks and ready to climb

Choosing a midwife was the first step for me. As I’ve said before many people automatically thought that because I chose a midwife I was having a home birth. In fact people thought a lot of things about me choosing a midwife. I even had a flight attendant say to me something along the lines of how I probably chose a midwife because it was “cheaper.” It’s actually surprising how little people know about midwives. They can and do everything an OB does but are not trained to perform a c-section. They are natural birth minded and take the approach that a woman’s body knows what it’s doing from the moment it conceives. There were no invasive cervical checks. They supported my decision to decline certain after birth treatments for my baby. They supported my decision to encapsulate the placenta. I wrote a birth plan but it turns out I didn’t even really need it because they did everything I wanted them to do.

I chose the midwives associated with Colorado University Hospital because in addition to having a midwife I also wanted to try a water birth. After researching I saw they were the only midwife group in the state of Colorado that also had water births. A lot of hospitals will let you labor in a tub but make you get out for actual pushing. I wasn’t sure if the water would feel good or not but I knew I wanted that to be an option for myself.

The c-section rate is abysmally high in the United States; one in three women have one. The success rate for climbing Mt. Everest is about 31%. If I wanted to climb my personal Everest I needed another key support person on my team – a doula.

I don’t think a lot of people understand what a doula is. When I told people I was having a doula they would respond with, “Oh well that’s what my husband is for.” Let’s be clear – your husband is not your doula. He can’t be. He is there to support you in your birth but he isn’t a doula. He doesn’t have the knowledge of childbirth a doula has. He doesn’t know the signs and symptoms of labor, the optimal laboring positions or how to best support you in your birth. A doula is the mother to the mother. She is there for you, for emotional and physical support.

My doula happened to be my best friend of 15 years. We had Casey fly out the Thursday before my due date in hopes that this would give her plenty of time to be here before the birth. I knew having a midwife would help support my dreams of a natural childbirth but a doula was another measure to ensure my success. Having my doula be at my house when my labor actually began was amazing.

me and my doula

On Saturday March 30^th, I felt a calm come over me. My mother had arrived in town, my doula was at the house and so were my in-laws. I had attended a Friday night party at my gym that was my last opportunity to see all my friends. I felt in my heart it was time. Just like the first time I told the baby I loved it, I put my hand on my stomach and talked out loud in private to the baby. I told the baby I was ready for its arrival. I was excited to meet it and I wasn’t afraid of what I was about to go through. I set my intention not only to the baby but also to the universe. I was ready to start the climb.

On Sunday March 31^st at 6am I woke up having a crampy feeling. Contractions, feel like menstrual cramps and in the beginning they were uncomfortable but not overwhelming. After two or three runs to the bathroom I told Chad to start timing what I thought were contractions. He noted they lasted a minute each and were about 5-6 minutes apart. No one was awake in the house yet but Chad and I both looked at each other and realized this was happening. I sent my sister a text that said, “I think today is going to be the day.” Then I took a bath and rode out some of the contractions there, followed by a shower – noticing as the contractions grew stronger I would have to lean into the wall or hunch over the tub. I proceeded to get ready as usual, even attempting to blow dry my hair but the pain was becoming more intense. Once I vomited after a strong contraction my husband thought it was best to notify Casey that things were happening. Casey knew that my vomiting was a sign I was dilating faster than even I thought. She suggested we call the midwife. She helped me labor at home for the next hour (the midwife’s suggestion since after talking to her on the phone she noticed I could still talk through the pain) until I vomited again and Casey firmly said it was time to go to the hospital. Honestly I had no urge to go to the hospital. I would have had no idea when it was time. Although we were timing my contractions and they were close, it still didn’t seem like that day would be the day.

last pic of preggo me before heading to the hospital

family of two soon to be three

Because my doula was at my house she was able to help me with one of the worst parts of labor which was the car ride to the hospital. I sat in the back seat with her and she waved a fan on me to keep me cool. She tied bags on the back of the front seat in case I got sick again (which I did) and encouraged me to suck down honey sticks and drink water. Since she was taking care of me Chad could focus on the driving and I could focus on turning inwards to manage my pain. Casey would make moaning noises to encourage me to make a low “om” sound to get through the pain. It sounds strange but making noises out loud seems a little embarrassing. Even in front of your own husband. To have someone make them with me was like having someone sing with you – you don’t feel so awkward and you don’t feel so alone. Once we got to the hospital Chad was able to get the bags while she helped me in. She whispered in my ear, “This is going to be the longest walk of your life. Take breaks when you need to and lean on Chad.” Her advice was amazing because it gave me permission to take my time. I’m probably one of the few pregnant women who was in labor who walked themselves into the hospital and up to the 4^th floor to check in. She had my purse with my ID and everything in it so that when we were checking in she could answer questions and let me focus on my contractions.

Once we checked in at the hospital we didn’t automatically go to a birthing suite I had to go to triage first. Ideally the midwife would have come in and checked me for dilation here before admitting me to a birthing suite. My midwife was attending another birth so the nurse had to hook me up to a fetal heart rate monitor and contraction monitor to see how the baby’s heart rate was and how far apart my contractions were. Here again having a doula was key. The three of us were left alone in the room and lying on that bed was even worse than having to walk in to the hospital. They wanted me to be on the monitor for at least 20 minutes so they could get a good reading. It was 20 minutes of torture. Before this point I was accustomed to doing whatever felt natural to work through a contraction – squatting, getting on all fours, swaying, bending over, just whatever came to me. Now I was tethered to a bed and asked to remain still so they could get a good reading.  I vomited again and Casey was able to capture it before it hit the floor. I found a rhythm where I could roll on my side and hug her while Chad rubbed my lower back. It took two people to get me through and had it just been Chad and I, I know the situation would have been much more stressful and overwhelming.

Once we moved up to the actual birthing suite my doula took charge. 

view from our suite - you could see pikes peak from here

They were quite busy at the hospital that morning so we were brought to the room and let in and then left alone with the promise that the midwife would be in as soon as she finished with another birth. Chad began filling up the bathtub and Casey went and told my nurse that I was getting in it. Normally they do not want you to labor in water until you are at least 5cm dilated but we still hadn’t been seen by my midwife for a cervical check so we did what we needed to do. I had a strong urge to get in the tub. I knew the water would make me feel weightless and help relieve the pressure I felt in my lower abdomen. Once I got in the tub I felt the relief of the warm water enveloping me. My labor and delivery nurse came in and set up a pillow for me tethered to the bath rail and then suggested the best thing ever – that some laboring women liked the spray nozzle sprayed on their bellies. So that became my ritual. While Chad or Casey would hold a wet cloth on my head (thank you again doula for thinking to bring plenty of wash rags!), the other would spray my stomach with the warm water when I let them know the contraction was coming on. They took turns alternating this, feeding me ice chips and draining the water so I’d stay warm. Chad could not have done this alone and there’s no one else that would have been there to do this for me at that point. At first I was crying out in pain as the contractions built in intensity but then I began to channel my yoga breath.

with my midwife anne

Yoga and knowing how to breathe became key at this point in labor. I cannot thank yoga enough for teaching me how to breathe and how to make the most of a full breath. Each contraction lasted about 7-12 breaths. The best way I can describe a contraction is to liken it to a wave. I would feel the wave start to build up and I would fill up my lungs, then I would exhale fully. I would do this again and again and when I got to 5 I knew that I was on the downhill slope of pain. Chad said that at first he noticed I was erratic and then I became calm. I labored in silence. I would let them know when I felt the contraction start to build and whoever had the spray nozzle would start to spray me with warm water. I don’t know why this felt good; I can only think that the sensation of warm water on my skin gave me a different sensation to focus on other than the pain in my uterus. I vomited again when I was in the tub and it was a good thing my doula was there by my side to catch it in a garbage can.

I had my IV inserted for the penicillin dose for my strep B and then my midwife came in and checked me for dilation  while I was in the tub and to everyone’s surprise told me I was 9cm and my water bag had not broken yet. She then informed me that at this point I would probably start crowning in the next 15 minutes. There wasn’t time to set up the big water birthing tub but I could push and have the baby in the tub where I was at if I wanted. At this point I had been in the water about two hours. My midwife went to tell the nurses to prepare the room for the baby to be born and again my doula took over monitoring me for when I felt my water break. At the suggestion of the midwife I began pushing with the next contractions which became more intense and I focused on breaking my water. Chad was able to help me get through the contractions while Casey was the liaison between me and the midwife – relaying information on when I thought my water broke. It was amazing to have two people that were there for me and could help me through the transition to the next stage.

My water broke in the tub and when I was checked again I was at 10cm. I moved out of the tub so they could refill it in case I wanted to push in the water. I labored on the toilet for about 15 minutes and then the midwife wanted to put oxygen on me and monitor the baby’s heart rate better so they had me move from the bathroom to the bed. It took all the strength I had to move and honestly the very very short walk was a blur. I remember collapsing by the bed and it took Casey, Chad, my midwife and the nurse to lift me on to it. The oxygen was more for the baby than me because its heart rate was a little low which is pretty typical when they move through the birth canal and get squeezed. I was also hyperventilating with the pushing contractions so the oxygen gave me a burst of energy. My nurse Ann played a crucial role in reminding me to breathe deeply on my rest breaks between pushes – and because of yoga I was able to know how to use my breath fully as fuel for my body.

transition

it hurts

My pain had been manageable up until this point because I could find a hypnotic rhythm but pushing was by far the hardest and most painful part. Here was the final summit push to the top of my mountain. The part where you know the end is in sight because you can see it but it still seems miles and miles away. Nurse Ann had one leg, my doula had another and Chad was able to stand behind me at the head of the bed and encourage me while keeping a cold rag on my head. My midwife was amazing at coaching and did things while I was pushing that kept me from tearing. Everyone had a different role to play and they all helped me on the last arduous part of my journey; like sherpas guiding the way up Everest. At my request my doula was also documenting this journey via  photos in which I told her to not censor anything because I wanted to remember everything that happened. I do not even know how she got half the photos she did while holding my leg and giving me water but she multi-tasked like no one I’ve ever seen do in their life. I didn’t even notice her taking photos because my eyes were closed and I was going inward and concentrating on Ina May’s biggest suggestion that stuck with me which was, “Let your body do the work.”

Pushing was the only time I wanted to pack it up and go home. It was hard, it was painful and it seemed to last forever. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress – taking one step forward and sliding five steps back. Anyone that’s ever climbed a scree covered mountain knows this feeling. You are so close yet you feel so far away. I kept asking, “how many more pushes?” and everyone kept telling me, “Just one more!” this was a lie but an effective one. Yoga and working out were definitely my saviors for this part as well because I am familiar in stepping into and standing in the fire that is my own body working hard. I have held plank in yoga for 14 minutes. I have held a handstand for three minutes against the wall. I have preformed cardio bursts in yoga sculpt to the point of feeling nauseated. My kettlebell training made me want to die. I channeled the physical and more importantly mental strength that I knew I had. There were moments where I said out loud, “I can’t do this, it hurts!” and my support people would say, “yes you can!” And then it would sink in and I would say, “Yes, I can, I can do this.”

When my labor started and I was working through the contractions at home both Chad and my doula said to me at separate times, “Remember what you want to do today. Be strong and know you can do this.” Both knew I wanted a natural childbirth and they supported me from day one and they kept supporting me through to the very end. I will tell you that the word “epidural” never entered my mind. It was never offered to me and honestly I don’t think I could have had one anyway with how far dilated I was when I arrived at the hospital but still I felt no urge to numb the pain. The calmness around me reminded me that my body was made to do this and it could if I allowed it.

After 7 hours of labor and 1hour 15 minutes of pushing, Charlotte Kennedy was born weighing 7lbs 4oz and 20 inches long. I had reached the top of my Everest. I couldn’t help but cry. When she finally came all the way out the midwife said, “Reach down and grab your baby!” and I opened my eyes for what felt like the first time and put my hands under her armpits and pulled her up to my chest. This was me standing at the top of my mountain. Glory as far as the eyes could see. I felt relieved and overjoyed. They rubbed her back with towels to encourage circulation and I heard the baby cry out. I could see her purple fingers digging in to my skin and curling around. I then lifted the baby up and saw she was a girl.

“I knew it, I knew you were a girl!” I said and everyone in the room around me laughed.

She was crying and I looked at her sweet beautiful face and said, “I know baby, I know, it’s been a journey for me too.” We had both been on the journey together, walking up opposite sides of the mountain. She was on one path and I was on another but it didn’t matter because we met at the same destination. We cried to meet each other for the first time. Here was the person I had created and carried inside me and now I knew she was a SHE and I could call her by name.

My sweet baby Charlotte.

I would not only like to thank my doula Casey, Chad, my midwife and my labor and delivery nurse but every single person that told me I could not make the journey. When I would tell people I wanted a natural child birth I heard everything under the sun:

“Don’t be a hero, take the drugs”

“You’ll change your mind once you are in there”

“I tried and I couldn’t do it so good luck with that”

“Why wouldn’t you take advantage of modern medicine?”

Well I’d like to thank these people. Every negative comment, every doubt, every person that shook their head at me, that told me it couldn’t be done, that questioned my sanity and that smirked and looked at me like I was ignorant and said, “yeah let me know how THAT goes” – thank you all because you fueled the fire. I’ve been building this fire inside for the past nine months. Every yoga class, every push on the spin bike, every kettlebell swing, yoga sculpt, burpee, run, every “no you can’t” I turned into a YES I CAN.

I  made it to the top of my Everest - having a natural childbirth without any tearing.

I know people say all that matters is a healthy baby, but a healthy mom matters too. As my friend Tania says, having a natural childbirth is like eating healthy food, it’s harder to do but the long term benefits pay off. I could walk right after I gave birth. I felt the wave of natural oxytocin overcome me. I was able to breast feed right away. Giving birth, to me, was not an experience to be numbed. To me it would have been like driving a car to the top of the mountain – I would have arrived at the same destination but I would have missed the view along the way. Since I did not have an epidural I could feel everything and knew when to push and how to guide my body. Yes it was pain but I never suffered.

I know even now that my story is done that I might have people say negative things to me. I know that because other people did not have the birth they wanted they might try to take away from my experience by saying hurtful things. I didn’t write this story to open myself to criticism I wrote it to inspire other women. To take the fear out of birthing the way women have done it for eons.

When I was pregnant one of the most powerful things that I did was to read birth stories. My doula would send me at least 2 stories a week from birthingwithoutfear.com about all these women from all walks of life who were able to have natural childbirths. She empowered me and didn’t even flinch when I had her take the placenta from the hospital to the placenta lady to be encapsulated (for more on placenta encapsulation or the wonderful lady who did this for me read here). She cooked for me and cleaned after we came home and even decorated the house to make us feel welcome.

 My doula’s encouragement throughout my pregnancy was unbelievable – sometimes she’d just call to leave me a voice mail saying she knew I was strong and that I could do this. She made me realize that you don’t need a whole world of people to believe in you -You just need to believe in YOU. If you are blessed then two or three other people will do the same. My midwife, my husband, my doula – they didn’t think I was crazy for wanting to climb my Everest. They never told me I couldn’t. They looked at me and said, “You can and you will.” 

sad to see my doula and her beautiful daughter go

with my mom and chad's parents

Right after I gave birth, I looked at my daughter lying on my chest, a new life here in the world that we created and then looked up at my husband and through tears in my eyes said, “Honey, WE did it!

“No,” he said, “YOU did it.” 

Now I just have to think, “What else is possible?”

my loves

In the waiting place

I love the Dr. Seuss book. “Oh the places you’ll go.” My grandmother gave me a copy when I graduated high school and I find that book has stuck with me and had more meaning in my life than any other. After my last spin class that I taught on Monday I thought about that section in the poem that has to do with waiting:

“You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting”

This is where I am. 38 weeks pregnant. The waiting place. Waiting for something to happen. My week was filled with yoga classes, naps, grocery store runs, vizsla walks and waiting. Every night I go to sleep unsure about what’s going to happen during the night (besides waking up 11 times to pee) or the next day. I have started to feel crampy like contractions akin to menstrual cramps. I know my uterus is warming up for the big day. I can feel the baby becoming more restless as it tries to punch and kick its way out of me. I have slowed down on working out (silly me thought I’d be taking at LEAST three classes a day and yeah that hasn’t happened) because I don’t want to bring on labor. My in-laws are not here yet, my mom isn’t here, my doula Casey isn’t here. Going in to labor before they get here is like playing in the super bowl without your starting line up. If you have a choice you don’t do it right? I must be the only pregnant lady in the world not in a hurry to go in to labor.

So I sit in a place of waiting.

it's about like that

In preparation for the big day I have been taking my prenatal vitamins as well as drinking raspberry leaf tea, taking evening primrose and a probiotic. Raspberry leaf tea is nutrient rich and contains many of the vitamins and minerals necessary for a healthy pregnancy including vitamins A, C, E and B, magnesium, calcium and iron. Consuming raspberry leaf tea can not only help mother and baby get all the nutrients they need but can also help to replenish a new mothers stores after the birth. Raspberry leaf tea also contains the alkaloid 'fragine' which is said to strengthen and tone the muscles of the uterus, helping them to contract more efficiently during labour. Research has found that taking raspberry leaf tea during the weeks prior to delivery helps to shorten the second stage of labour by making contractions more effective. Some studies have also found that it reduces the need for an assisted delivery (i.e. an emergency cesarean or use of forceps or ventouse).
Sipping raspberry leaf tea during and after the birth is also said to help the uterus contract back down to size, reduce after birth bleeding and help initiate the let down of breastmilk.
While there hasn't been a huge amount of research into this area, the general consensus does seem to be that drinking raspberry leaf tea during the latter stages of pregnancy can help to make for a 'better' labour with few side effects.  The primrose is supposed to ripen your cervix in case you were wondering. And they recommend taking it orally as well as…well you know where. The cervix is what has to thin and dilate from a 1 to a 10 to let the baby pass. It’s kind of like the gatekeeper of the baby and you can think of dilation like a moon eclipses…or at least I like too anyways. These are not routines to be taken on until 36 weeks for obvious reasons. I’m not trying to induce my labor but I’m all about getting my players in shape game day.

I’ve had to start taking a probiotic as well because I tested positive for strep B. I’m not happy with those results but since one in three women test positive I guess it is what it is. It’s a strain of strep that lives, you guessed it, in the vagina. It’s not contagious but it can be fatal to infants in rare cases and at the very least you can infect them so they have to run you on antibiotics every 4 hours while you are in active labor for about 30 minutes at a time. The downside to this is I have to have a hep-lock in. I have amazing veins and I’m not scared of needles at all but just the idea that I have to have something put in my arm is annoying. I can still move around of course and it won’t hinder my plans of a water birth which is fantastic. The probiotic is because the penicillin they run you on kills all the good bacteria as well as the bad so I’m taking a precaution to up my good bacteria levels ahead of time. The strep B test is one they give at 36 weeks and I wasn’t even aware this was something that was tested for although there’s really nothing you can do either way to ensure you don’t have it.

I’m having weekly appointments with the midwives now and so I went today and they told me everything was looking good. Blood pressure is normal, baby’s heartbeat is great, deposit for the water birth has been put down and birth plan has been made. Pediatrician has been picked out and bag has been packed for the hospital. I’m measuring right on target although my midwife did say it felt like the baby was face up (although the head is still down which is great). She suggested doing twice daily pelvic tilts to move the baby into optimal position which is face down. You don’t want the baby’s boney head pressing against your tailbone so cat/cow pelvic tilts are a way to keep the baby’s head from pressing into that bone. You have to think of your pelvis as a lock and the baby as the key and there are positions you can do to help the key move into the lock. Although the baby hasn’t dropped yet, cat/cows are always my favorite in yoga so I take advantage of the time in that space to remind myself to do them.

There is nothing more to say when I return for my weekly visits. I’ve gained a total, I think of 27 pounds and shouldn’t gain but one or two more if any I wouldn’t think. Usually by the end the weight gain slows or stops altogether as the body has already prepared the sufficient amount of fluid and blood and baby has gained the optimal weight it needs. My appetite has slowed down and my bladder has sped up. I’m in the waiting place. My body knows what to do and although I can help here and there I’m mostly just along for the ride at this point. I feel as if I just accepted being pregnant and now it’s almost over. I have enjoyed the journey even though it has not come without its challenges. It has gone by far quicker than I imagined and I will say I will miss the bump I was so hesitant to embrace. I wish I hadn’t worried so much about the weight gain because I feel great and am exactly where I need to be. I did not swell in my face, hands or feet. I have no stretch marks. My body knew better than my mind it could handle pregnancy and I’m glad I let it prove me wrong.

And I know sometime in the next few weeks I will escape the waiting place just like in the poem:

“NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!”

Ready for anything under the sky. I think that about describes the next chapter.

Thanks Dr. Seuss-

The long good-bye

Going on maternity leave from flying was a welcome break. Of course it is difficult knowing I have no income coming in on my end but to stop flying at 36 weeks meant nothing to me. I work with a company of over three hundred flight attendants in Denver alone so I rarely see or fly with the same group. Stepping away from that job has further enforced I have no emotional attachment to that line of work. Passengers don’t know I’m gone, pilots and flight attendants don’t know I’m gone (except the very few I’m friends with) and it’s the same thing day in and day out so I’m not missing anything important.

Stepping away from teaching fitness however, well it’s been a really long good-bye.

Anyone that knows me knows I have a hard time saying good-bye even to my friends I know I’ll see again in the next day or two. I’m one of those persons that lingers. I can’t ever quite cut the conversation. I am sure on more than one occasion I have annoyed my husband as he will be waiting in the car while I’m still saying my last good-byes at a get together. I’m that person that will say good-bye to you and walk the opposite way then turn around and watch you go when you probably don’t even know I’m watching you. I hate endings- whether that’s in a book, a movie or my own life. I stay awake far past when I should because I don’t want the day to end. I really try and hold on to each moment and that’s probably why I document so much of life in photographs. So I guess it should come as no surprise that I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out how to say good-bye to teaching yoga, spin, kettlebells and barre.

I wrestled over when to take my leave- even extending it a week past when I thought I would. This weekend marks the last of my classes and I almost cried after yoga Saturday. I spent time after class lingering in the studio. I knew I would be back to take classes in the next few days but for me it would be the last time to lock the studio door as a teacher for awhile. It’s not that I don’t think I’ll ever be back, it’s just that I know the person who will come back won’t be the person that left. I’m stepping back to embark on one of life’s hardest and probably most important journey and the person who comes back and stands in front of class won’t be the same.

It’s hard letting that person go. The person who had the freedom to come and go as she pleases. The person who can get up at 7am on a Saturday and rush out of the house to teach an eager group of kore barre students. The person who can teach at 6am on a Friday then take a nap and go back out and teach spin at noon. The person who can have lunch after class with a friend or go get their hair done or run any other of those simple errands you take for granted when you don’t have a child in tow. I guess the current version of myself is grieving as she watches the simple life version walk away – knowing now I have to turn and walk into an uncertain life in another direction.

Some of my day classes I don’t know if I can come back to teach and that makes it hard. We don’t have family in town so I don’t have built in babysitters or child care lined up. I haven’t thought that far into the future yet but I know something will have to give. While I am excited to take some time for myself and to just enjoy these last few weeks of being “alone” I am also sad to be taking a step away from teaching. I have worked hard to build up relationships with my students and to build up my classes. I know that time will not stop just because I am gone and they may move on in the meantime. When you teach yoga and group fitness classes you get to a point where you realize that a lot of these students are there for YOU. To be inspired by you, to have you lead them and to have you kick their butts. And the ego inside wonders, “if I’m not there who will take care of them?” Of course my studio has many many great teachers who will in the meantime – I guess I just don’t want to be forgotten.

So I have drawn out the good-bye. And sometimes stories don’t end like you think they will. There’s a scene in my favorite movie, “Big Fish,” where the son is talking to the dad at the end as the dad lay in the hospital bed dying and the son is telling the dad a story. In this story they escape from the hospital and the son takes the dad down by the river and to say good-bye and set him free and there’s every person the dad’s ever known there so say good-bye and wish him on his way. His whole life is there on the banks waving good-bye as the dad is put in the river by his son and sent out to sea. Of course in reality the dad is in the hospital bed and it’s just him and his son and that’s how he leaves this world. (I cry buckets every damn time I watch this part below)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1SR_DW0jsFM

And at the end of the day that’s how I left the respective studios this weekend. Without fan fare. Without a line of all the students I’d ever met waving good-bye; just a hug here and there and a lingering. Then it was just me alone as it was meant to be. Turning out the lights and closing and locking the door. Knowing I’ll be back in a new form when I do return and being ok with the uncertainty of the future. For me it took great courage to step into the shoes of a teacher so I guess it’s no surprise that it took the equal amount to know when it was time to step away. I’ll miss it I really will.

I guess that’s the true test of loving something – knowing when to let go but also the invitation to miss it when it’s gone.

Where to start...the overwhelming registry

"What the hell do I register for?"

This is the question I was asking myself a few months ago in preparation for the baby shower. For those of you who have been married or are in the engagement period you know how the registry works. You pick a few stores and go in, get a scanner gun and basically swipe the barcode of everything that looks like what you'd want in your home. The difference between registering for a wedding and a baby is, however, that a home is a lot easier to register for things. Also consider the fact you might have an invite list of 200 people like we did and there's really not too much you can't put on your list of wants.A baby on the other hand, you have to consider what it needs. I didn't need a garlic press for my house but I need a car seat. So how do you decide what's important and what's just fluff?!

First let me preface this whole blog by saying that you can register for whatever you want for the baby but people are going to buy you what they want to buy you. End of story. Unlike your wedding you will not get half the things you took the time to pick out. Don't panic, it's ok. Just know this going into the journey and it will make your life a lot easier. Consider the baby registry a check list for yourself and if people actually buy you what you need then fabulous and if you end up with lots of cute clothing and baby shoes that's wonderful too. I admit pre-pregnancy I rarely took the time to buy people what they wanted off their registry. Mostly because Babies R' Us gave me a panic attack every time I set my foot in the door.After having this baby I will be much better at assessing what my friends need and can pick items off their list accordingly.

Here are the two websites I used to determine what to register for the baby. These women have done all the leg work for you. They have researched everything from strollers to car seats and recommend something for each price point.
blog one
and
blog two

Both were recommended to me by my friend Nikki and I found them extremely helpful in deciding what items we needed. Between my family and friends we got the top items that we needed most. Chad and I of course had to put our own money into the big ticket items because that's what you do when you have a baby. You can't expect someone else to fund your little blessing (better get use to this now right?! you've got 18+ years of funding this kid's existence) so you better start saving your money now. Out of pocket we bought:

This crib from All modern:

The mattress we bought at Babies R' Us.

This dresser from Ikea which of course had to be assembled but I love the quality and the look of it and plan to use it as a changing table as well like this person did in their nursery:

With some money my aunt gave me I purchased this glider as well. It wasn't my first choice but the price was right and it went with the white decor of the room:

My friend Michelle, who recently had a baby of her own knew we needed something practical to keep from losing our minds so she bought us the snugabunny bouncer from our registry:

I registered for the snugabunny swing as well but when we were at target my mom ended up buying us this swing which I actually like better because it is collapsible and portable:

You may be asking yourself, "why would I need a swing and a bouncer?" Apparently you need both my friend. The bouncer vibrates and plays music and is small enough to go into the bathroom with you (you will need a shower at some point and need a way to confine the baby) or even put on the table while cooking dinner but the swing with gently rock them to sleep and moves at various swings. Maybe you can get by with one or the other I don't know I haven't had the baby yet but they are both fairly small and pack up easily so when the baby outgrows one I can move on to the other. According to my mom some babies love the swing some hate the swing...hopefully with all the spin I've been doing the baby will love it.

I received three different carriers as well for the baby. To some this might seem like three too many but I'm one of those on-the-go people so I wanted different ways to transport the baby at different stages. We ended up  with the baby k'tan which my sister purchased for me which is a sling that you can use when they are little. My brother had a baby bjorn that I was able to have which is great for when they get bigger and can hold their head up. Unfortunately the baby bjorn doesn't offer that much back support when they get bigger so that's why I went for the ergo baby as suggested by my friend Casey. Her daughter is 15 months and fits comfortably in it wherever she goes.

Most important you will need a car seat and stroller and if you are lucky someone else will buy these for you as they can be pretty pricey. I originally wanted the Chicco key fit as recommended by one of the blogs I mentioned above but when we went to Babies R' Us that car seat was out of stock. So we looked around and ended up going with the Graco combo stylus travel system with Snugride 30 stroller:

I'll admit I wanted the three wheel jogging stroller but this combo just made the most sense. It was on sale so we got it for a steal and now we won't have to buy a separate stroller because the carseat locks into the stroller or you can use it separate. I'll admit the cupholders sold me as well. I mean who doesn't want cupholders on their stroller?!

I ended up registering at Amazon and Babies R' Us. Both have great return policies and make it easy for those who want to purchase items for you to send them directly to your house if they are out of towners. Just remember that you will have to buy many things for your baby that you need and don't depend on your shower to get all those items. Start stocking up on diapers and wipes as soon as you can. Don't worry about buying blankets because trust me you'll get more than enough. If you are cloth diapering look for a system you can buy with 15 or so in a bundle. You'll need at least 30 to cloth diaper full time. Also stock up on a few newborn clothing essentials. Lots of people will buy you clothes but they will be three to six month size since newborns outgrow theirs quickly. However you still need an outfit for it to go home from the hospital in and most onesies don't have pants. You can't leave poor babies legs out in the cold so look for something that covers them neck to toe.

So that's my registry advice. I did all of it from the comfy confines of my couch instead of bothering with going in-store. Take your time, think about what you need and then know you'll have to front many of the items out of pocket. Make what you can (my mom is making me a bobby, crib skirt, nursing cover etc because they are all essentially fabric pieces sewn together) and enjoy the items you get...take back what you don't need and most of all be thankful for all the support your loved ones show you because that's most important in this whole process!

Party of Two soon to be Party of Three

It is the final countdown (cue Europe song). This marks week 36 and next Tuesday I will be considered full term. That means baby Magee could come at any time although I’m having daily pep talks with the honey dew (that’s it’s size now) and telling it not to come before my family can arrive. 40 weeks would be about perfect. I am on maternity leave from my flight attendant job because they won’t let you fly after 36 weeks and my last trip was out of Aspen. I gazed up at the same hill that inspired me to write about acceptance of the lemon in the fall and thought about how far I’d come since then. Everyone asks how I’m doing these days and I must say I’m excited, scared, and happy all at once. My heartburn has subsided which I believe means the baby has dropped down lower. I’ve been taking naps because I sleep so horrible at night but I have no low back pain (thanks yoga!) and no more leg cramps or sciatica pain. I have been nauseated lately like the first trimester so I’m eating less but that’s just as well because my stomach is pretty much smashed up in my throat. Otherwise I can’t complain. No swollen ankles or face and I can still see my toes. I consider that winning.

all bump!

This past Sunday was our baby shower. The whole weekend was about getting ready for the baby and having one last hurrah with friends. My mom flew into town Thursday and helped us out so much. She took us shopping and we put together about 10 freezer meals for us to eat when family is gone and we just can’t drag ourselves out of the house to get food. Friday was my friend Michelle’s 30^th birthday party and mom was a good enough sport to come with us and celebrate and enjoy some Hurricanes at the Mardi Gras themed bash:

My mom also took us to buy the things we most needed off our registry – a swing and a car seat and stroller. They won’t let you take a baby home from the hospital without a car seat so this was a pretty important purchase. Of course what I had registered for was the Chicco key fit but we ended up going with a Graco because of price and practicality. We could get the car seat and stroller combo for what the Chicco cost because the Graco was on sale. I tell you it felt weird picking out a stroller and envisioning what I’d be wheeling around the park but we are now prepared nonetheless.

The shower was what I had been most looking forward all weekend. As you may remember I wrote a blog on having a meltdown about the shower in January. Well it turned out everything I could have hoped for and more. My four friends did a wonderful job putting the day together for us. I had wanted a couples shower because I am on the less traditional side and didn’t really want to do the whole diaper cake-guess how big I am using a ribbon- guess the “poop” in the diaper type of thing. Basically I wanted my friends to come together and have a final celebration before the Magee’s become a party of three and that’s what it was.

Michelle and Jordan and I (two of the hostesses)

Kelsey did a fantastic job organizing and putting food together!

Candace made sure there was plenty to drink!

  Jordan put together a jeopardy game that had a variety of categories:

Which, seeing how competitive my friends are was perfect. And there was also a boob piñata which was good for a laugh watching me flail around with a baseball bat hitting blindly into the air:

One of my favorite things the girls did however was to ask guests in lieu of cards if they would give us children’s books and write their names and a message in there. It was so amazing to see all the books my friends had picked out and knowing the message inside will forever remind me of Sunday. Guests were asked not to wrap gifts because I didn’t want to open them in front of everyone but instead saved that moment for when I was at home and could really sit in the fullness of the day. And when we got home that’s exactly what Chad, my mom and I did. We opened the gifts at our dining room table, we read the cards and the notes and the poems and we spent time looking at each gift and acknowledging how blessed and full our lives really are.

I think the worst part about the shower was that it had to end. It was bittersweet seeing each of my friends go. Not because I’ll never see them again, of course that’s not the case but because I knew it would be the last time I’d have everyone together that I cared about in one space. I enjoyed talking to each and every person and felt very fortunate to have such a great circle of support. As I told them at the shower each one had been with me from the beginning of this journey. Some knew about my pregnancy before even my own family and helped me deal with the coming to terms of this life changing event. Some knew later and have been nothing but supportive even if it’s just to tell me I look great or to sub my spin class when I was tired (or to offer me their classes so I could make extra money!).

my favorite yoga and spin Qip mentors!

Jasmine is as convinced of the gender and name as I am

When I moved out to Denver about 8 years ago I knew no one. I have truly built the life I now have from the ground up. In eight years I have met some wonderful people and I finally feel I have my place in Denver. While my immediate family may not be here they are only a short plane ride away and for that I am grateful.

me and mom!

Some people ask me if I’m scared to give birth. I’m not scared. I am ready. I surrendered to this journey a long time ago and it’s made the process easier. I can’t predict what the future will bring, but I feel as ready for it as one can be. Everything is done that can be done. All we do now is wait….

An open letter to Baby Magee

Dear Baby Magee - Well we've been together now for 34 weeks (8 and a half months) and in 6 weeks give or take you'll be making your debut on the outside. I feel a little anxious for your arrival. It is definitely easier with you on the inside. You haven't caused me too many problems. Lately I find it hard to breath because you are crushing my lungs and sometimes my heartburn is unbearable because my stomach is in my throat. I find myself waking up about 3 times a night just to pee and your head pressing down into my bladder doesn't help much. I feel you moving all the time which means you'll probably be active like me and your dad. I have trouble sleeping now but I guess that's just preparing me for your arrival. I'm enjoying savasana in yoga because I find it hard to take naps at home.

As our last few weeks together draw to a close I just wanted to let you know the good has outweighed the bad. At first I wasn't sure about your presence but now I am enjoying you and the attention you bring. I know after you arrive no one will want to touch my belly anymore or ask how I'm feeling. I know after you arrive I won't have an instant conversation starter when you aren't with me and I won't have an excuse to get massages, manicures or pedicures like I do now. But you'll be here and we will finally meet face to face and I hope your journey out into the world is as stress free for you as I'm hoping it will be for me.

I just wanted most of all to say thank you. Thank you for showing me who my true friends are. For giving me a reason to cut the crap from my life. Thank you for giving me an excuse to celebrate life and also permission to be a home body. Thank you for teaching me that weight gain doesn't have to define me and that I can still work out and enjoy classes. Thank you for getting me back to my yoga mat - a space I have been avoiding for whatever reason for awhile. Thank you for showing me what a good husband Chad could be. How he indulges my cravings and crazy behavior. For showing me what an excited mom and in-laws I have. I am seeing that pregnancy isn't just about me or you it's about the connections it creates. All the advice and the conversations, both good and bad and strange. Thank you for taking me on this journey and out of my comfort zone like no one in my life has ever done. I know we will have many more to come. I don't know who you will be or if you'll even like me in the future but know that I have loved you since the beginning and I'll love you until the day I die. No matter what happens. I know your birth day is coming up and we are all excited to celebrate you and welcome you to the world. I have a nice day planned for whenever you decide to arrive. And even though I'm excited to hold you on the outside, just know I will miss this time together. Where you go wherever I go, where I can take care of you without thought. I will miss feeling you punch and kick me, I will miss showing you off and yes I'll even miss strangers wanting to touch my belly as if is magic and by touching it they can feel connected to you.

It's not everyone in this lifetime that gets to have someone be by their side 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 9 months. I feel blessed you chose me. I hope I provided a good home for you in the meantime. But just wait -there's a whole world waiting for you out here...I can't wait for you to see.

A few of my favorite things...

If I could make a gift bag for all my pregnant friends and fill it up with everything that has helped me throughout my pregnancy I would. While certain things like macaroons and angel food cake offer no nutritional value but I've wanted at some point or another, others have been a constant source of comfort. Yes food tastes are fleeting and there is no way to predict what I might want to eat from one day to the next but the following items are what I'd most want to bestow on my pregnant companions as these items have brought me the most joy:

1.  Tom's are a shoe you can enjoy pregnant or not but these black glittery ones are what I first treated myself to when I learned I was pregnant. Because they are slip on I can wear them even in these last few weeks as it gets harder and harder to bend over. They are flat soled so my feet won't ache (like you need another body part aching now) and they add a bit of pizzazz to my basic wardrobe. If glittery shoes made Dorthy from the Wizard of Oz so happy I guarantee they will do the same thing for you even on days you feel as big as a house boat.

2. After bragging about how I wasn't having heart burn, well I got heart burn. It came over Christmas in a bad way and even vomiting wouldn't give me any relief. This is when I learned two important lessons - eat smaller more frequent meals and take tums before I went to bed. The calcium they provide can't hurt you either and they come in a variety of flavors to quench any palate. You can have up to ten a day and be good and trust me some days you might be eating that many.

3. One of the perks of pregnancy is your mucus membranes become inflamed which can cause them to dry out or produce an overload of mucus. Sleeping on my side definitely has not helped the cause and so I find myself waking up with a dry mouth and cracked lips because I'm breathing through my mouth instead of my stopped up nose. I tried a humidifier but that didn't give me as much relief as aquaphor has. I keep it in my purse and in my bathroom at home at all times. I know coconut oil is supposed to be amazing and an all natural cure for dry lips, cracked skin etc but a jar of coconut oil just doesn't travel as well as this does.

4. There will come a day when not even tum's can cure your heart burn or you may run out. My prenatal massage therapist recommended baking soda and if you look on the box the number one ingredient is sodium bicarbonate which is an antacid. So the same stuff that makes your fridge not smell like meat will also cure your heart burn. You just mix half a teaspoon with half a glass of water and chug away. The first time I did it the first glass didn't offer immediate relief so I had another glass 2 hours later as recommended and it worked like a charm.

5. I teach a lot of yoga and spin and therefor wear quite a few tank tops even in the dead of winter. I have quite the collection of hoodies as coverups but the more my bump grew the harder I found it to zip these hoodies up. I found this hoodie on Old navy's website under maternity and it has been a lifesaver. It has pockets that I can keep my phone in before class (my phone has all of my music on it so I need it close by) and ties in the front so it can grow as I do. It's lightweight so I can wear it as I'm teaching or take it off when should I become too hot. I will be looking for a robe of similar material when the time comes to be prancing the hospital halls on my D date.

6. Before the NutriBullet we had both the Magic bullet and a blender. Both worked well as far as making smoothies although neither did an amazing job of pulverizing vegetables like I would have liked. My husband just recently bought us this and I love it. Being pregnant causes your digestive system to slow down so I have been drinking a lot of my meals because they are easier on my stomach. How else can you eat two carrots, a beat, kale, spinach, strawberries, blueberries, two bananas, chia seeds, an orange  and a can of coconut water without feeling sick? It also makes a wonderful milkshake - my latest craving.

7. I don't care what anyone tells you, getting stretch marks is genetics so no amount of expensive creams or oils will help you. Instead you need a lotion that will keep you from tearing off your clothing at any given moment due to itchy skin and this is my choice. Again I hear coconut oil is wonderful for the skin but this is the most convenient for me to apply daily. Plus the smell doesn't make me ill.

8. If I could wrap up yoga and give it to my pregnant friends I would. Granted there have been times when heartburn strikes and I'm taking a class and want to puke with every forward fold...or I can't make it the whole 75 minutes without peeing. However the benefits of breathing alone have been worth it to me. Lately I am finding it harder and harder to take deep full breaths. I took for granted my lungs capacity and now my lungs are being shoved up my throat make it nearly impossible to find a full inhale and exhale. But yoga has been so important for me mind and body. The message of yoga and the childbirth class I took this past weekend are pretty much consistent - let your body do the work, relax and go with the flow. Every expectant mom needs a little time to herself and yoga has been my much needed escape.

9. A birth-ball is the same thing that you will see at Target or Walmart in the exercise equipment department. This is one of those things I did not think I needed to purchase because the hospital provides them - however I grossly underestimated before our childbirth class how much time one spends laboring at home. Every video you will watch on birth you will see a woman using one of these. They are also great for sciatica pain because you can sit on this instead of the couch when you are home. As a bonus, after the birth you can use it to get back in shape!

10. Last but not least I would make sure to include a water bottle with straw in my pregnancy gift basket for an expectant mom. In labor you are encouraged to drink water between every contraction and the built in straw makes it easy to drink out of. Also dehydration is one of the main causes of pre-term labor contractions so women in their last few weeks of pregnancy need to be sure they consume plenty of water. I personally carry mine around all day with me to remind me to drink up and if I start to get a headache I know that I have been slacking drinking water.

There you have it - my top ten gift ideas. I guarantee you any expectant mother would appreciate any of these things even more so than a cookie or slice of cake. Ok a slice of cake works too BUT these are guaranteed to fit her fickle tastes far better than any food item. Some of these things I discovered the benefit of right away and others not until these last few weeks of my pregnancy but nonetheless they have all served me well.